Morning After XII: When All Else Fails
by Becca
E-MAIL: yuna_ezri@yahoo.com
STATUS: Incomplete
CATEGORY: D/J
RATING: Beta Goddess Katness says PG-13
SPOILERS: Nope!
SEASON: Any season you want :)
“Hi,” he started nervously, doing his best to keep his voice from
breaking. He jammed his hands in his pockets, that being the only thing
keeping him from pulling her into his arms and promising never to let
go again, never to hurt her intentionally like that ever again.
The last hours of the mission had been pure agony as he thought about
what he had done, the pain he had managed to cause her in the space of
a few minutes. But that was what love was, he guessed; giving someone
the ability to hurt you that much and perhaps shatter your trust in
them so quickly. He hoped he hadn’t damaged their relationship beyond
repair, or he’d be heading down the path of self-destruction…he’d
nearly done it after Sha’re, had withdrawn completely after his
parents’ deaths, but he loved Janet so much more…even contemplating
life without her at this point seemed inconceivable.
“Hi,” she replied quietly, eyes studiously avoiding his face as she
sought the strength to not break down and cry in front of him.
“Can I come in?” It was an order, really, not a question, but she took
it at face value anyway, ignoring his tone of voice as he said it.
“You made it pretty clear last time that we were through and you didn’t
want to see me again,” Janet replied, silently begging him to just let
her be.
“So you want me to just go? To walk out of your life forever?” he asked
carefully, not wanting to push her, but they needed to talk, and do it
before he had a chance to hurt her again. “I’ll do that if you want,
Janet, but you have to be sure that’s what you really want, because I’m
not coming back again.”
“Yes…” She drew the word out unconsciously, showing how unsure she was,
and he tried once more.
“Janet, if you can look me in the face and tell me to walk away now, I
will,” Daniel said gently, not daring to touch her to lift her chin up
so he could see her eyes.
She lifted her chin slightly, just enough to look at him properly, but
low enough that she could still drop her eyes and hide her face if she
thought she had to. His eyes caught hers, and she was instantly drawn
into their crystal blue depths.
Regret. Fear. Sorrow. Pain. Regret.
The emotions ran through her head, repeating in a mantra as she tried
to convince herself he wasn’t worth the heartache. But deep inside she
knew he was, and always had been.
“Daniel…I…please, just go…I’ve cried too much already,” she said sadly,
trying to communicate through her eyes the enormity of this simple
sentence. She couldn’t keep on fighting for them anymore, she couldn’t
cling to him when she thought he would just turn around and hurt her
again without a moment’s thought.
Almost without a thought, and certainly before he gave himself
conscious permission to do so, he stepped forward, pulling her into his
arms fiercely, just holding her as though by doing this he could keep
them together forever.
She tried to pull back at first, his action totally unexpected, but he
held her close to him, not letting her escape, determined to keep her.
He didn’t intend on walking away from this without even her friendship.
If that was all he could have, then that was what he would accept, even
without the hope of a deeper friendship to perhaps come.
Almost as suddenly as he had hugged her, she buried her head in his
chest, her body shaking. Not from laughter, she wasn’t laughing because
he was such a pathetic specimen of a human being, she was crying…her
body shaking from countless sobs as they tore themselves from her
throat to end muffled in his shirt.
He could do nothing but hold her, letting her cry onto him, not daring
to move in case he lost this tenuous contact with her. Too afraid to
lose her again, he simply clung to the only thing he could find…hope.
Hope that perhaps everything would be all right again, hope that he and
Janet would be ok.
“I’m sorry…” he whispered quietly as her tears subsided somewhat,
though she kept her face buried in his chest, finding what warmth she
could in this man she thought hated her more and more each time he saw
her, reminded of her pregnancy. “I’m so sorry, Janet…I can’t imagine
what kind of hurt I’ve caused you…and now I’ve only added to it, you
said you didn’t want to cry anymore…I shouldn’t have come, but I
couldn’t just give ‘us’ up that easily…”
He sighed unhappily, one hand idly massaging the small of her back,
while the other held her tight around the waist. “I’m such an idiot…I
destroyed the thing that made me the happiest, and now I want it back…I
guess you must hate me now, I’ve caused you so much pain…”
“I’m glad you came,” Janet whispered, so softly that he would have
missed it had he not been straining his ears to hear any reaction from
her. The sheer shock of that simple statement astounded him for a few
moments, and he could only stare down at the top of her head, wondering
at what he had heard.
“But…” he started, about to point out all the reasons she should be
unhappy he came. He had been so determined to try and change things for
them, to stop them resigning themselves to living without the other
that it seemed like the only thing to do at the time, no matter how
irrational and stupid it seemed and how she might react to it.
“I was stupid,” Janet continued quietly, arms still around him, head
still all-but buried in his chest. “I should have told you…”
“Why didn’t you?” he asked quietly, voicing one of the main questions
running through his mind.
“I…was afraid of what you would think of me,” she admitted, turning her
face up to him so he could see the truth in them. That she was so
deathly afraid of losing his respect, his trust, his love.
“Janet…” he started, wondering how he could make her see that he would
love her no matter what. Finally, words failing him, he resorted to the
one thing that made words redundant, and kissed her.
She immediately melted into the kiss, replying in turn with her own
love as he showed her his. They remained like this for as long as they
were able, locked in an embrace as they lost themselves in each other,
but finally the need for air was too great, and they broke apart
reluctantly, though still clung to the each other like a lifeline.
“The only reason I reacted the way I did, was because I was afraid you
loved someone else,” Daniel whispered softly into her hair. “I was
afraid that you didn’t love –me-, and I reacted out of jealousy and
fear…I love you, and the baby, and never meant to hurt you like that.”
“I love –you-, Daniel, not anyone else,” Janet replied, looking up at
him again, love and trust gracing her eyes. He smiled back, believing
her words as the deep emotions in her eyes backed them up. It would
take time for them to completely trust each other again, but they had
their love, and it would carry them through.
*********
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