Letting Go
by Sue Corkill & Wendy Parkinson
E-MAIL: mscorkill@earthlink.net and wendy.parkinson@ntlworld.com
STATUS: Complete
CATEGORY: Dan & Jan, Angst, Romance
RATING: PG-13
SEASON: Fifth Season
SPOILERS: Various episodes from all-previous seasons up to and
including Meridian.
SUMMARY: Janet grieves after Daniel’s death and finds help from an
unexpected source.
DISCLAIMERS: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. I made no money off the production of this fan fiction and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
FEEDBACK: Cheerfully accepted.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Sue: I will miss Daniel greatly, and this story is a
small attempt to bring closure to that episode. That Stargate will go on
without Daniel is a given, and I know I’ll go on writing Dan&Jan fic
within the already established parameters of the series. It just seemed
appropriate somehow, to give Janet an opportunity to mourn.
Wendy: I always love writing with Sue and this story has been no
exception. However, those of you familiar with my writing will realise the
angst level on this one is not my usual style and I'd like to thank Sue
for her continual suggestions and encouragement. BTW, I suspect Sue may
have shares in Kleenex....
One by one, they slowly left the room. Liz stood unobtrusively just
outside the door as the remaining members of SG-1 and Jacob Carter filed
past her. They didn’t notice her, she hadn’t intended that they would.
General Hammond noticed her—but then that was his way—and nodded
briefly, before he too walked slowly down the hall, away from the infirmary.
That meant that only one person was left in the room…. Matthews joined
her at her self-appointed station at the door.
"Is she still in there?" he whispered.
"Yes, everyone else just left."
"Should we go in?" His voice sounded worried, reflecting the concern
evident on his face.
Liz sighed, rubbing at her forehead…she so did not need a headache
right now. "Let’s give her a few more minutes."
"Will there be a post, do you think?"
"I don’t think so…we know what killed him." Liz shook her head at
Matthews’s skeptical look. "Alright, alright! I’ll ask her."
Matthews grimaced, "Better you than me."
Liz gave him a half smile. Matthews was a good corpsman, but if he
could avoid conflict, he did. Which made her wonder how the heck he’d ended
up in the Air Force? She checked her watch. Crap, shift change was in
thirty minutes and if she wasn’t there…. Taking a deep breath Liz
straightened her shoulders and told Matthews, "Okay, let’s go."
Doctor Janet Fraiser stood at the side of the bed, one of her petite
hands resting on top of one of his heavily bandaged hands. Her eyes were
bleak, but dry, when she looked up at them.
Liz walked over the bed where Doctor Daniel Jackson’s lifeless body lay
swathed in bandages, still connected to the various machines that had
monitored his life and now gave testament to the death of his body. That
his body was dead, Liz had no doubt. But she also knew something
extraordinary had happened with his mind, soul, and spirit—she wasn’t exactly
sure what word was the best to describe the entity she had witnessed
arising from his physical body at the moment of his ‘death’. She had
automatically noted the time; someone would want the details sooner or
later.
Matthews cleared his throat from where he stood at the foot of the bed.
Liz frowned and shook her head slightly; he sighed and stepped a few
paces back. Liz slowly took the few steps that brought her to Janet
Fraiser’s side, and she stood next to the silent woman. "Janet," she said
softly, "Matthews will take care of him."
"What?" Fraiser shook her head, blinking her eyes as if she were just
waking, and looked at Liz. "I’m sorry…yes, of course," Janet murmured,
not moving away from the bed.
Liz gently touched Janet’s shoulder, "Let me take you to your office,
okay?" Matthews took her cue and came to stand on the opposite side of
Fraiser. Liz and Matthews gently herded Fraiser away from the deathbed
and towards the door, the doctor being uncharacteristically cooperative.
When their little trio got to the door, Matthews hung back, clearing
his throat. Liz glared at him over Fraiser’s head, but never the less
asked, her voice quietly gentle. "Doc?"
"Yes?" Janet replied, her voice distant and calm—too calm, Liz
realized, but she’d have to deal with that later.
"Will there be a post?" Liz already felt horrible having to ask the
question and felt even worse as what little color there had been in
Fraiser’s face suddenly faded.
"No," Janet replied softly, then a little more firmly. "No, that won’t
be necessary."
"Let’s go to your office," Liz urged then, taking Fraiser by the arm.
They had just stepped into the hall when Janet hung back and then turned
back to Matthews, who still stood just inside the doorway.
"Take good care of him for me, Matthews?" the doctor asked, her voice
reflecting her loss and pain. Liz felt her eyes start to fill with tears
at her friend’s question and she wiped surreptitiously at them with the
tissue she had clenched in her other hand.
Matthews nodded, his face somber. "I will, ma’am. Don’t you worry."
"Come on, Janet," Liz once more urged. "Let’s go to your office."
Thank god they didn’t run into anyone else during the short walk to
Fraiser’s office, Liz thought in relief. Normally the infirmary was
bustling at this time of day, but word must have spread regarding Doctor
Jackson’s death. That seemed to be about the only time that everyone stayed
away—whenever someone died. The two women safely made it to Janet’s
office and Liz quickly hustled the still silent woman inside.
"Sit down, hon," she told Janet, urging her towards her chair when the
other woman made no move to sit down. Fraiser obediently sat and Liz
looked at her carefully. Still too pale, too quiet, too withdrawn…eyes
too dry, she suddenly realized. Liz checked her watch again, too hell
with shift change she decided, Baker would have to give report; the Doc
needed her more right now.
"Janet?" Liz leaned down so she could look right in Fraiser’s face, not
continuing until the other woman had focused her sad eyes on her. "I
need to call Baker and let her know what’s going on and then I’m going to
bring you a cup of nice, strong tea, okay?"
Janet nodded, her responses seemingly on automatic.
