Saying Goodbye
by SaraC
E-MAIL: lexsara@yahoo.com
STATUS: Complete
RATING: PG-13
SEASON: 7
SPOILERS: Through “Heroes”
CATEGORY: Heroes post-ep, crossover, character death, angst
SUMMARY: Janet gets a chance to say a final goodbye
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Never will be. I own nothing but the plot and a desire to
give Janet a chance for some final words.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my tribute to the wonderful person and character that was Doctor
Janet Fraiser. Along with this story, I’ve created a video, that showcases the
impact and effect this woman has had on the lives of everyone at the SGC, most
notably, SG-1. It’s my way of paying tribute to one of the strongest, most
caring, loving characters portrayed anywhere. Well, perhaps two such characters.
Grab a Kleenex and enjoy the ride!
“Look to the Sky” Video: http://www.geocities.com/ethansresa/janet.html
Janet was floating.
Looking around in confusion, she suddenly became aware of that fact, as well as
the fact that she was staring at, well, nothing. Blinking, she tried to focus,
needing to understand where she was and what had happened.
Like a jolt, it suddenly came back to her in a waterfall of painfully vivid
images.
She was dead.
Shot through the heart with a staff weapon while trying to save a soldier’s
life, on some distant planet the world would most likely never hear of or know.
If she thought hard enough, she could still see the shock on Airman Wells’ face
as her body had flown backwards at the staff blast, could still hear Daniel’s
agonized cry of her name before everything went dark. Thankfully, the pain of
her fatal wound was not present in the memory of her death.
“You remembered quicker than most do, that’s a good sign that you’re in the
right place.”
She whirled around at the voice, surprised to see a brunette woman with a
shoulder length bob of curly hair standing next to her. Blinking, she tried to
figure out where the woman had come from, considering all she saw around her was
a white emptiness that was rather ethereal.
“Where am I?”
The other woman laughed ironically. “Beats me if I know. I’ve been trying to
figure that out for a while now, but so far, I haven’t had much luck. Not that
luck has decided to smile on me lately.”
She raised an eyebrow at the words, which somehow reminded her of Colonel
O’Neill. The sadness hit again as the thought of Jack brought on thoughts of the
rest of her family she’d left behind. The fact that she would never again get to
hug Cassie, to spend “girls night” with Sam, attend one of Jack’s infamous
barbeques or prescribe Daniel’s usual dose of allergy medicine.
Nope, instead she was stuck in a white ether in the middle of nowhere with a
rather unhelpful guide.
“Don’t feel too bad. It’s not all that bad here, at least when you get out of
this ether and they give you something to do or someone to watch over.”
“Something to do?” Janet was brought out of her depressed thoughts by her
confusion at the words. “Isn’t this Heaven, where everyone is eternally happy to
do nothing?”
The woman laughed again. “No, I figure its more like the midway point on the
stairway to heaven,” she smiled at her own joke, ignoring the groan Janet gave,
before continuing. “Still, if you want to head up the stairs, that is one of
your options.”
Janet raised an eyebrow again, in a scarily accurate imitation of Teal’c.
“Options? I get options?”
The woman nodded. “You can choose to move on to Heaven, a reward you have
definitely earned.” Janet wondered how this woman could make such a judgment,
but couldn’t express her feelings before the woman continued. “But, if still
desire to help people, as you did in life, you can choose to stay here and
become, in essence, a guardian angel to those in need.”
Janet was even more confused now, realizing this sounded like a plot of several
rather old TV shows. Suddenly, something occurred to her about the logic of the
choices she’d just been presented with. “So what if I chose Heaven? Am I going
to be forbidden to enter the pearly gates if I turn down this call to serve? Or
if I chose to stay, will Heaven still be waiting whenever, whoever, deems me
ready to enter it?”
Boy, she didn’t realize how clichéd that sounded until she said it.
“Heaven will always wait, it’s just, for some of us, don’t ask me how we’re
chosen, there are a few extracurricular activities to keep us occupied until its
truly our time to go.”
Janet rubbed her forehead, trying again not to think about the fact that she was
floating in a vast area of nothingness, talking to a woman who did not seem
quite sane. “So, I’m apparently considered good enough to be a guardian angel?”
