Helpless
by Nike
E-MAIL: nikejohnston@yahoo.co.uk
STATUS: Complete
RATING: PG-13, for a little light swearing and some
preliminary D/J action. *g*
SEASON: Post-FiaD, Sequel to Hopeless
SPOILERS: None
CATEGORY: Daniel&Janet, mostly Janet POV, Songfic
SUMMARY: Crossed-wires at dawn: Janet’s take on the
events of ‘Hopeless.’ :)
DISCLAIMER: "All publicly recognisable characters and
places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. Lyrics contained within
this piece of fiction are the property of Jessica Andrew. This piece of fan fiction was created for
entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.
Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any
similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. "
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Dedication: To everyone who’s sent me feedback for my past couple of fics. You guys rock! ;) And a special mention to Melissa, who managed to guess I was
planning Janet POV sequel! Get some of them Janet fics done, girl!
Major thankies to Bryn for the beta!
[] denotes someone on the telephone.
######
I can stand with the weight of the world on my
shoulders
I can fight with the toughest of the tough
I can laugh in the face of all my insecurities
Anytime, Anywhere, Anything
I'm strong enough, but…
But when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenceless
Baby it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly falling in love
#######
I moan as my back connects with my bedroom door,
reaching behind me with my free hand to fumble for the
doorknob, while the other caresses the neck of the man
in front of me, drawing him closer as his hands slide
gently from my waist to my hips and back again.
Smiling slowly against my lips he manages to help me
release the handle and we trip backwards into the
bedroom, clinging tightly to each other to steady
ourselves.
I sigh again, opening my mouth beneath his to let him
kiss me deeply, hypnotically, as my fingers travel
over the soft cloth of his shirt, seeking to unfasten
the buttons keeping it infuriatingly in place. He
drops soft, searching lips to my neck, reaching behind
me to pull me firmly to him, one hand brushing my skin
under the edges of my thin t-shirt, and I shudder,
eliciting a pleased growl in response. Working our way
unsteadily towards the bed, I let him push me gently
onto the yielding surface of the mattress, his body
pinning me deliciously down, and I writhe willingly
beneath him, finally divesting him of his coverings.
Drawing my hands teasingly up the warm planes of his
back and shoulders, I return his kisses with growing
excitement and impatience, and he wastes little time
is deftly pulling my own shirt over my head, his mouth
dipping low to leave a moist trail of caresses over my
jaw, neck, shoulders, to my abdomen as his fingers
begin work on the fastenings of my jeans. Groaning in
growing, gratifying frustration I fling my arms
dizzily over my face to hide my flushed cheeks and
euphoric smile, silently offering up a prayer of
thanks to anyone who’ll listen that my daughter chose
*this* night to sleep over with her friends.
When my lips meet his again, my mind wanders fuzzily
back over the day’s events, the circumstances that led
him to my office, my door, and finally my bed. As his
hands tangle in my hair and I wrap myself
tantalizingly around him, I remember the painful scene
in the infirmary, and my own embarrassment and
crushing disappointment…
*~*~*
“Damn.”
I watched Daniel flee from my office, and sunk back
into my chair, head in hands. Idiot! I cursed myself.
It was just so unexpected, I mourned. Never in my
wildest dreams would I have imagined that one day the
object of so many of my secret fantasies and desires
would actually come all the way down here to invite me
out. I’d never even let myself hope that he felt
something for me, that he regarded me as anything more
than a doctor and maybe a friend, a casual shoulder to
cry on when he needed someone to confide in. I hadn’t
meant for him to be any more than a friend to me
either, but he was just so deep, so intelligent, so
warm and sweet and compassionate that I hadn’t been
able to stop myself from quietly falling
head-over-heels in love with him.
And I *was* in love with him. How many times had I
caught myself staring at him, thinking about him,
sneaking into his room when he was lying sleeping in
an infirmary bed to watch him resting there – hair
tousled, glasses removed, face serene and innocent -
before I was discovered by a nurse or passing intern
and had to pretend in a flustered fashion that I was
checking some monitor or another. I’m sure they knew.
I’m sure most of my staff knew, that most of the base
knew, that *everyone* must know. Everyone but him. He
never noticed, and, on the surface, nothing changed
between us, but inside I was helpless to stop my
ever-deepening feelings for him.
When he’d walked into my office that afternoon, I had
felt my body run through its usual cliché of reactions
– stomach flipped, heart raced, mouth dried – and
immediately I was as nervous and awkward as I had been
the first time I fell in love twenty years ago.
Practice allowed me to hide it though, and I’d offered
him smiles and teased him lightly, laughing in the
usual places when he seemed bemused or bewildered. I
barely noticed his newly-heightened edginess, his
discomfiture, in my own titanic efforts to conceal
mine, so when his invitation came out of the blue,
despite years of interpreting clumsy male signals, I’d
taken it straight away at face value: a polite inquiry
from a colleague.
“Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
My response, I think, will ever be etched into my
mind.
“Nothing, probably just finishing this.” I gestured
towards my paperwork. “Not that I mind, it’s the
first night in a while I’ve had the time to sit down
and get around to all this!” I laughed, automatically
making conversation, while I tried to avoid his
piercing gaze. Aiming for levity, I grinned cheekily.
“My suddenly hectic social life has been preventing
it, recently. I’ve been ‘out on the town’ almost every
night this week, with one thing or another.
Distractions, eh? Who needs them?” That, at least,
made it sound like I *had* a social life, I thought,
and my typically brazen delivery was just a plus.