"Good." Liz straightened and gently touched Janet’s hand. "I won’t be
gone but a few minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Janet Fraiser stared at the hands clasped on her lap; her clean,
pink, healthy hands. So different from Daniel's. So different from how
they were before he.... She knew he'd died, all the machines had said
so. But had he? The Colonel insisting that Jacob 'let him go'. That it
was 'what he wants'. Then the shimmering light rising from Daniel's
body. Was he really dead? All her medical training said 'yes', but if that
was the case, shouldn't she be grieving? Shouldn't she be crying,
shouting... shouldn't she be feeling something? She let out a deep sigh as
Liz returned, handing her a cup of tea. All she felt was... nothing. An
all-encompassing numbness. Disbelief. The conviction that it was all a
bad dream and he'd come walking through the door any minute, a soppy
grin on his face, sweep her into his arms and kiss her like his life
depended on it.
She sipped the tea, vaguely aware of Liz sitting next to her and asking
if she wanted anything. Janet tried to think but everything felt like
it was in slow motion. Did she want anything? She heard a voice, hers,
she presumed, say, "No, thanks." She took another sip of tea.
Why had the Colonel told Jacob to stop healing Daniel? What right had
he to play God, to say who lived or died? "It's what he wants." The
Colonel's words echoed in her mind. How the hell did he know? She began to
feel something at last. A growing rage against O'Neill. He'd condemned
Daniel to death. "I've got to go and see the Colonel," she muttered,
struggling to her feet. She'd make him pay for what he'd done.
Firm hands gripped her shoulders and forced her back down into the
chair. "Why do you want to see him?"
"He killed Daniel... I've got to do something." Janet tried to stand
again, but the hands were back on her shoulders.
"Hon, you're shaking like a leaf. I don't think you'd get to the
Colonel's office before you keeled over." Janet felt the hands give her a
gentle squeeze. "And you're not thinking too clearly at the moment. Leave
your chat with the Colonel for a few days until everything's had a
chance to sink in. We saw something very strange in there. It's going to
take a while to come to terms with it... if we ever do. Come on, finish
your tea before it gets cold."
Janet obediently did as she was asked, her anger evaporating as quickly
as it had erupted. She didn't have the strength to think for herself.
It felt like a dense cloud enveloped her, stifling her emotions, her
intellect...stifling her very soul. The empty cup was taken gently from
her trembling hands. Liz's voice asked again, "Is there anything you'd
like?"
Then suddenly, Janet realized what she wanted. She heard herself say,
"Yes, there is something I want... I want Daniel back." The words
breached a dam inside her, releasing a flood of tears and raw emotion that
threatened to engulf her. In a way she was relieved to be feeling grief
at last, but this emotion was so intense, so painful that she was
frightened she wouldn't be able to endure it. In one heart-wrenching moment
the reality of what she'd experienced had hit her with the force of an
express train. She felt herself being pulled into a firm hug and a hand
stroking her back like her Mom used to do when she was small. It didn't
do any good, it just reinforced the fact that this was real, not a
nightmare. A tissue was pushed into her hands, then Liz said, "Let it all
out. You'll feel better for it."
Wild, uncontrollable thoughts passed through Janet's mind as she sobbed
in Liz's arms. She wished she'd died instead of him. She wanted him to
come back. She railed at the injustice of such a good man dying so
young. She was angry at the indecisiveness of it all. She was still upset
with the Colonel.
She wondered if this was what heartbreak felt like.
After what seemed like forever, the wracking sobs gradually subsided
into shuddering gulps for air, as she seemed to run out of tears to cry.
Liz gently released her from the hug, leaving an arm protectively over
Janet's shoulders, and passed her another tissue. Janet blew her nose
noisily, then slumped forward, resting her head on her hands. How could
she get through this? How could she go on without him? In such a short
time he'd come to mean so much to her. Even Cassie had approved.
Cassie.
How on earth was she going to tell Cassie that Daniel was dead? Janet
doubted she could say the words. And should she even try and explain
about that shimmering light leaving his body? "Cassie," she murmured.
"I've got to get home and tell Cassie."
Liz gave her shoulders a squeeze. "Okay, but let me take you. I don't
think you ought to drive at the moment."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cassie peered into the fridge, wondering what she could find to munch
on. She knew Janet would be home soon and would want them to have dinner
together. She didn’t mind really, even if she and Dominic did have a
date, it wasn’t until later anyway. Finally settling on some yogurt,
Cassie closed the refrigerator door and opened the small container.
Mmm...lemon meringue, one of her favorites. She had just taken a spoon out of
the drawer when she heard a car pull into the drive. Wandering over to
the kitchen window, a spoonful of yogurt in her mouth, she looked out
the window at the drive. Expecting to see Janet’s Pathfinder, she was
surprised to see Mrs. Fiala’s station wagon. Cassie recognized her
friend’s mother in the driver’s seat and Janet on the passenger side. What
was Mrs. Fiala doing driving Janet home? Was Janet sick?
Feeling uneasy, Cassie watched as Mrs. Fiala got out of the car while
Janet just sat motionless, her head bowed. Mrs. Fiala hustled around the
front of the station wagon and opened the passenger door, reaching in
and helping Janet out. Cassie’s unease changed to true alarm as she
watched Janet sag and Mrs. Fiala place an arm around her waist, walking her
slowly towards the front door. Tossing her half-empty yogurt container
and spoon aside, Cassie raced to the front door, flinging it open just
as Janet and Mrs. Fiala got there.
"Mom, what’s wrong?" Cassie asked, looking anxiously from Janet’s pale
and drawn face to Mrs. Fiala’s somber one.
"Come on, Cassie, let me get your Mom inside," Mrs. Fiala instructed.
"Then we can talk, okay?" Cassie nodded in agreement; standing aside as
Mrs. Fiala ushered her silent mother past her. She still felt confused
but she was starting to feel a bit calmer because of Mrs. Fiala’s
reassuring presence. Cassie followed the two women into the living room,
watching as Mrs. Fiala helped Janet out of her coat. Quickly running out
of patience Cassie blurted out, "Mom, what’s wrong?"
