He Doesn't See Me
by Karen Straits
EMAIL: rstra1028@aol.com
STATUS: Complete
RATING: G
CATEGORY: D/J, Angst, Songfic
SEASON: 1-4
SUMMARY: Some dark thoughts for Janet concerning our favorite archeologist.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own em and with the way this story went, thats probaly a
good thing. No money was made or intended to be made off of this story and
song. If ya sue, i and my 4 cats move in with you, so think about
that,please. Stargate sg-1 belongs to gekko, double secret and whoever else
is in on the deal.(and that ain't me) This was done strictly for fun.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Feedback: Yes,please! I would love some. All I ask is that it is constructive
or positive.
I have been in a pretty dark mood this past week so i thought i would channel
some of it through Janet. It doesn't help that I have been listening to sad
songs all week^-^ This song is from the CD : La Luna and the talented Miss
Sarah Brightman.
When he passes me by he's a ray of light
like the first drop of sun from the sky.
And I know he's a king, who deserves a queen.
But I'm not a queen.
And he doesn't see me.
When he dances, he moves me to a smile
and i see everything near him shine.
There's a grace in his ways that I can't contain
I haven't that grace.
Oh I haven't that grace.
And the closer he gets I can't help but hide
so ashamed of my body and voice.
There are boundaries we pass in spite of the war
But our own, we can't seem to cross.
She has a way that surrounds her so delicate
with a glory that reigns in her life.
She is also so much that she is not
These things, I can't see
Because he doesn't see me
And he doesn't see me.
There are things we can change,
if we just choose to fight.
But the walls of injustice are high.
When he passes me by he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky.
And I know he's a king who deserves a queen.
Someone other than me.
So different from me.
He doesn't see me.
He doesn't see me.
He doesn't see me.
When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
like the first drop of sun from the sky.
And I know he's a king who deserves a queen.
But I'm not a queen.
And he doesn't see me.
=============================
Janet let the front door close behind her with a soft snick. Wearily she
leaned back against the door, hands behind her back, eyes closed and her head
down. The hallway was cool and silent, darkness pooling in the corners as
evening came. Rain softly drummed against the windows, turning everything a
misty grey. She let the silence surround her like a cloak that would somehow
protect her from her own thoughts. With a rueful smile at the route her
thoughts were taking, she moved further into the house.
Hanging her coat up, she padded through the dark like a cat. No lamps were
turned on as she went, it was almost as if she didn't want the comfort the
light would give. God, it must be the rain that was making her think these
things.
Tired and slightly chilled, Janet walked into her bedroom. She toed off the
wet shoes with the ridiculously high heels. A small groan of pleasure escaped
as she scrunched her toes in the carpet. She was a doctor who saved lives and
had been to other planets for God's sake. The fact that she had to wear such
barbaric things to make her seem *bigger* didn't seem fair or right at all.
She scowled at the shoes as she turned on a small lamp on the bedstand.
Leaving a trail, she shed her day along with her clothes. She turned the
shower on as hot as she could stand it, letting the mundane task keep her
mind occupied. Steam filled the bathroom as she finished stripping. Quickly
stepping into the stall, Janet gasped at the pins and needles pounding her
flesh. She put her hands up and leaned against the tiles. Shoulders
unclenched as the water worked it's magic.
The melancholy had been hammering at her all day.
Mechanically she lathered and rinsed. After being buffeted by the ebb and
tide of her emotions all day, the numbness was wearing off. Her hard won
control was going right down the drain with freesia scented bubbles as it's
guide. Just let it go, Janet. Obeying the voice was easier than she thought.
She startled herself with the sob that ripped from her throat. Catching her
bottom lip between her teeth, she tried to stop, but the floodwall was gone.
Just let it go, Janet.
She wrapped her arms around herself as she wept.
================================================
Janet tucked a towel around her body with pruned fingers. A hand reached up
to wipe the fogged mirror clear. She studied the face that stared back at
her. Dark eyes in a face flushed with the heat and crying. A face that
started out smooth and unlined until one day you looked in the mirror and
didn't recognize yourself anymore.
The weight of the years ahead fell about her shoulders like a yoke. Would she
have no one to mirror the passage of time on her face? No one to see the
silver in her hair or to touch the lines of life on her body? An image came
unbidden to her mind. Janet knew who she wanted that mirror to be. If
only...
=================================================
On the floor with her back against the couch, Janet stared into the fire.
Legs pulled close to her chest, arms curled around her knees, a brandy
snifter set off to the side forgotten. Clothed in soft fleece and having
eaten, she was starting to feel almost human again. She wished her thoughts
were so easily taken care of. Rousing herself, Janet grabbed a CD from the
rack and put it the player. There was a soft whir and click as the music
started. The damn song had been running through her head all day. She may as
well listen to it again.
Janet went back to the couch and stretched out. She lay on her side,
clutching a pillow as the voice and the words washed over her. The flames
crackled and threw strange patterns onto the ceiling. The song took her to a
deep place inside herself. Someplace she seldom ventured to, where her secret
dreams and wishes were kept. Nurtured as if they were the most precious
flower and just as rarely seen. Thoughts and dreams of Daniel.
When he passes me by, he's a ray of light like the first drop of sun from
the sky
From the first time she had met him she saw the light that radiated from
Daniel Jackson. He had an aura of intelligence and kindness that called to
her on some deep level. Sometimes it flared so bright, she thought he would
turn into starfire and flame across the heavens. Then he would smile at her
and just be Daniel again.
And I know he's a king, who deserves a queen. But I'm not a queen.
He lost his queen. The fire in Daniel became a glowing ember, waiting to be
fanned back to life. And he doesn't see me.
Janet lifted the brandy to her lips. It burned going down and she welcomed
the feeling.
When he dances, he moves me to a smile and I see everything near him shine
Liquid heat ignited in the middle of her chest and warmth spread over her
body like a sunrise over land. It was the same effect Daniel had on her.
Everything was always sharper, clearer when Daniel was in the same room with
her. The passion he had for his work extended to the people in his life. You
couldn't help but be swept along with Daniel.
There's a grace in his ways that I can't contain, I haven't that grace, Oh I
haven't that grace
She quietly laughed as she took another drink. As often as Daniel was in the
infirmary, grace wasn't the first word that came to mind. But he did have a
grace that was all his own. The long, elegant fingers that deftly held an
artifact or brushed over writings on a temple wall.
He had the grace to live his life with compassion and to share that kindness
with everyone he met. Janet remembered all the times Daniel had defended
someone or some race, putting his life on the line. Pain shot through her
hand as she gripped the glass too tightly. Her mood turned dark again. How
many times had she been told he was dead.
And the closer he gets I can't help but hide so ashamed of my body and
voice.
Janet slowly set the glass down, wondering how she hadn't broken it yet.
Actually she wanted to throw the god damn thing into the wall. She settled
for the sound of it in her mind, instead.
When he passes me by, he's a ray of light like the first drop of sun from
the sky
And I know he's a king who deserves a queen.
Someone other than me.
So different from me.
Tears welled up and spilled over to slide past her temples into her hair.
Daniel would never see the real Janet, the one who loved him so much. He
would only see the caring doctor or good friend. God, she was tired. She
wiped her eyes with a sleeve and burrowed deeper in the couch. She just
needed some sleep, that was all. Tomorrow would be better. The love would be
back in it's safe place and she would be Dr. Fraiser and not Janet.
She yawned and pushed her hair back. The warmth and the brandy were working
together as one big sedative. Maybe she would dream of Daniel, she thought
sleepily. As she drifted off, the last lines of the song played.
He doesn't see me.
He doesn't see me.
He doesn't see me.
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