Even she couldn’t believe her words. Although, it gave her a sense of security
and peace to know such creatures existed.
She wondered if SG-1 had a personal angel, and if so, how she could go about
arranging a meeting. There were quite a few things she intended to say to said
guardian angel. She was brought out of her thoughts by a soft clearing of a
throat. Turning back to her companion, she saw an understanding in the woman’s
dark eyes that made her throat tighten.
“You’ve done a lot of good in your lifetime, Janet. There is certainly need of
that goodness by a heck of a lot of others up here and down there.” The woman
gave her a genuine smile now. “You’ve got a chance here to continue doing what
you love, helping people. But only if you choose to do so.”
Janet bit her lip, trying to figure out what she was feeling. The raw emotions
of her recent death and the ones she’d left behind colored her thoughts and made
thinking coherently difficult. She had so many questions, and not nearly enough
answers.
“There’s some unfinished business you need to take care of back on Earth, isn’t
there.”
The words were a statement rather than a question, and the note of understanding
in the woman’s voice brought her head up sharply. “My family, I never got to say
goodbye, and I don’t know how they’ll handle, my death,” she paused at the
words, thinking how awful they sounded before taking a calming breath and
finishing her thought. “With everything else they’ve been through in the past
few years.”
The woman laughed, although the sound was melancholy. “Trust me, I know a little
something about that type of situation,” she offered, smiling sadly at Janet’s
look before sobering. “Regardless, because of the good deeds you’ve done and the
people you’ve saved, I can give you one night to go back and say your goodbyes,
to help them deal with their grief at losing you.”
Janet looked at her with a strange apprehension, although excitement and longing
filled her mind with the thought of being able to see her loved ones once more.
“You mean I can go back as a human?”
“No, more like a ghost in a corporeal body,” the woman explained, shrugging her
shoulders, “I don’t understand the physics behind it, but basically you will be
able to be seen by your friends and family. Most likely, they’ll think you are a
dream, but it’s better than nothing.”
Janet felt something in her heart twist at the longing in the woman’s voice and
she knew in that instant that this woman had gotten the same chance she was
being offered. When this was over, she was going to make a point to sit this
woman down for a long talk. But at the moment, she had more pressing concerns.
“When can I go?” She knew she sounded eager, but she was anxious, almost
desperate, to see her family, to hug Cassie and to perhaps, admit her love to
the man she’d been keeping it from for years, even if it was only as a ghost.
“Tonight, but you’ll only have the night. I’ll come for you when it is time to
return. Assuming that is, you’ll throw your lot in with us guardian angels?”
Janet couldn’t help but smile wistfully. “Do I get to watch over my family?” She
felt better at the smile she received in reply.
“You’re the only one who can.” With that, the woman closed her eyes and after
muttering a few words, began to glow, very much like several other ascended
beings she’d seen before. It was yet another question she added to her mental
list to ask when the woman returned.
“What do I do?”
“Relax, I’ll take it from here. This is one of the many things I do best.”
With those cryptic words, Janet found herself descending through a pool of
white, glowing light, almost as if she were being lifted down by a pair of firm,
steady hands. When her feet finally hit solid ground and the glowing light
cleared, she drew in a sharp breath to find she was standing in front of her
house.
Taking a moment to regain her bearings, she swallowed hard, already wondering
how in the world she was going to say goodbye to the people she’d hoped to be
with for years to come. It just wasn’t fair! The anger quickly subsided as she
realized that, for some reason, she was getting a chance she suspected not
everyone was given. She had been given a chance to do one final thing for those
she loved, by doing what she did best.
Fighting back her tears, she walked towards the steps, trying to find the words
to help her family say goodbye.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Reaching the top step, she found herself immediately confronted with Teal’c’s
tall form, seated on the bench next to the front door. The Jaffa’s eyes were
closed and she suspected, from the four or five lit candles around him, he was
in a state of kel’no’reem. Which might make this “appearing” thing a little
easier to start out with. Moving carefully, she walked over to the bench,
avoiding the candles, not sure if she were still able to be burned by their
flames. Reaching the bench, she was happy to feel the wood beneath her as she
sank onto it, closing her eyes and absorbing the peace around her, much of it
emanating from the man next to her.