There was no need for him to know that my
‘distractions’ had consisted of a parents’ meeting,
dinner at my brother’s, a medical conference, running
Cassandra to and fro nearly every night and coffee
with some of the other single mothers I knew from her
high school yesterday afternoon. Didn’t sound so
exciting that way. “I’ll be glad just to get this
finished and go home to bed!”
When I looked up at him, I was momentarily surprised
by his stricken expression, and it was then that the
whole weight of my monumental stupidity came crashing
down with a vengeance.
He’d asked me out. And I’d just as good as said, ‘No.’
The next few minutes were a blur as he made a hasty
exit, both of us stammering and blushing crimson. I
was already out of my seat to explain, to stop him, to
plead if need be, but short of physically grabbing
hold of him there was no way to prevent him leaving in
a whirl of mortification, and he was already gone.
Idiot! I cursed myself.
I’m not sure how long I sat there, face covered by my
hands, mind reeling as I kept my eyes squeezed tight
shut, as if I could wipe the whole incident out of
existence by not opening them to look out at my empty
office. I felt sick. I couldn’t bring myself to
believe anything that had just transpired. I couldn’t
have done that to myself, I just *couldn’t*. My
torturous reverie was finally interrupted by one of
the night-staff nurses coming on shift: the poor woman
must have been alarmed to find her normally
cool-and-composed C.M.O huddled in her office moaning
to herself. Amidst assurances that I was fine,
fighting the urge to burst into tears, I grabbed my
jacket and the rest of my unfinished paperwork and
escaped the base.
*~*~*
######
So let consequence do what it will to us, I don't care
Let the stars stand as witness to it all
Say the word and tonight I will follow you anywhere
I just can't pretend anymore
I'm too sturdy to fall…
######
[“And then what did he say?”]
I sighed, twisting the telephone cord between my
fingers as a lean against the kitchen wall. “He didn’t
say anything!” I wailed. “He just fled! He couldn’t
get out fast enough! I swear I’ve never seen anyone
look so…so…”
[“Embarrassed?”]
“Desperate to get away from me.” I concluded
miserably. “I feel like such an idiot!”
[“You *are* an idiot. I can’t believe you blew him off-”]
“I didn’t ‘blow him off’!” I protested. “I didn’t
realise what he was saying!”
[“What are you deaf? It’s *Daniel*, for cryin’ out
loud, what did you *think* he meant?”]
“You’re starting to sound like Jack,” I complained petulantly.
[“And?”]
I sighed again, more heavily this time. “I don’t know
what I’m gonna do.”
The voice at the other end of the phone snorted.
[“Pray that he’s brave enough to come to the infirmary
tomorrow so you can apologise and beg him for another
chance?”]
“You know, Sam was a lot more sympathetic at this!” I exclaimed.
[“Hey, I only called to say I was staying at Lisa’s,
*you* were the one who started complaining about your
tangled love life!”]
I smiled a little, nodding even though she couldn’t
see me. “OK, honey. I’ll let you go. I’ll see you
tomorrow.”
[“OK, Mom. And listen…relax, it’ll all come good in
the end. He’s too cute to just let go!”]
I laughed. “Good*bye*, Cassandra.” and heard her
answering farewell from the other end of the line
before she hung up. I stood there for a few moments
longer, half-tempted to call his lab and see if he’s
still there, but I don’t even know what I thought I’d
say. Sam told me to leave it, sit it out and wait,
that Daniel would eventually get over the initial
indignity of his first attempt and try again (“I’ll
tell him to be less subtle this time, shall I?” she’d
quipped cheerily, while I glared at her down the
phone) but I wasn’t so sure. Resignedly, I pushed
myself away from the wall and switched on the kettle,
gazing blankly at it as the steam rose and curled. I’d
been hanging around by the telephone most of the
evening, in the vain hope that he’d call. He has my
house number, my cell phone number, my pager…every
conceivable way to get in touch with me, but I
gloomily admitted to myself that he wouldn’t. Not
after today. The colour rose in my cheeks again, as it
does every time I think about the earlier debacle in
my office.
Making myself a cup of coffee, I rolled my eyes as I
heard a knock at the door. Lifting my cup, I made my
way slowly out into the hallway, resistant to any
visitors in my current drained, downcast mood. Opening
the door, I freeze momentarily, caught up in a turmoil
of conflicting emotions, wanting to smile, cry, laugh
with sheer relief, and doing none of those – just
stepping back silently and allowing him to speak
first.
“I was going to call,” he says quietly, “but in the
end, I thought maybe this was better. Are you busy?”
*~*~*
My eyes begin to drift shut as I lie here in the dark,
my arms wrapped tightly around the sleeping woman
beside me. I let my fingers trail lightly over her
damp skin, and she shifts, turning her head towards me
as her eyes flutter open for the briefest of moments
and she smiles, sweetly, contentedly, before sinking
back into the depths of slumber. I press a kiss to her
bare shoulder, bury my face in her tousled hair, and
close my eyes. Thinking back over today’s events I
laugh silently to myself, finally at peace with the
memory. After this afternoon I would never have
imagined that I would be here tonight, with her, but
now I can’t think of anywhere else I *could* be. All
the embarrassments of the day fade gradually as I
accept that everything that transpired has led me to
this, to awaken to the changes between us I never saw
coming ‘till today, to realise that we’ve fallen - she
and I - hopelessly, helplessly in love.
Still smiling, I slide slowly into sleep.
######
'Cause when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenceless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
falling in love
Well I am not afraid
I am not afraid, 'cause
When you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenceless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly falling...
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
falling.... in... love
######
*****
Finis
*****
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