What Was I Thinking?
by Kat Halcyon
E-MAIL: kathalcyon@yahoo.ca or kathalcyon@hotmail.com
RATING: G
SPOILERS/SEQUEL: Bryn's story, "The Briefing From Hell"
SUMMARY: Daniel tries to determine how stupid he is.
STATUS: Complete
DISCLAIMERS: Not mine. Not even a little.
FEEDBACK: Please?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: *SO* Bryn's fault. And she's writing the sequel. Aren't ya,
babes?
Bryn: How the hell is it *my* fault when *you're* the one who begged me
to let you write it?
Me: Shut up.
I'm sitting in the infirmary, waiting for Janet to finish up Jack's
post-mission physical. And I'm wondering if I'm an idiot.
I can't believe I did that. Surely there has to be a better way to let a
woman know you're interested than to start manhandling her in the middle
of a briefing. I mean, honestly, I still can't believe I did that. Just
because she was sort of looking around the room and not at Sam doesn't
mean she wasn't *listening* to Sam. And she might not have been doodling.
Those could have been notes. I wasn't about to read them.
But, no, I assumed she was as bored as I was - that was probably a
mistake. Janet is usually very interested in Sam's studies. I'm sure she
got something out of the lecture beyond "solar," which was all that I took
out of it.
I didn't realise that before, though, of course. I just started rubbing at
her hand like an idiot. Seriously, who does that? How screwed up am I,
really? I didn't mean to… and then I didn't mean to continue, except her
skin was so soft and smooth and warm, and I couldn't seem to stop…
She didn't pull away, I remind myself. She could have easily, and no one
would have been the wiser, but she didn't.
Somehow, that's little consolation.
After all, she could have just been trying to be polite. She's not one to
be rude, and pulling her hand away would definitely have been rude. Or
perhaps she was so engrossed in Sam's speech that she didn't notice. I was
doing it very gently, after all. Or maybe she just was embarrassed. Or
maybe she's going to come in here and start giving me hell.
That's probably it. I bet she was embarrassed before, because I was being
such an idiot. And now that she's had some time to think it over, she's
going to come in here and yell at me and tell me what an idiot I am.
I mean, that slight hand-hold back when Cassie was sick was totally
different. It was just comforting. It was friendly, and quick, and didn't
mean anything.
But this time… oh, God. I was rubbing at her hand for over ten minutes!
Only an idiot would think that's purely friendly.
Unless… I grasp at hope. Maybe she didn't pull away because she thought I
didn't realise I was doing it!
I like this theory better than any of the others. She thought I didn't
know what I was doing, so she just played it cool. Yeah, that's it. I was
just being absent-minded and a bit weird. Anyone who knows me would
believe it.
So, with any luck, she won't mention it, because she won't want to
embarrass *me*. And I can pretend that I really *didn't* know I was doing
it, and all will be well.
Except… I give an inward sigh. I don't have any luck.
I never have. So she probably will give me hell. Or maybe she thinks I
didn't know what I was doing, and is going to give me hell anyway for not
paying attention to Sam. Yeah, that would be more typical for me. Think of
whatever is the easiest possible circumstance, and then think of it's
opposite. That's what I always get.
So if she does yell at me, what can I do? Pretend like it was just a
product of my mind wandering? Pretend it was just friendly?
Tell the truth? "Janet, I was rubbing the back of your hand in the
briefing earlier because I think I'm falling in love with you, and I have
absolutely no idea how to vocalise that."
Yeah, *that* would go over well. She'd probably refuse to ever associate
with me again. I bet she'd pawn all my physicals off on my nurses.
Unless she returned my feelings.
That errant thought bounces around my brain a few times. It's impossible…
right? Right. What could Janet ever see in me?
Nothing, that's what. So she was polite, or mad, or embarrassed, or some
other such emotion. The reason she didn't stop me is *not* because she
likes me back. Because that would just be stupid, and Janet is never
stupid.
So that's figured out. But then some part of my brain - one I never listen
to if I can help it - pipes up and tells me that she didn't just not pull
away, she responded.
I never listen to that part because it's always wrong.
Responded. Hah! That's crazy! She wouldn't do something like that!
Unless…
I attempt to cut that thought off. Nothing good ever comes of "unless."
Pleased with myself and my thought-cutting-off prowess, I lean back into
the bed.
And then the part of my mind I never listen to tells me insistently,
/Daniel, she didn't just not pull back! When you let go, she grabbed your
hand again!/
And then, before I can think of a logical argument to that, Janet arrives.
Copyright (c) Kat Halcyon 2001
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