End Game
by Devra
E-MAIL: paravati@optonline.net
STATUS: Work in Progress
CATEGORY: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Daniel/Janet
RATING: PG-13
SEASON: 5
SUMMARY: Daniel has to finish the game without Janet or his teammates at his side.
DISCLAIMERS: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
The Beginning
SG-2 had made initial contact with this technologically advanced planet over five months ago. The people of Nuzar had a recently discovered an abundant supply of naquadah and had technology advanced enough that both Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter were drooling. Even better, rumor had it that these people played well with others and as an added plus, there wasn't a Goa'uld in sight.
The governing council of the planet had visited SGC and met with various people from Senators all the way to the President. Numerous times SG teams and government officials had traveled to Nazur. While the governing council seemed to tolerate the United States officials, they were "infatuated" with Dr. Daniel Jackson. The Nuzarians spoke English, so it wasn't a language barrier it was just Daniel, his mannerisms, his curiosity, and his humanity. It was their attachment to Daniel that prompted the President to commission Daniel to continue working with the council to draw up a finalized agreement. The Nuzarians took it one step further; they were very vocal in their insistence to have only Dr. Jackson and their planet's representatives work on this agreement. Although Daniel had done this before, the magnitude of this agreement and the fact that he was shouldering this responsibility solo did not leave him any type of comfort zone. Daniel had a few choice words for this new job of his; however, his objections fell on deaf ears. So Daniel had lost, and had worked himself into a state of exhaustion to get to the step where they were at this moment...the final stages of acceptance. Everyone who had their hands in this pot and even those that had opposed the Stargate Project were breathing down General Hammond's neck to push this treaty through as fast as possible.
General Hammond looked at the rectangular table in his briefing room. You could barely make out the shined surface of the table, it was covered with papers and discarded coffee cups. Two of the council members were listening to Dr. Jackson's breakdown of the agreement. General Hammond looked at Dr. Jackson and sighed. The "kid" looked like he was about to keel over. The dark smudges under his eyes and the manner in which he rubbed them under his glasses were testament to Dr. Jackson's exhaustion. While the rest of the SGC and the US government were in a party mode, for the past weeks Daniel had been working night and day holed up in his office hammering out this agreement. If anyone deserved a vacation when it was over it was Daniel. General Hammond could only imagine when the last time the good doctor had a decent night's sleep or a full meal that didn't consist of coffee as the main course.
General Hammond was awoken from his reverie by the activity at the briefing table. The council members, Ular and Cial were standing shaking Daniel's hand. The two approached General Hammond with Daniel following.
It was agreed that the treaty would be brought back to Nuzar for presentation to the high council and SGC would be contacted in three weeks time regarding acceptance.
Daniel went back to the table and started to gather up his paperwork. Done...he was actually done with this treaty for three weeks time...it sounded good just saying the word. 'God he was tired', Daniel stretched and rubbed his eyes under his glasses. Dropping his paperwork back on the desk and flopping down in one of the rolling chairs that surrounded the desk, Daniel's thoughts were rambling and he jumped as someone touched his shoulder.
"Hi buddy" Jack said squeezing Daniel's shoulder. "What's going on?"
Daniel looked up at Jack through bleary eyes", Nothing", he said pulling himself into a standing position. "Just having a major pity party".
Jack gave Daniel a concerned look, "Why. The General has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face as he accompanied our two friends to the Stargate. And as far as I can tell you done good".
"Yeah, but I ran out of energy"...Daniel picked up a coffee cup and swallowed the last of the cold coffee. "and ran out of coffee".
"My treat..dinner, coffee. Whatta say", the older man placed his arm around Daniel's shoulders.
"Coffee, home, bed, sleep..." Daniel said stifling a yawn.
"Which home are you going to you little slut". Jack said laughing. Mine, yours, Kel-no-reem with Teal'c or Janet's. I wonder if Sam is starting to get jealous she seems to be left out of the loop."
Daniel gave Jack a sideways glance and snickered "How do you know what was going on when I stayed overnight at the mountain".
"Oh, Oh, time to take the archeologist out for coffee, he is becoming delusional. So answer my question..."
Picking up his papers, Daniel answered like Jack had asked the world's stupidest question, "Janet's, but first Starbucks".