“DoctorFraiser. I had hoped to find your spirit.”
Startled at the sudden words, she turned to find his gaze focused on her, no
surprise or shock in the brown depths. As she’d thought, Teal’c would probably
be the most open minded to this “ghost” thing.
“Well, I don’t know quite what you found, Teal’c, but it’s me, or at least some
form of me.” She smiled, as the Jaffa simply nodded in his usual, stoic way.
“Your death was sudden and unexpected, but the fact that you are here, I
believe, makes me to understand you have come to make peace with your soul and
those left behind?”
Janet smiled sadly. “You always were a quick study, Teal’c. Probably you’ll
understand better than anyone.” With a small sigh, she turned to face the Jaffa
who was watching her intently.
“Do you have something you wish to say to me, DoctorFraiser?”
That was Teal’c, straight to the point, even when confronted with a ghost.
“Actually, I do.” Taking a deep breath, she reached over and placed a hand on
his arm, happy to note she could feel the muscle beneath her hand. “I needed to
tell you how honored I have been to call you a friend, as well as family, all
these years.” She could already feel her voice choking up and she struggled to
keep her emotions under control.
“It has been a pleasure to work with you, and share a friendship that has been
unlike any I have ever known in all my years in this world.” The Jaffa seemed to
pause a moment, before continuing in the same, reassuring, steady voice he
always used. “I know you have often wondered at the ways of the Jaffa, and found
them difficult to accept. But despite your honorable medical views, you have
allowed our views and customs to overrule your medical regulations.”
Janet swallowed hard, knowing they both were thinking of the time he’d been
forced to choose his own path back from Apophis’ brainwashing, an experience
that had almost killed him and nearly led to her resignation. She was drawn out
of her memories as she felt his strong hand clasp hers.
“But you have saved my life more times than would be possible to count, and for
that, I will forever be indebted to you. I will miss you, JanetFraiser.”
Janet knew she was going to cry as she heard him use her first name. She could
count on one finger the number of times he’d called her Janet. Swallowing hard,
she managed a smile.
“I’m going to miss you too, Teal’c. But you have to remain strong for everyone.
You’re going to have to protect them, they’ll need you. Cassie especially,” she
trailed off at the thought of her daughter. She smiled as she felt Teal’c
squeeze the hand he held.
“Your daughter will always be under my care. I will treat her as if she were my
own.”
Janet smiled, unable to hold back a tear as she leaned over and pulled the tall
man into a hug, glad when she felt his arms wrap around her waist in a loose
embrace. She held him for a moment, taking comfort from his strength, before
releasing him.
“Thank you for showing me that people of all races can work together to find a
better world.”
The Jaffa simply nodded, watching as she rose from the bench.
“May you find peace, JanetFraiser. It has been an honor knowing you.”
Unable to speak, she nodded in reply, wiping away a tear as she turned and
walked over to the front door. She took one last look back, to find the Jaffa’s
eyes had slid closed once more, his body returning to its restful state. Wiping
away another tear, she opened the door and slipped into the house.
Taking a moment to compose herself, she walked into the living room, coming to a
halt at the figure that sat on her couch, staring blankly at the TV. Swallowing
around the lump in her throat, she walked carefully over to the couch, sitting
gingerly down next to Jack, hoping he would take this as well as Teal’c, but
doubting it. However, before she could say a word, she found the Colonel had
turned and was staring straight at her.
“Doc?”
She felt tears near again at the hoarse tone of his voice, and all she could do
was nod. “It’s me, Colonel, although I’m not quite sure what form I’m in,” she
ended, hoping for and receiving a ghost of his usual smile.
“I knew that last beer was going to be the killer.” The older man sighed as he
sank back into the cushions, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “You had to leave
us, didn’t you, Doc?” The words were abrupt and definitely bitter, but the hurt
behind them tore at her heart, knowing this gruffness was his way of hiding his
emotions.
“Not like I had much of a choice. A staff blast doesn’t discriminate between its
victims.” She saw his eyes open as he turned again to her. She knew what was
coming, and braced herself for it.