Janet finally looked at her and the sadness Cassie saw in Janet’s eyes
told her something was terribly wrong. The only other time she’d seen
that look on her Mom’s face had been when she’d been sick from Nirti’s
implant. "Mom...what happened?" Cassie asked, her voice trembling
slightly as she stepped closer to her.
"Cassandra...." Her Mom’s usually vibrant voice was weak and unsure,
and she never called her ‘Cassandra’ unless it was something really
serious. Her mother suddenly choked back a sob, and covered her eyes with a
trembling hand. "Liz, I..." Janet stopped her voice breaking again.
"It’s okay, hon." Mrs. Fiala gave Janet a gentle push in the direction
of the bedrooms. "You go change out of that uncomfortable skirt and
heels. I’ll talk to Cassie." Cassie watched in amazement as her normally
bossy mother nodded meekly and did as Mrs. Fiala asked; trudging down
the hall, her shoulders slumped.
"Let’s sit down, Cassie."
Cassie turned back to Mrs. Fiala; it was never good when you had to sit
down to hear something. In her limited experience, it was always bad.
Mrs. Fiala took off her coat, folding it over a chair and then sat down
next to her on the sofa. "Cassie, your Mom told you that Daniel has
been very ill?"
Cassie tensed slightly and nodded. "Yeah, Mom told me he’d been injured
on a mission."
"Honey," Mrs. Fiala reached out and took a hold of her suddenly cold
hands. "Daniel’s injuries were so severe that he died this afternoon.
There wasn’t anything we could to save him."
Cassie took a deep breath, Daniel was dead? She took another deep
breath, feeling sad that Daniel had died but at the same time relieved that
nothing was wrong with Janet. "Oh, poor Mom!" she murmured, feeling
tears form as she suddenly realized how her mother must be feeling. "She
and Daniel were getting really close." Cassie sniffed a bit and Mrs.
Fiala released her hands, giving her a tissue. Cassie dabbed at her eyes,
looking into the kind and understanding face across from her. "She must
feel just awful!"
Mrs. Fiala nodded. "She’s pretty broken up over it."
Cassie sat quietly, trying to absorb the news. Daniel was dead. She
sighed, she had liked Daniel. He had always talked to her like an adult
and had seemed genuinely interested in her and her activities. And Janet,
she had really liked Daniel. Cassie sighed again.
"Cass?"
She focussed back on Mrs. Fiala. "Your Mom is going to need you to be
strong and take care of her tonight, all right?"
Cassie didn’t understand what the older woman meant at first, but then
she realized what Mrs. Fiala meant. Cassie straightened her shoulders,
filled with purpose. "I’ll take care of her."
Mrs. Fiala gave her an encouraging smile, patting her shoulder. "I know
you will." Mrs. Fiala stood then, reaching for her coat. "Call me if
you need anything," she instructed as she put on her coat. "Okay?"
Cassie jumped up and followed her friend’s mother to the door. "Yes
ma’am, I will." Cassie closed the door behind Mrs. Fiala, and then just
stood there for a moment, staring unseeing into the room. She could still
hardly believe Daniel was dead! He’d been over for dinner just a few
weeks ago, she hadn’t stayed as she’d had a date with Dominic, but they
had chatted for a few minutes. That was one thing she’d always liked
about Daniel, he took time to talk to her, even if it was only briefly. As
for Janet...she looked down the hall towards the closed door of the
bedroom. Janet had been like she’d never seen her, light-hearted and
happy, not always so enmeshed in her work and research. Daniel had been good
for her, and now? Cassie sighed, she was no stranger to death, having
seen way too much of it in her young life. And, well, life went on—she
just had to help her Mom get to the point where she could see that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mom? May I come in?""
Janet rolled over and then slowly sat up, wiping her eyes and blowing
her nose. She had managed to change into sweats, but that small effort
had totally drained her and she’d collapsed in tears on the bed.
But...her daughter was at her door. Taking a deep breath, she called out,
"Sure honey, come on in."
The door partially opened, and Cassie’s unsmiling face peered in, what
she saw must have encouraged her as she pushed the door open further
and then disappeared with an, "I’ll be right back."
Janet sat listlessly on the side of the bed, waiting for Cassie to
return. Her earlier tears had given way to a deep feeling of despair. She
had loved Daniel, maybe not in the ‘happily ever after’ sense, but her
feelings—and maybe his feelings—had been well on their way to something,
that she had hoped, would be permanent. And now? There was nothing now,
only a big, huge, gaping Daniel-sized hole in her heart.
There was a thud, and then the door to her bedroom swung open the rest
of the way and Cassie waltzed in, carrying a tray. "I made you some
chicken noodle soup," she said, her expression hesitant.
Janet looked from the tray where a steaming bowl of soup, a small pile
of crackers, a cup of tea, napkin, utensils and a tiny bud vase with a
silk rose in it, up to Cassie’s hopeful face. She couldn’t help but
smile and she sat back on the bed, letting Cassie place the tray over her
lap. Taking the napkin, she said, "This looks great, honey." She wasn’t
really hungry, but she would at least make the effort, for Cassie.
Cassie smiled, and Janet patted the bed next to her. "Keep me company
for awhile?" Her daughter’s smile broke into what could only be
described as a relieved grin, and Cassie quickly went to the other side of the
bed and crawled onto the bed, bunching the pillows up behind her back
and settling down close to her side. Janet picked up the spoon, taking a
taste of the soup.
"I’m so sorry, Mom, about Daniel."
Janet took a deep breath, setting the spoon down. "I know you are,
honey."
"He was really nice."
"Yeah, he was." Janet winced inside, ‘he was’, and Daniel’s death was
still too fresh and new for her to even begin being comfortable with
referring to him in the past tense. Janet took another spoonful of the
soup, forcing it down. This wasn’t going to work, she realized. "I’m
sorry, honey," she turned to Cassie. "I’m just not really hungry."
"That’s okay, Mom," the girl replied, picking up the tray and leaning
over the side of the bed, somehow managed to set it down on the floor
with out spilling anything. Cassie scooted closer to her and Janet held
her arm up, allowing Cassie to curl up at her side, her head resting on
Janet’s shoulder. "Tell me about the first time you met Daniel."