Friday Evening (Three Weeks Later):
The halls of SGC were quiet and Daniel' footsteps echoed in the nearly empty corridors. Checking his watch, he knew it was late but had finally gotten up the nerve to speak to General Hammond. He had waited until Jack and Sam had left the base. Teal'c was in a state of Kel-no-reem, and on Monday, Janet would be reinstated as CMO of the SGC. His confinement to base due to illness had stretched out longer than anyone had thought. Reaching the General's office door he knocked.
"Come in".
Daniel closed his eyes and took a deep breath before entering the office of General Hammond.
The General glanced up, a look of surprise on his face when he noticed who was standing in his doorway. He smiled at Daniel and motioned for the young man to take the seat opposite him.
"Son, it's late. Everything okay". The General berated himself for that question. How could everything be okay? Daniel was just getting over a serious illness and was confined to base, his significant other while contributing to Daniel's illness was prohibited from stepping foot on the base and the Nuzarians requested SG-1's presence off world in less than three days for the finalization of the agreement. So in the scheme of Dr. Jackson's life, Janet and he would be like two ships passing in the night.
Daniel smiled a small smile that didn't reach his eyes and sat in the proffered chair across from the desk. He sat with his shoulders slumped and his eyes downcast. His hands in his lap picked at an invisible string from his military green pants. The two people sat that way in silence for a number of minutes until General Hammond asked gently "Dr. Jackson, you needed to see me".
Daniel looked up at General Hammond, and in shock the General came to the realization how absolutely destitute Dr. Jackson looked. "General Hammond, I just need to tell you something. Something that you need to know." Daniel closed his eyes and rubbed his hands up and down his thighs. He leaned forwarded, staring at the General and quietly started his story. "When SG-2 first encountered the Nuzarians, everyone, the President, the Pentagon, Joint Chiefs of Staff, SGC, even myself took it at face value how this technologically advanced planet wanted to share with earth. There would have been a time not that long ago when I would have questioned their motives. But you know something, General, I was too tired too weary of everything, maybe I changed more than I would like to admit. I felt like everyone else, it was time things went our way, maybe we felt we deserved it, and maybe we all are just tired. No one wanted to question, hell I guess we didn't want to know the answer why this culture was willing to share when all the other more advanced cultures we met never shared, they taunted us with their advancements, dangled it like a carrot on a string, but never shared.
General Hammond opened his mouth to protest; but Daniel threw up his hands and pleaded, "Think General, really think, except for a number of technically more advance strides in medicine and our iris..why did they take such an interest in us?"
General Hammond sat back in his chair waiting for the answer.
"Me," Daniel hung his head..."their interest was..is in me".
General Hammond voice conveyed his disbelief "Dr. Jackson, don't you think your self worth is a little exaggerated?"
Daniel shook his head in response and jumped up from the chair. He wrapped his arms around his torso and started to pace the room. "I wish it was that, that would be so easy. But I think I woke up a little too late. The treaty was already being worked on; my back was against the wall. The last time I returned from Nuzar, I contacted the Tok'ra and spoke to Anise myself. I questioned her about the Nuzarians and she acknowledged that they were known to the Tok'ra but she had never known them to share technology. I pushed and pushed and that is as far as she would answer me...Anise didn't allude to anything..which made me all the more suspicious."
General Hammond started to open his mouth, he did not like the way this was going.
"I know, I know", Daniel sat back down in the chair. "Looking back now it was 20/20 hindsight that I should have shared my concerns with someone, anyone. I did all of this on my own, no one else seemed interested, they were only interested in what we receiving not what was going to be given. I approached Selmak, or rather Jacob, and appealed to his fatherly instincts. But
Surprisingly, I received my answer from Selmak. It seems that the Nuzarians had been approached by hundreds of different races to share their technology, but their negotiations never got out of the starting gate. With earth it was different, we seem to be making it all the way to the finish line."
"That is a bad thing because..." General Hammond ventured, completely lost at the turn in the conversation.
"Well you know something General, in actuality is not a bad thing for anyone but me."
"Finish, Dr. Jackson, just finish".
He took a deep breath and continued. "About two days after the Nuzarians brought the agreement back to their planet for presentation to their high counsel; they contacted me discretely. They believed I should be aware of what awaited me should the Nuzarians decide to accept the treaty. You see General, while this treaty is written in words, the Nuzarians culture is based on the belief that actions speak louder than words. Let me tell you, they have not been too impressed with the actions of Earth in the past few months. So much so, that they had all intentions of breaking off talks with us. But somewhere in the midst of negotiations, they decided that I should represent Earth. They believed earth only needed one fair and equitable man to make them willing to their share their technology. They are of the belief that I am that fair and equitable man. My character will be the one that will...my actions will be what to tips the scales on whether the Earth will benefit from their advanced technology. Technology that up until three weeks ago, no one was privy to. The items that the Nuzarians had first shown us were just the tip of the iceberg. What they showed me was breathtaking. I know there is no room for failure."