“It’s not fair. It should have been me.”
The words were simple, but spoken in an angry tone that twisted her already
aching heart. She could only swallow hard again, praying for the right words.
When she finally found them, she couldn’t help the tear that escaped with them.
“No, it shouldn’t have been you, Jack, and don’t you dare say that again.” She
put steel in her voice, seeing his eyes widen at the tone of her voice.
“Playing Doc even when you’re a ghost, why am I not surprised?”
She laughed along with him, although the desperate tone to his laughter told her
he was close to falling apart. Sighing, she leaned over and placed a hand on his
arm, seeing him start at her touch.
“Jack, it was my time.” She held up a hand at his protest. “I didn’t want this
to happen, God knows I didn’t want to leave Cassie to face losing a second
mother, or any of you losing a friend.”
“Family, Janet. You know you’re family.”
The words made her heart ache, but in a good way this time. “I know, Jack. But
that family is going to need serious help to get through this and you have to be
strong for them.” She waited, wondering what his reaction would be. Her heart
nearly broke again at his painful reply.
“I always have to be the strong one, can’t I be the weak one for once? For
crying out loud! Can’t I have someone tell me it’s going to be okay for a
change? That all wounds heal in time? That I’ll go on living knowing one of my
best friends died on a mission I was responsible for?”
“Stop it.” The words again were steely, only this time, she moved closer to his
shaking body, realizing he was about to lose it. Feeling helpless, she did the
only thing she could think of. Reaching over, she pulled him into her arms, as
if he were a child.
The wracking sobs he finally allowed to escape brought on her own tears as she
held him tightly, trying to find the words to comfort him, just as he’d wished.
She knew he would be strong, that he would be the one to get his family through
this as he always did, but tonight, he needed a shoulder to lean on and she knew
she was the only one that could fit the bill.
When the tears had finally stopped, she smiled and sniffed as he pulled back,
looking rather ashamed. “Can’t believe I lost it in front of a ghost,” he
muttered, drawing a laugh from her even through her tears.
“You needed to, Jack. We all need to grieve, it’s healthy. It helps us to move
on.” She held up a hand as he tried to say something. “You can be strong now,
especially for Cassie. She’s going to need all the love you and the rest of SG-1
have to get through this,” she trailed off at the mention of her child, and the
knowledge that she would not be able to be there to see her daughter grow old.
It was Jack this time that placed a hand on her arm. “Janet, I swear to you, I
will never let anything happen to Cassie, she’s already my daughter in heart and
mind. Just like I won’t let anything or anyone hurt Sam, or Daniel or Teal’c,
not while I’m still alive and kicking.” He stopped a moment, his voice breaking.
“I couldn’t save you but I’ll be damned if I make the same mistake with someone
else I love.”
“You couldn’t have saved me, Jack, no one could.” The tears threatened again as
she sniffed and tried to make him understand what she needed to say. “But you’ll
do the best you can, like you always do, to make sure nothing like that ever
happens to my daughter, or my family. That means more than you know to me, Jack.
It more than makes up for the times you gave me hell during a physical or
recovery.”
She was pleased to note that reply drew a laugh. “Yeah, I had you trained
nicely, I don’t know if I can break in a new CMO. After all, who will put up
with me when I refuse to listen, or insist that I know better what’s best for
me, even during the trauma of losing a best friend,” the words trailed off again
as his eyes glistened once more.
Knowing she was remembering the first, horrid time they though they’d lost
Daniel, she could only squeeze his hand. She knew she needed to go before she
lost it again, sensing the night was waning, she managed a watery smile. “You’ll
be fine, just remember to give whomever it is hell about needles. I’ll be upset
if I find out it was only me you hassled.”
Rising, she noted he rose as well, swallowing hard before speaking. “Janet, I
know I never said it, but I hope you know how much your friendship means to me,
has always meant to me. You’ve been the rock of SG-1 through everything and
well, I know we didn’t tell you enough, but it’s not going to be the same
without you.”