"The first time I met him?" Janet's brow creased in concentration. "Oh,
yeah, it was when almost everyone in the base got infected with that
alien virus." A faint smile flickered on Janet's face as she remembered.
"It was a few months before SG1 found you and I'd only been in Cheyenne
Mountain about a week. I guess you'd call it a baptism of fire...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
//"Doctor Fraiser, I've given Captain Carter a dose of sedative."
"Good. Has it taken effect yet?"
"Yes. Should I take her to a holding cell?"
"Please." Janet rubbed her hand across her face in frustration. She'd
only been on the base a few days and already she was being pushed beyond
anything she'd ever experienced. Glancing round her overcrowded
infirmary, she decided she needed a cup of coffee. Perhaps that would help her
think more clearly and she'd be able to help these people rather than
just sedating them.
She moved wearily across the room and helped herself to a drink. "Do
you dink I could have one of dose?" said an unfamiliar and rather muffled
voice. Janet swung round and came face to face with a tall,
bespectacled man with long hair, clutching a bloody handkerchief to his face.
The Doctor eyed him warily. She'd had too many violent patients today
to take anyone on face value. "Let me have a look at that first," she
said, gesturing towards his nose.
He reluctantly removed the handkerchief and sat down on a nearby chair,
muttering, "I'm sure you've got more serious cases to attend to than
me."
"Shall we let me be the judge of that? Could you take off your
glasses?" she asked. When he obliged, she was struck instantly how incredibly
blue his eyes were. She gently examined his nose. "How did you do this
anyway? Walk into a door?"
"No. Jack hit me."
Janet frowned. She didn't know many personnel yet, but the name 'Jack'
certainly rang a bell. But surely someone of that rank wouldn't....
particularly to someone who looked as inoffensive as this man. "Do you
mean Colonel O'Neill?"
Her patient nodded. "All I said was that I was going to see how Sam was
and he went completely nuts, like I had no right to visit a friend."
"He hit you?" The Doctor's mind raced. It sounded like the Colonel had
the virus too. She ought to get him to the infirmary before he hurt
anyone else. "Where did he go?"
"I have no idea. I was on the floor at the time." He shrugged. "He's
had all the training. I didn't stand a chance...."
"Wait here a minute." Janet went to the nearest phone and called
security, asking them to bring Colonel O'Neill to the infirmary. "And be
careful... I think he could be dangerous," she added as an afterthought,
before returning the phone to its cradle.
"You think he *could* be dangerous?" said her patient, raising an
eyebrow, then gingerly prodding his nose with his index finger. "Is it
broken?"
"No, just badly bruised. I'll give you a painkiller."
He smiled. "Thanks, Doctor.... I'm sorry, I don't know your name."
"Janet Fraiser."
"I'm Daniel Jackson... from SG1."
She smiled. "Pleased to meet you."//
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So why did Jack hit Daniel?" asked Cassie. "I know he sometimes thinks
he's annoying, but Daniel must have done something pretty awful to make
Jack do that."
"The Colonel thought Daniel wanted to be more than friends with Sam. He
got jealous and very possessive. It was the virus - it made everyone
turn into primitive humans."
"But you cured everyone?"
"Eventually I worked out how to reverse the effects. The Colonel helped
with that. He let me use him as a guinea pig." A ghost of a smile
crossed her face. "Daniel had an amazing bruise, it went every color
imaginable."
"After that the two of you became friends?"
"I guess so... it took a while, but I slowly got to know him."
Cassie grinned. "And you liked what you saw?"
"Not in that way, not for a long time." Janet wiped a tear from her
eye. "I wish I had... I wish we'd had longer... then perhaps he wouldn't
have..."
Cassie gave her a hug. "Why don't you tell me about when you first
started to see Daniel 'in that way'?"
Janet was quiet for a long moment. When had their friendship changed
into something more?
"So when, Mom?"
"Give me a moment, honey. I’m thinking." Janet sat up a bit more on the
pillows. "Is that tea still over there?"
"Let me get it." Cassie scooted to the far edge of the bed and
retrieved the mug of tea. "It’s cold," Cassie said with a grimace.
Janet took the cup from her. "Doesn’t matter." Janet took a sip, Earl
Grey, and then she remembered when everything had changed. She slowly
smiled, it had been in Egypt, and she’d been drinking the same tea with
Daniel and Sam at their hotel in Cairo. They’d had thirty-six hours in
Cairo, waiting until Steven Raynor’s condition stabilized enough for him
to be transported back to the States, and Daniel had given her and Sam
a whirlwind tour of the bustling metropolis.
//"I’m exhausted!" Janet finally complained, plopping herself and her
packages down on a settee in the lobby of the small hotel where they
were staying.
Sam laughed, sitting down in an over-stuffed chair next to the settee.
"Come on, Janet! You were the one who wanted to go through all the
stalls at the bazaar."
Daniel chuckled and walked over to the front desk and spoke with the
clerk for a moment. Janet studied him with her doctor’s eye as he walked
back over to them. He still looked a little pale, but other than that,
he seemed to have recovered from the effects of Osiris’ hand device.
And, he’d certainly been at top form today, taking them to the museum and
then shopping. And finding this hotel—quiet, quaint and very luxurious.
She sighed, if one had to be stuck in Cairo for a day, it was nice that
they had been stuck with someone who was practically a native! Janet
scooted over as Daniel sat down next to her.
"I ordered tea and some ‘light refreshments’," he grinned. "We’ll need
something to tide us over until our dinner reservations at 8:30."
Janet groaned and Sam chuckled again. "You’ll have
time for a nap, Jan."
"Well, if this dinner really does have eight courses, I’ll need a nap
just to make it to dessert!"
Daniel merely smiled at her, his blue eyes twinkling. "You said you
wanted to experience as much of Cairo as you could in the time we had!"
"I’m not complaining, really!" she quickly
reassured him. "It’s been great!"
Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a waiter rolling
what looked to be a fully loaded tea trolley towards them, and within
minutes the three of them were drinking Earl Grey tea and eating
delicious finger sandwiches and petit fours. Feeling surprisingly content,
Janet sat curled up in her corner of the settee and watched as Sam and
Daniel squabbled good-naturedly over who would get the last petit four. Sam
was the most relaxed Janet had seen her in a very long time, and
Daniel, well...he just seemed so different. She hadn’t realized how much of
her view of him was colored by the very insular world in which they both
worked. Out here, in the ‘real’ world, she was being introduced to a
whole new aspect of his personality. And, she liked him, she realized,
really liked him. Taking a quick sip of her tea to cover the
self-consciousness she felt with her unexpected insight, Janet found herself
looking at Daniel from a radically altered viewpoint and wondered what on
earth she was going to do about it.//
"Mom? Are you okay?"
Janet was roused from her bittersweet memory by the sound of Cassie’s
worried voice. Setting the almost empty mug of tea on the nightstand,
she laid back against the pillows, putting her arm around Cassie. "I’m
fine honey, I was just remembering the moment when I first looked at
Daniel ‘differently’."
"So, when was it?"
"Remember about a year ago? When I had to leave on that business trip
to Cairo all of a sudden?" Janet felt Cassie’s head nod in the
affirmative against her shoulder. "Well, Sam and Daniel were sent with me on
that trip, and it was while we were in Cairo that I unexpectedly realized
that I liked Daniel—a lot." Janet chuckled quietly, "And wanted to get
to know him better."
"But Mom," Cassie sat up, her eyes full of confusion and mild
disbelief. "That was *months* before your first date!"
Janet smiled wistfully. "Yes, it was. He never gave me any indication
that he felt like that about me, so I let it lie. Thinking back now, I
wish I hadn’t but I guess I was scared I might lose our friendship if I
tried to push him further than he wanted to go."
"So what happened?" Cassie asked, and Janet wondered—not the first
time—how teenagers managed to get just that specific tone in their voice
that wasn’t quite a whine but still conveyed both pleading and
impatience!
"Well," Janet placed an arm back around Cassie as she girl sat back
down next to her, "when Nirti made you sick, he was real nice to me. One
day when I was frightened out of my mind that you were going to die, he
stopped me in the corridor, grabbed my hand and asked if there was
anything he could do. I was so frightened at the time, I didn’t think too
much about what he’d done but when you were on the road to recovery I
found myself...." Janet hesitated, starting to feel self-conscious as she
blushed, knowing Cassie’s sharp eyes wouldn’t miss the telltale show of
color. "You’re going to think this is real silly, Cassie," she added,
glancing down at her daughter.
"I save the ticket stubs every time Dominic and I go to the movies.
They all look exactly the same, but it’s a reminder of him. So I’m sure I
won’t think it’s silly, whatever it is."
"Oh, you will..." Janet grinned. "I found myself staring at the hand
he’d grabbed that day in the corridor and reliving the moment he’d
touched me, trying to remember every last little detail of what he’d said and
done."
"Ah, Mom! I don’t think that’s silly, I think that’s sweet."
Janet smiled indulgently at Cassie. "And I was beginning to think that
perhaps he was starting to think about me like that. Since that day in
the corridor, I’d caught a few looks and smiles that to me looked a
touch more than friendly, if you know what I mean."
"Mom!"
"You’re shocked, aren’t you?"
"Well, kind of, I guess...I thought you were too old for that kind of
thing."
"You’re *never* too old for that kind of thing, Cassie."
"So, what happened?"
"When you were given a clean bill of health, I invited Daniel round
here for dinner."
"You made the first move? Way to go, Mom!" Cassie’s brow creased in
concentration. "I remember that night! That was your first date?"
"I always thought of it as our first date. We weren’t together because
of work and we were alone... if you remember, you’d gone to Jennifer’s
for the evening.... So, yes, I guess it was our first date."
Cassie smirked, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Did he kiss you?"
"No, we got interrupted." Janet looked wistful and wiped a tear from
her eye at the memory.
//"Well, I’d better go. We’ve both got to be at the base early
tomorrow." Daniel stood up and pulled on his jacket. "Thanks for dinner, it was
great." He walked slowly towards the front door, Janet trailing behind
him, not wanting the evening to end. She couldn’t remember the last
time she’d enjoyed herself so much. Daniel had been wonderful company, he
genuinely seemed interested in her and every now and again she’d caught
those stunning blue eyes looking at her in a way that suggested bed
rather than breakfast.
"Thanks for coming, it’s been fun." Janet hesitated. "And thanks again
for being there when Cassie was sick. I really appreciated it."
He murmured, "You’re welcome," then turned to face her as they reached
the door. He smiled gently down at her. "If you’re free, perhaps I
could take you out to dinner one night?" he asked quietly. "If you want to,
that is. You can say no, if you want. I won’t mind, but I’d like you
to. Please. No obligation.... Oh god, I’m babbling aren’t I?"
"Yes, and yes," laughed Janet, then she became serious as Daniel gently
caressed her cheek and slowly leant in....
The back door slammed. "Mom, I’m home!"
Daniel smiled and pulled away from Janet, reluctantly letting his hand
drop to his side. "I’ll see you at the base tomorrow... and we’ll
finish what we started some other time."//
"You got interrupted?" Cassie’s eyes went wide at the memory. "I
remember getting home just as he was leaving... oh Mom, I’m sorry!"
"You weren’t to know, and I wasn’t about to tell you at the time. But
he did kiss me on our next date....
"So, tell me Mom!" Cassie’s voice took on that wheedling tone that
teen-agers seem to perfect early on, "You know about my first kiss."
Janet smiled at the memory of her and Daniel’s first kiss. "It was just
a kiss, hon," she finally told her daughter. "The evening we went to
The Nutcracker, when the San Francisco ballet was in town."
"I don’t remember that."
"It was the same weekend you went skiing with the Fiala’s at Crested
Butte."
