Smile
by Becca
EMAIL: yuna_ezri@yahoo.com
STATUS: Complete...
CATEGORY: D/J, angst
RATING: PG-13 for implied sexual situations
SPOILERS: None
SEASON/SEQUEL: any season you want, and Bryn's made a new law that
either her, Kat or Linz has to write a sequel for fics like this
SUMMARY: Danny reflects on part of his and Janet's relationship
CONTENT WARNINGS: Kitty says that you need tissues while reading this
:)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This
piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary
purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.
Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are
copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or
dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
The song "Smile" by Lonestar is owned by...Lonestar? :) I'm not
entirely sure who, but no infringement is meant, anyway
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks to Beta Goddess Kitty, as always, for betaing :)
Also thanks to her for being a wonderfully amazing Kitty and assuring
me that this doesn't suck :) The song is posted in its entirety at the
end :)
FEEDBACK: Loved and cuddled and feed everyday... :)
"I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer’s breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter, I know
But when you love someone you gotta let ‘em go"
I remember the night you told me you loved me…you held my hands to your
heart, and gazed into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity, before
whispering it so softly that I almost missed it, and would have had I
not been watching your lips, thinking about how much I wanted to kiss
you just then.
But I didn’t kiss you that night…at least, not of my own initiative. I
never kissed you on the lips in the nights to follow, either. I was too
shy…if you wanted a kiss you would take it, and I knew this, so I
assumed you didn’t want a kiss other times. It was always that way
between us, you started everything, and now it seems you’ve ended it
too.
Sometimes I wonder if my shyness is what made you end it and turn to
another. You were always so domineering, demanding, and I was perfectly
happy to let you be that way, with only minor retaliation on my part.
Perhaps that’s why the one you turned to is my complete opposite…bold,
not afraid of showing love, or at least lust, for you.
I’d like to believe that you love me as much I love you, and that you
ran because you were as afraid of it as I am, but I know it’s not true.
I guess I’m just one of those few who can’t remain emotionally detached
in relationships, and I’m certainly one of the few who fell for you.
I wonder at how you can jump from relationship to relationship, taking
with you nothing from the last one save the memory of a good time, if
that.
"I’m gonna smile, ‘cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, so you don’t see me cry
I’m gonna let you go in style
Even if it kills me
I’m gonna smile"
I smiled when you told me you were leaving, smiled when you asked if I
was ok, but I was just putting on a show for you, not letting you see
the pain tearing me up inside. Did you lie, Janet? Did you lie when you
first told me you loved me? Because I sure don’t sleep with people I
don’t love.
I put a smile on because I had to be strong for you, so you wouldn’t
see the tears that threatened. I put on a smile, wished you well. Did
that for –you-. But all you really did for me was assure me –someone-
loved me, and even that was probably a lie.
Do you know how much you hurt me? You certainly know my past, how
easily I can be hurt, the hurt I’ve already suffered. Didn’t you think
that maybe…just maybe, I didn’t need any more?
But you played your mind games anyway, not caring about me or how I
might feel.
"Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can’t help what you don’t feel
And it doesn’t matter why
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
‘Cause that’s how I want you to remember me"
You kissed me one last time before walking out the door. One last
honey-sweet kiss, then you never looked back.
That last kiss…reminded me of all the times together, the whirlwind
romance, the aching I had for you when we were apart. Now the aching is
constant in a world that seems to be rapidly rearranging itself, and I
find my place is no longer by your side.
I cried as you walked out that door, as he waited for you by the path.
Just broke down and cried, which is something I hadn’t done since my
parents died. Maybe that tells you something about how I felt for you.
If you had looked back…just once, over his shoulder, would you have
stayed? Something tells me no.
You were too addicted to the game…the careful seduction, the lightening
quick moment, then the long nights of pleasure as you lost yourself
again and again in the arms of one man after another. You lost your
way, I think, and I wanted to try and help you find it again. I tried
my best, really I did, but it seems it wasn’t enough to save you.
"I’m gonna smile, ‘cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, so you don’t see me cry
I’m gonna let you go in style
Even if it kills me
I’m gonna smile"
I hated that you could make me cry with just a few simple words…but at
the same time, I loved it. Loved that someone could make me feel with
such intensity of emotion, whether it was happy or sad. I felt so
amazing, when you made me so happy…I should have known it couldn’t
last.
I could see your eyes go ‘dead’ during those nights…you held on tight,
riding it out…called my name, but I could see your eyes – telling their
awful, deadly truth. That you didn’t love me, not really, but I chose
not to believe them, to ignore the truth staring me right in the face.
I wouldn’t accept that my happiness could be destroyed so quickly, so
hung on by the last threads until you cut them as well.
Now I’m falling, and fast. Falling out of your mind; I doubt you’ll
spare me more then a few stray thoughts now. I’ll never fall out of
love, though, I don’t think it’s possible to fall out of love with
someone after you’ve discovered just how happy they can make you, how
special they can make you feel at times. Sometimes it seemed I was the
only person in the world that mattered to you, but only when you wanted
something.
"I’m gonna smile, so you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won’t see me hurtin’
I’m gonna let you go in style
Even if it kills me
I’m gonna smile"
Oh, don’t worry about me Janet, I’ll be fine, aren’t I always? You took
what you wanted and left me with a gaping chasm where the love you said
you felt for me once resided, and now you’re through with me, having
lead me through all the different emotions you could possibly inflict
on me. I was just another pearl on your necklace of lovers, nameless
and faceless.
Maybe…before you forget me forever, maybe you could tell me how to
become indifferent to the love that calls out for you, though it knows
it will never be answered.
**********
Smile
Lonestar
I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer’s breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter, I know
But when you love someone you gotta let ‘em go
I’m gonna smile, ‘cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, so you don’t see me cry
I’m gonna let you go in style
Even if it kills me
I’m gonna smile
Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can’t help what you don’t feel
And it doesn’t matter why
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
‘Cause that’s how I want you to remember me
I’m gonna smile, ‘cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, so you don’t see me cry
I’m gonna let you go in style
Even if it kills me
I’m gonna smile
I’m gonna smile, so you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won’t see me hurtin’
I’m gonna let you go in style
Even if it kills me
I’m gonna smile
**********
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