Janet wiped away another tear as she walked over and wrapped her arms around his
waist, feeling him pull her close. Hugging him tightly, she managed to find her
voice as she pulled back with a small smile. “It’s been an honor to work with
you, Jack.” She smiled at his expression, before sobering. Looking him straight
in the eye, she spoke from her heart.
“I can’t patch this family’s physical wounds anymore, but I’ll be around,
hopefully, to help with he emotional ones. But you’re going to have to take
center stage. It’s your responsibility now, and its one I know you won’t forget
or fail.” The solemn expression in his eyes was exactly what she’d hoped to see.
“It won’t be the same, but I won’t let them down. I promise.”
She smiled as she pulled back, leaning up to plant a light kiss on his cheek.
“It’s been a pleasure knowing you, Jack O’Neill.”
“The pleasure has been mine.” The words were choked and she saw a fresh tear
escape his eye. Swallowing hard, she managed to keep a smile on her face as she
walked towards the staircase. His words however caught her by surprise.
“If you run into Charlie out there, tell him I said hello, okay?”
Her eyes watered again as she turned and gave him a genuine smile. “You bet I
will.” The look in his eyes nearly had her crying again, and she struggled to
find some happier thought to leave him on. Suddenly, she knew what to say.
“Jack,” she called over to him, noting he had settled back onto the couch, his
eyes fluttering shut as he began to place her in the realm of his dreams.
“Yeah, Janet?”
She smiled through her tears. “Make sure you don’t keep Sam waiting too long.”
His soft chuckle warmed her heart as no reply could. Sighing, she watched until
he’d settled into a restful sleep, before turning and walking up the stairs to
the second floor.
The smile faded as she approached Cassie’s door. This was going to be rough. But
she had to do it, she needed to see her baby, speak to her, one last time.
Fighting down the almost never ending stream of tears, she opened the door, her
eyes filling at the sight that greeted her.
Cassie was curled up against Sam, who was lying on top of the covers next to the
girl, her chin resting against the top of the young woman’s head. Tear tracks
were evident on both faces, and it was obvious both were not sleeping well,
rustling or moving now and then as if disturbed by dreams.
Moving over to the bed, she sat gently down on the side of it and reached to
brush a strand of hair off Cassie’s forehead. Her eyes filled as her daughter’s
eyes shot open, the pain in them wrenching at her heart.
“Mom?”
The heartbroken word had her tears flowing again, and all she could do was nod,
opening her arms and nearly gasping as the teen threw herself into them, holding
on for dear life as sobs wracked her body. Holding her close, she tried to
whisper soothing words, although her own tears made speech nearly impossible.
“Janet?”
She barely heard Sam’s voice over Cassie’s sobbing, but Janet managed to open
her eye and nod at her friend.
“You’re a dream, aren’t you?”
That was Sam, ever the pragmatic one.
“Something like that,” she replied, feeling Cassie begin to calm as the sobs
stopped. Her daughter pulled back slightly when she was coherent and the
confusion in her eyes tore at her heart.
“How can you be here?”
Janet sighed, brushing the hair off the beloved face. “I only came back to say
goodbye. Someone up there,” she motioned with her hand, “is looking out for me.”
Cassie wiped at her cheeks, the motion making Janet’s eyes fill again. Her girl
was brave, never let it be said otherwise, and she couldn’t have been more proud
of her.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t a better daughter.”
The words made her eyes water again as she looked Cassie directly in the eye.
“Don’t ever say that. You are the most wonderful daughter I could ever hope for,
and I know you’re going to go on to do great things. Don’t ever give up on your
dreams.”
Cassie sniffed again, wiping away several more tears. “I don’t want to go on
without you.” The words were anguished, almost guilty, as the teen shot a look
over at Sam. Janet felt her heart fill, understanding immediately that Cassie
was worried that Sam would be offended.
“It’s okay, Cass, Sam understands.” She turned to look at her friend, who nodded
through the tears that seeped down her cheeks.
“I do, Cass. No one can replace your mom, but we’ll all be here for you, we’re
family.” Sam’s voice was choked, but steady, and Janet once again marveled at
the ability of her friend to sound so calm in the face of utter turmoil.