"Mom!" Cassie rolled her eyes. "That was, like, two months after your
first date!"
"I know honey, but what with SG-1 being off-world so much of the time,
we really didn’t have another official date until then."
"But, you still saw him, right?"
"We would try and meet for lunch, dinner, or even breakfast whenever we
were both on base and depending on our schedules." Janet sighed, it
hadn’t been much of a way to pursue a relationship, but then she had
thought they had plenty of time. She could feel the tears starting to form
again, she had thought they had all the time in the world.
"Ah, Mom," Cassie hugged her, "I’m sorry."
Janet sniffed, hugging her daughter tight. "It’s okay honey, really. It
helps, to remember the good times we had." They held each other quietly
for a few minutes, while Janet tried to pull her emotions back under
control. Finally feeling somewhat more pulled together; Janet released
Cassie and sat back, blowing her nose. Cassie’s eyes were a little moist
too, Janet noted. "Here kiddo," she passed the tissue box to her
daughter.
"Thanks, Mom," she muttered, pulling a tissue out.
Janet set the box back on the bedside stand, noting it was 2100
already. Where had the evening gone? "Cassie..." she started to speak, only to
be interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Now who could that
be, she wondered?
Cassie scooted rapidly off the foot of the bed, "I’ll get that, it’s
Dominic. I forgot to call him and cancel our date for tonight."
Janet studied her daughter’s earnest young face, so determined to help
her mother. She wondered what exactly Liz had said to her to inspire
such devotion? As much as she appreciated having the company, Janet knew
that her daughter could use some time talking about her feelings with
someone she cared about—like Dominic. "It’s okay, Cassie. Go out with
Dominic and have some fun." Janet smiled as her daughter’s face took on a
hopeful look.
"Are you sure?" she asked, even as she started backing away from the
bed.
"I’m sure!" The doorbell sounded again.
"Thanks, Mom!" Cassie told her as she darted towards the bedroom door.
"Just be home by 11:30!" she called to Cassie’s back.
The teen-ager stuck her head back in the doorway. "It’s Friday night,
Mom! Curfew is 12:30! See you later!"
Janet sighed, Friday already? Where had the week gone? And then the
memories washed afresh over her, the week had gone into Daniel’s death.
She heard the front door slam and she was alone in the house. Alone...she
had just gotten kind of used to the idea of not being alone and being
with Daniel, and now...he was gone and she was once more alone. Janet
slumped back down on the bed and curled up in a little ball, tugging the
edge of the comforter over her. She closed her eyes, though she knew
sleep would be a long time in coming. She let out a heavy sigh. It had
been good, she reflected sadly, to remember the good times with Daniel,
all the ‘firsts’ in their relationship. Their first date, their first
kiss, the first time he held her in his arms all night after making love,
the first—and last time—he’d told her he loved her. Her breath caught
on a ragged sob, if he loved her, how could he have left her? She had
always known he had a dangerous job, always known he could die on a
mission, their first night together was proof of that....
//Daniel had come to her in the infirmary and she'd instantly known
there was something wrong. He'd tried to force a smile as he approached,
but she could tell he was desperately tense about something. "What's
wrong?" she asked, her stomach lurching, "SG-1?"
He shook his head and the smile developed into something more genuine.
"They're fine. I'm... I'm... going on a mission. They need a human who
can speak fluent Goa'uld... so they asked me if I'd go..." Janet stared
at him, the dread taking hold of her. "It's... dangerous..." He licked
his lips and stared at the floor.
Janet filled in the words he didn't say. "So dangerous, you might not
come back?" He nodded, unable to meet her eyes. "Can't you say no?" she
pleaded, "They can't order you, you're a civilian." Panic began to take
hold of her.
"I want to do it, Janet. This mission could seriously weaken, if not
destroy, the System Lords. I have to go." There was determination in his
eyes, a steely glint Janet hadn't seen before. He took her hand in his
and said quietly, "Are you doing anything tonight? Would you like to
come to my place for dinner? I think... I... I'd prefer not to be alone."
He lifted his head, exposing his clear blue eyes to her scrutiny. She
saw fear and determination, and something else... love perhaps. He'd
never said the words, they'd never gone beyond a goodnight kiss, but
somehow Janet knew that tonight their relationship was going to move to
another level.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Thanks, that was great!" Janet said, pushing her chair back from the
table.
Daniel grinned. "Yeah. I order a mean take-out!" He paused and licked
his lips. "Shall we get more comfortable?" He gestured through into the
living room.
Janet nodded and followed him through into the other room. "So, I guess
you can't tell me where you're going tomorrow?" she said as she sat
down on the sofa. He shook his head as he sat down next to her and
instantly put his arm over her shoulders and pulled her to him. Janet sighed
deeply. Being held close by Daniel always made her feel like she'd come
home, that nothing could touch her. "I could stay like this forever,"
she whispered; as she listened to the sound of his heartbeat under her
ear and felt his hand gently stroking her hair.
He stopped stroking and softly kissed the top of her head. "Janet?"
"Mmm...."
"You're very special to me, Janet."
She pulled back a little from his embrace, so she could see his face.
Still no words of love but the look in his eyes was enough for now. She
kissed him gently on the cheek, his skin slightly rough to her touch,
then whispered, "You're very special to me, too." Was what she felt
love? She wasn't sure, yet. Perhaps that was the proof that it wasn't, but
she knew she cared a lot more about him each time they spent time
together. Janet was sure it would only be a matter of time...
He slowly leant towards her and brushed her lips with his. "I want to
make love to you."