Janet smiled slightly, turning back to her daughter. “You’re all going to need
each other, so be there for each other, no matter what. And don’t give them a
hard time, or at least, not too much of one, okay?”
Cassie nodded, snuggling back against the pillows but keeping, Janet noted, her
hand wrapped tightly around hers. She felt the tears building again, and started
as she felt a hand on her arm.
“Janet, I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”
Her heart tightened at the anguished words, and she swallowed hard as she turned
to face her best friend. “It wasn’t your fault, Sam. It was fate, or karma, or
whatever you call it. It was my time, you had nothing to do with it.”
“But you’ve saved me so many times!” Sam’s voice was almost desperate and she
leaned over to place a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder as the words
poured out. “There have been so many times I should have died, with Jolinar,
with the Touched, hell, with Gou’ald torture and evil computer entities that
took over my body. You did all that for me, and I couldn’t save you!”
The agony in the words had her reaching for Sam, pulling her into a tight hug.
She rocked her gently, in the same comforting manner she’d used with Jack and
Cassie. Whispering broken words of comfort she tried to find the words to ease
her best friend’s pain, although her own was nearly crippling her.
“You’ve saved me more than you know, all of you,” she whispered, knowing her
friend wouldn’t understand, but needing to say the words. They were true,
although she was the only one that understood what having a family like SG-1 had
done for her.
“But we couldn’t save you this time.”
Hearing the pain in the words, she forced her voice to take on her “doctor”
tone. “Don’t go there, Sam. This family needs you to be strong. You have to
move on and get on with saving the world. No one else can do it.”
She bit her lip as Sam began to cry again. Unable to speak, she held onto her
best friend a little tighter, feeling Cassie sit up and enfold them both in her
arms. The three women simply held onto each other and cried for a while,
unwilling, it seemed to let go.
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Janet. I’m not sure what I’m going to do
without you.” Sam’s voice was hoarse, but she couldn’t help but smile.
“You’re going to find that Cassie is pretty good at picking up where I left off,
especially when it comes to egging you to do something about that handsome, yet
annoying, CO that you’re in love with.” She smiled as the words drew a shocked
expression from her friend and a small laugh from her daughter.
“Janet!”
Janet could only smile as she heard Cassie sleepily reply “iIt’s not like it’s
some big secret how you feel Sam. Or how Jack feels about you.”
Her friend looked totally floored and she knew it would be an expression she
wouldn’t soon forget. She only wished she’d be able to be there for these
“teasing” sessions, or when Sam and Jack finally got together as they should
have been from the start.
She was loath to leave, but she knew her time was short and she still had one
more person she needed to see. Forcing herself to move, she leaned over and gave
both Cassie and Sam final hugs.
“I’m so proud of you both. Never forget that.”
It was almost agony to rise from the bed, feeling Cassie’s arms slip from her
waist as her daughter settled back into the bed, Sam curling up at her side.
Both women were looking at her, but their eyes had begun to droop. Stepping
back, she found her voice nearly gone.
“Be happy.” She whispered the words, leaning over to place a tender kiss first
on Cassie’s forehead, then on Sam’s.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Cass. Forever.” She was crying again as she watched her
daughter’s eyes drift closed. Turning to her best friend, she found Sam crying
as well.
“I love you too, Janet. I’m going to miss you more than you know.”
Janet could only nod, wondering why no one had warned her this was going to hurt
so much. Managing a smile through her tears, she found her voice.
“I’ll be around, Sam.” She saw her friend took some comfort from the words,
nodding as her eyes drifted closed and she fell into a more restful sleep.
“Take care of my daughter, she’s yours now.” The words were painful, bringing on
a fresh bout of tears, but she knew she spoke the truth. Cassie was lucky enough
to have a lot of people who could show her what a true family was. It was just
going to hurt so much to not be a part of that!
Turning, knowing she would never leave if she didn’t go now, she walked to the
door. She stopped only once to look back for a final glimpse of the two most
important women in her life.
“Take care of them,” she whispered, looking upward for a moment before walking
from the room. She barely managed close the door behind her before sank down to
her knees in tears. She cried for several minutes before pulling herself
together enough to rise. She was going to need all her strength for this final
visit. Taking a deep breath, she made her way down the hallway to the master
bedroom, knowing instinctively that was where she would find him.
Pushing open the door, she caught her breath at the sight of Daniel standing in
the moonlight, staring blankly out the window. He had always been a handsome
man, but the sight of him now literally took her breath away. Moving quietly
across the room, she came to his side, wondering if he would notice her.
“Have you come back to haunt me?”
Well, that took care of that question.
Feeling a small smile break over her face, she turned to look up at him, feeling
her heart jolt at the knowledge his intense blue eyes were now focused on hers.
“Actually, I came back to say goodbye. Kind of a deal I struck with Powers That
Be, or whomever is controlling fate now.” It was a lame response, but suddenly,
she didn’t know what to say.
Daniel remained silent, although his gaze never left hers. She almost jumped
when his low voice suddenly broke the silence.
“I’m so sorry.” The words were strangled, but still, there were no tears. She
felt her heart splinter at the agony reflected in his eyes, knowing only that
she needed to do something to comfort him.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. As I told everyone else, it was my time.
There was nothing you could have done to save me, and you know it, Daniel.”
“I could have done something!” She felt her heart nearly yanked from her chest
as he turned from her and walked across the room, nearly reaching the door
before whirling around, pain and anger in his deep blue eyes. “I could have
stopped the bleeding, gotten help, done something to stop you from dying!”
She felt her tears begin to fall as she slowly moved towards him, unable to
speak, knowing he had to get this out. He wouldn’t be able to move on until he
did. She wouldn’t be able to move on until he did.
“I watched you die, Janet! You died in my arms and I couldn’t save you!” His
voice broke on the final words, the first tear escaping his tight control.
“Oh, Daniel, it’s not your fault. It never was,” she whispered, reaching his
side, hesitating for only a moment as she saw the dam break.
“Why? Why did you have to leave me?” The heartbroken words were the final straw
as he reached for her and she allowed her sobs free reign as he wrapped her in
his arms and sank to the floor, pulling her with him as he finally broke down
and cried.
She cried with him, holding him tightly, whispering what words of comfort she
could, although her heart was breaking along with his. There was nothing else to
say, nothing she could do. Nothing would ever completely take away the pain, but
it would ease with time. It was a bittersweet thought, but one she knew to be
true.
Finally, after what seemed hours, but was probably only minutes, she felt his
body calm, and a few seconds later, he was pulling back enough to see her face,
keeping his arms tightly around her waist. They simply stared into each others
eyes, and Janet found herself realizing there was no place else she wanted to
be.
“You know, I was planning to ask you out to dinner when we got back from that
mission.”
The words were hoarse and the pain in his eyes had not diminished, but the small
smile on his face did wonders for her aching heart. Although the bittersweet
situation struck her as the worst form of irony.
“I would have said yes.” She saw his eyes brighten, then dull as the realization
they would never get their chance resurfaced. Leaning against him, she allowed
her head to rest on his chest, wondering at the unjustness of the situation they
found themselves in.
“You would have liked the date I had planned. I was going to take you to PX4-768
for a special home cooked dinner while watching their two yellow suns set.”
Janet smiled against his chest, allowing the images he painted to wash over her
mind. If she concentrated hard enough, she could almost see those suns, feel his
presence with her as they relaxed over a bottle of wine.
“I’m sure it would have been beautiful. I’m sorry we won’t get that experience.”
Her voice clogged up again as reality returned and she burrowed tightly against
him, unwilling to give up one moment of the fast waning night. She sniffed as
she felt his fingers stroke down her cheeks, lifting her chin until her eyes met
his.
“You really are beautiful, Janet. I should have told you sooner.”
The words threatened to bring on the tears again, but she held them at bay,
reaching up to cup his cheek seeing the love reflected from her eyes in his.
“I should have told you a lot of things, Daniel Jackson, but one thing above all
else.” Looking deep into his eyes, she found the courage to admit it.
“I love you.”
The grief and joy that appeared in those blue orbs told her everything she
needed to know, as he leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss she’d been
waiting years to experience. He was gentle at first, tentative, almost
exploring, until she moaned and wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing him
closer and deepening the kiss.