She kissed him softly. "I'd like that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Their lovemaking had been gentle and loving but when it was over and
she was lying in Daniel's arms, Janet had felt the tears begin to trickle
down her cheeks as fear that this would be their only night together
took hold of her. Her lover had drifted off to sleep, his breathing deep
and regular, as she lay awake trying to memorize every detail of the
previous few hours.//
It hadn’t been their last time together, though they had only had a
scant few months together as lovers before his final mission. She had even
been contemplating suggesting a change in their living arrangements,
and then he had gone to Kelona. Janet reached out and shut off the
bedside lamp and crawled under the covers, still dressed in her sweats. She
just didn’t have the energy to change into her pajamas. Rolling onto her
back, she stared up at the ceiling in the dark room. As soon as Sam had
told her the amount of radiation Daniel had been exposed to, she knew
was already a dead man. His reaction to the news was everything she had
expected, no ranting or raving, just a calm acceptance. Ever mindful of
their surroundings, she had just held his hand, trying to convey all
her love and care through her touch. Later, when his injury had
progressed...
//It hurt her so much to see him like this, the radiation poisoning
slowly killing his cells, his skin already starting to slough and necrose.
Liz had gathered the necessary supplies and was going to start
bandaging the more severe areas, when Janet interrupted her. "I’ll take care of
this, Liz."
The other woman had looked at her for a long moment, her eyes full of
compassion and understanding. "Call me if you need anything." Janet
nodded, and then Liz left her alone with Daniel.
"Hey," she slowly approached the bed, carrying the
tray of supplies.
He looked at her through his now swollen eyes, his beautiful face
covered with sores. He’d smiled at her, even though she knew it had to hurt.
"Hey," he whispered back.
She set the tray down, and turned to him. Reaching out, she gently
touched his shoulder, longing to caress his face, to kiss him, but knowing
she shouldn’t. "We need to bandage the worst of these burns, Daniel. It
will be more comfortable for you." He nodded at her, and she prepared
the salve and dressings, pulling on a pair of gloves. Carefully picking
up his severely burned right hand she gently smoothed the white cream
on it. "I’ll be as gently as I can," she murmured.
"You could never hurt me, Janet." His face creased momentarily in pain
as she started wrapping his hand, but then it cleared. She kept her
head bowed then, concentrating on her task, but she was acutely aware of
his eyes on her. She finished with one roll of the gauze and reached for
another one, when he touched her arm with his left hand. "Thank you,"
he told her huskily.
Janet bit back a sob at his words. "Oh Daniel," she whispered, gazing
helplessly at him. "What can you possibly thank me for?" She dropped the
gauze and quickly stripped of her gloves, tenderly cradling his left
hand with hers. Gazing intently at his beloved face she murmured, "I
haven’t been able to do anything to save you!"
His lips curved in a parody of his usual bright
smile. "Not your fault," he told her.
She did break down then, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. "Hey,"
he whispered, and reached up with his freshly bandaged hand, awkwardly
brushing at her tears. "I made a decision," he chuckled, then coughed.
She released his hand and quickly wiped at the bloody froth that
appeared on his lips. He moaned and lay back on the bed, his breathing harsh
and ragged for a few minutes. "Maybe not the greatest decision, but the
best one at the time," he finally managed to wheeze.
"I know," she whispered tenderly, her voice only shaking slightly. He
seemed to drift into a light sleep then, so Janet continued with her
task, dressing his other hand and arm. His face and chest would have to be
next, but she wanted to let him rest for awhile before doing that. She
set his arm down and carefully smoothed the bedclothes back down. She
pulled off her gloves, gathering her leftover supplies together. She
turned to leave when she felt his hand on her arm.
"Janet?" He was awake and looking at her, his beautiful blue eyes
starting to look slightly glazed..
"Shh..." she murmured, "try and get some rest." His hand tightened
briefly on her arm.
"No, wait. There’s something I need to tell you." His eyes closed, and
he took a deep breath, then opened his eyes again, his gaze now clear
and direct. "I should have told you this a long time ago, but better
late than never, eh?"
She was confused, "What, Daniel?"
"I love you."
She felt the tears start to form again. Setting her tray down, she
carefully rested a hand on his chest and leaning down and kissed his right
temple, the only area with enough intact skin left. Drawing back, she
gazed lovingly at him, letting all the love and desire she felt for him
shine through her tear-stained eyes. "And I love you." He smiled; his
brilliant blue eyes briefly lighting up with that look of total desire
that always turned her knees to mush, before they fluttered shut on a
soft moan. "Get some rest," she told him.
"Don’t go," he muttered.
How could she refuse him? She loved him, and would do anything for him,
even take his place if she could. Looking around, she spotted a stool,
and pulled it over to his bed. Lowering the side rail, she sat down and
resting her hand on his bandaged arm. "I won’t leave you."//
And she hadn’t, she thought sleepily, the long days and nights finally
starting to catch up with her; she had stayed with him right until the
end. Grabbing the second pillow, she curled up on her side, hugging it
tight, eventually drifting into a restless sleep.
//She stood in the infirmary, at least she thought it was the
infirmary, but it was different somehow. She looked at the empty bed in the
middle of the room. The place was deserted and silent as the grave. Janet
shuddered; her involuntary use of the expression suddenly reminding her
why the bed was empty...and of the man whose body had lain on there.
The room grew strangely still, the ambient light seemed to dim and then
the entire room was bathed in an ethereal glow.
"Janet?"
She swung round at the sound of the familiar voice and found herself
face to face with Daniel - a strong, healthy and back-lit Daniel -
smiling gently at her. "But you're...." she hesitated, unwilling to speak the
words.
"Dead?" he suggested, the smile momentarily broadening a little, his
eyes shining with tenderness. "In the way your machines register, yes, I
guess I am, but you saw what happened, Janet, I've been given a
tremendous opportunity to experience stuff no-one else has seen or done."
"By ascending... and leaving me...." As soon as the words were out of
her mouth, she realised how petulant and childish she sounded.
"It was the only way," he said quietly, his whole demeanor calm and
accepting, not at all irritated at her outburst.
"No," she protested, "Jacob was healing you! But then the Colonel told
him to stop..." She felt her anger at O'Neill resurfacing.
"Because I told him to stop. Don't be angry with Jack. Jacob couldn't
have healed me completely. I would have been...." he paused, as if
searching for the right words. "...I wouldn't have been me any more... I
wouldn't have been able to...." He stopped, then gazed into her eyes. "I
wouldn't have been the man you were in love with."