Tongues met and tangled as hands clutched each other tightly, unwilling to let
go for fear of a final parting. When they finally drew apart for breath, she
found her breathing stopped at the look in his eyes.
“I love you too, Janet. I have for a long, long time now and I always will.”
The words did bring tears to her eyes as she smiled and leaned against him,
happy to feel the warmth of his arms tight around her as she basked in the glow
of his admission. For moments, they remained quiet, until a sense of urgency
returned.
“Daniel, my time is almost up,” she began, only to be stopped as he placed a
finger against her lips, rising and pulling her with him to the bed.
“For whatever time we have left, I want to hold you. At least I’ll have the
memory of that.”
She began crying again as he pulled her onto the bed with him and she
instinctively curled up in his arms, breathing in the scent that was uniquely
Daniel. Inside, she was cursing herself for never admitting her feelings. What a
chance they’d wasted.
“What are you thinking?”
His words brought a wry smile to her face. “Just about how stupid I was to keep
my feelings for you secret. All the time we could have had together-”
“I was guilty too. I could have told you I’d fallen in love with you, but I was
scared of getting hurt again.”
She felt another tear escape as she turned to gaze into his eyes. “No regrets,
no punishing yourself for things that could have been. My time was up, but yours
isn’t.” She placed her fingers over his lips as he tried to speak.
“Our family needs you, especially Cassie. You can’t do this alone, you have to
lean on each other and talk to each other. It’s the only way you’ll be able to
move on.” She hated the thought that she didn’t want them to move on, but knew
they had to. Not to her surprise, it would seem Daniel knew it too.
“We’ll never forget you, Janet. I’ll never forget my love for you, or stop being
thankful for this opportunity to realize it’s returned. Although I don’t know
what I’m going to do without you.”
She sniffled against his chest as he leaned down to kiss her again. When they
parted, she could feel the lethargy taking over his body, and knew then that
their time was almost up.
“Daniel, never forget how much I love you. How proud I am of you, and all you’ve
done,” she smiled as his eyes fluttered open, even as his arms tightened around
her waist.
“I am who I am because of you. Thank you for loving me, for showing me the man I
can be.”
She brushed a kiss across his lips as his eyes drifted shut. “Thank you for
loving me, and my daughter, and our family.” She held onto him tighter as he
buried his head against her shoulder, wrapping herself in the all too fleeting
joy of being in the arms of the only man she would ever love.
“Janet, it’s time.”
The soft voice was not unexpected, but she couldn’t help but resent it as she
closed her eyes and leaned into Daniel’s chest again.
“We have to go, its almost dawn.”
Knowing the woman spoke the truth, she struggled against a fresh wave of tears
as she extracted herself from his arms, her heart aching as he muttered her name
and clutched a pillow to his chest as if it were her body.
The tears fell again as she leaned over and kissed him gently one last time.
Pulling back, her throat clogged as she heard him whisper, “I love you, Janet.
Don’t go far.”
Leaning over, she brushed a kiss across his cheek and whispered against his ear,
“I love you too, Daniel. And I’ll never be far away.” Crying in earnest now, she
forced herself to leave his side, backing away, unable to take her eyes from his
face.
“They’re going to be all right.”
She nodded at the woman, unable to speak for the grief clogging her throat. It
was a welcome relief to feel a small arm close around her shoulders, to feel the
understanding emanating in waves from the other woman.
“You really won’t be far, you’ll always be watching over them, and they’ll know
you’re there. Trust me.”
Janet found herself able to take some small comfort in the words; almost unaware
of the fact she’d begun to drift away from the floor. Taking one final look at
Daniel, she smiled, her heart in her eyes and her words.
“I love you, Daniel Jackson. Always.”
Blowing him a kiss, she allowed the white light encompassing her to cloud her
vision as she felt herself and her companion rising again. As the sight of those
she loved disappeared, she found herself remembering the one question she’d
meant to ask when she’d started.
“You know, along with where we’re going, you haven’t told me your name.”
The brunette woman smiled as they disappeared into the sky, a bright light that
some might have called a shooting star if they’d seen it.
“You can call me Cordelia.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The End
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