"I would have looked after you...." As soon as she had spoken, she knew
deep down just how much Daniel would have hated that.
He took a couple of steps towards her, gently shaking his head, the
light following him. "That wouldn't have been ‘us’, would it, Janet? I'd
have been your patient, not your lover. You deserve a man who can love
you physically as well as mentally, someone who isn't reliant on you for
everything. " He paused, a smile flashing briefly across his face. "And
anyway, can you imagine how grouchy I'd have gotten?"
She nodded, sadly acknowledging the truth of his words. Closing the gap
between them, she tentatively held out her hand towards him. "Can
I...." She licked her lips nervously. "Can I touch you?"
"Yeah, I think so.... I'm kind of new at this myself, so don't get
freaked if your hand goes straight through me or something." He held his
hand out to her.
Despite the circumstances, Janet smiled and, reaching out, touched
Daniel's outstretched hand with hers. "You feel normal," she said with
relief. "Warm and soft...."
Daniel pulled her gently to him and gazed down into her eyes. He
brushed a strand of hair away from her forehead and whispered, "Have a good
life, my darling. Find someone who cares about you, who can love you the
way you deserve. Move on."
As his lips brushed hers, Janet felt tears trickling down her cheeks.
"Will I ever see you again?" she blurted out.
"I don't know. I'll be around, I think." He spun round suddenly and
looked over his shoulder. A woman dressed in white stood in the infirmary
doorway. "Oma says we have to leave now. I just wanted you to know I
was all right, that it was my choice."
Janet nodded, unable to speak. He kissed her on the lips and stepped
back, out of her reach. "Good bye, Janet," he said quietly. "I love you."
The glow brightened and Daniel disappeared in a burst of shimmering
light. Glancing round, Janet realized that the woman had vanished as well.
"I love you too," she whispered into the now dark and empty room.//
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janet woke slowly, her thoughts in disarray. Daniel had been with her,
talking to her, explaining to her..... It had to have been a dream, yet
it seemed so real. *He* had seemed so real...and yet no matter how much
she wanted it to have been Daniel, it couldn’t have been him. Rubbing
her eyes, she realized in dismay that her face was damp, she’d been
crying in her sleep. Sitting up slowly, she fumbled around for the tissue
box, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. The illuminated dial on her
beside clock read 5:18. Really too early to get up on a Saturday, but
there was little point in staying in bed.
Leaving the bedroom, Janet shuffled down the dimly lit hallway, pausing
outside of Cassie's bedroom door. Opening the door slightly, she peered
in and could just make out the shape of her daughter, asleep in the
bed, the radio playing softly in the room. She felt tears forming in her
eyes again as she looked at the sleeping girl. In spite of everything
that had happened, she was still so fortunate in so many ways. Wiping
impatiently at the tears, she quietly closed the door and continued to the
kitchen. Turning on the light over the sink, she plugged in the
electric kettle, efficiently brewing her morning cup of tea. Opening the
cupboard, she picked up the tin of Earl Grey, smiling softly as she recalled
the many mornings she had drank the strong tea while Daniel drank his
equally strong coffee. She took a deep breath, endeavoring to keep her
still fragile emotions under control. What she wouldn’t give for just
one more morning with him! The kettle whistled, breaking into her gloomy
thoughts, and she quickly unplugged it and poured the boiling water
into the mug. Steeping the tea until it was good and strong, she added
some half-and-half and just smidgen of sugar. She took a cautious sip of
the hot liquid, wandering over to the large bay window in the breakfast
nook. The first light of dawn was just beginning to show over the hills
surrounding her house, the first few chirps of the waking birds
sounding in the otherwise still of the morning. Suddenly feeling the need for
some fresh air, Janet crossed quickly to the back door, slipping on the
clogs she kept there.
Stepping out onto the back porch, she took a deep breath of the clear,
crisp air. Jack the dog had come running out of his doghouse when she’d
opened the door, dancing excitedly around her for a few moments.
Smiling faintly, she scratched his ears, satisfying his need for affection.
She took a deep breath, the cool morning air felt wonderful after the
long days cooped up in the mountain. The mountain, Janet shivered,
thinking of her last few incredibly painful days there. She knew it would be
a long time before *everything* stopped reminding her of Daniel.
Sitting down on the glider, she took another sip of her tea, helpless to stop
the memories of the times she and Daniel had sat there together, not
doing anything special—just talking and laughing—and being together.
Setting her mug down on the little end table, she felt grief once more
overwhelming her and put her head down in hands, sobbing quietly. How could
she get through this? How could she go on without him? In such a short
time he'd come to mean so much to her.
Jack whined softly, as if sensing her distress and burrowed his head in
her lap, offering his doggy comfort. She rubbed his head, wiping at her
eyes with her sodden tissue. He suddenly looked up; his ears twitching
and she heard the neighbor’s dog start to bark. Jack’s ruff suddenly
bristled and Janet felt an unexpected chill as a light breeze suddenly
rippled around the back porch. Jack barked sharply, and then the
strangest thing happened.
//"You'll be fine," the wind seemed to whisper to her.
She shook her head; sure she was losing her mind but responding anyway.
"I can't.... I just can't...."
"You're the strongest woman I know," Daniel’s voice caressed her as the
wind ruffled through her hair. "You'll be fine."//
Jack’s cold nose in her face brought Janet back to reality with a jerk.
The mysterious breeze had disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared
and Janet absently rubbed the dog’s head, trying to make sense of what
had just transpired. Could her dream actually have been true and not some
product of her grief-stricken unconscious mind? Since her arrival at
the SGC she had witnessed much that was unexplainable, and if Daniel had
truly ascended.... Jack barked again, and this time a stronger gust
blew around the porch and Janet was sure she heard Daniel’s quiet laugh in
the rustling of the aspen leaves. Smiling through her tears, she
realized with time she would be okay and whispered softly, "Thank you, my
love."
THE END
Copyright © M. Susan Corkill & Wendy Parkinson, May 2002
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