The General could see that Daniel was in danger of losing any composure that he possessed at this point in time. "Go-ahead son, I'm all ears".
"I am going to be walking the gangplank when I go through that Stargate on Monday. I do not know what awaits me on the other side except that is some type of test. If they do not judge me worthy, the treaty will be lost. If they deem me "worthy" the agreement will be honored."
"Dr. Jackson...." General Hammond wanted to go the last step in this conversation. "What about you?"
Daniel met his eyes and produced a little half smile He swallowed audibly and shrugged his shoulders. "The Nuzarians alluded to the fact that when I return it possibly may not be in the same condition I walked through the Stargate. What they did tell me was that I would be returned here...back home. Whether I passed the test or not. Whether I was breathing or not." With shaking hands, Daniel nervously rubbed his eyes. "And to borrow a quote from Star Trek 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few' or in this case 'the one'."
General Hammond started to speak, but Daniel put his hand up to stop him and continued,"
General Hammond, any attempt to rescue me or accompany me will be in violation of this test and will nullify the treaty. Please heed the fact that theoretically, any type of rescue attempt is nonexistent. Please, do not try anything that will put the treaty in danger, I...we worked too hard for this. I'm tired and exhausted and I just want this over with. "
"Dr. Jackson, you inferred that the treaty would not be ratified if someone accompanied you...are you telling me that you are to make this journey alone. Without the remainder of your team?'
Daniel just shook his head yes. He knew that this was going to be the hardest for General Hammond to understand.
"We will not permit you to go, we will scrub the mission," General Hammond stammered. For the first time in his life, he had no options and was grasping at straws.
Daniel laughed a hollow laugh; "I would be a dead man walking. There is no way Washington would allow that; the NID would permit it...or myself. I've only succeeded in one thing in my life. Opening the Stargate. I've lost my parents, Sha're, Sarah.hell ...Nick and even Shifu slipped through my fingers. I don't want to lose this too. "
General Hammond was speechless. He could not comprehend that Dr. Jackson still felt that way after all his years with SGC. All the various cultures the earth had built relationships with were due primarily to his ability to make first contact. Dr. Jackson would never see himself for his gains only for his losses. The General shook his head "Dr. Jackson, do your teammates know?"
Daniel genuinely laughed at that question, "Could you see me telling Jack...Colonel O'Neill. Think of me every time you use that big honkin' space gun." He got serious again. "No. Well actually, the only person besides you who knows is Teal'c, and believe me that is not a conversation I would like to have again.
The Nuzarians only want me there. And even though I would prefer not to be alone, we need to abide by their rules. Teal'c is already is aware of this. The idea of not accompanying me was the hardest to get across to him. SG-1 will not be aware of my actual departure time. Keep the briefing time at 0930 and departure at 1100." Daniel hung his head and when he looked up at the General he had a look of resolve that he had never seen before. "I will have been long gone, my departure time will be 0530. Actually that will be easier for me, I do not want to say goodbye to them. I can't. General Hammond, I do need a favor though."
"Anything".
"I need to see Janet. Now...Not that I will tell her before I leave. I just need to be with her. I know you warned me that I wasn't permitted to bring up our relationship again in this office, but please make an exception. Dr. Warner hasn't cleared me to go until tomorrow afternoon; I want to go tonight. Please give me your permission, ...let me spend some time with her and Cassie."
"That was easy..permission granted."
Quietly Hammond asked, "Will this all be worth it. Do you see any possibility of an Aschen type of long range effect?"
"No, they are a good people with no ulterior motives. This is just their culture, their way of life. Their belief...don't let the SGC fault them for that."
"It would seem I do not have a choice in this matter, do I Dr. Jackson? Dr. Jackson?
"No sir," Daniel answered in a barely audible voice.
Daniel's head was bent, General Hammond had never seen him so still...he was always filled with nervous energy. "Daniel". Daniel looked up in surprise, he did not believe that he had ever heard the General address him by his first name. "Daniel, you have my permission to leave now. Stop by the infirmary and let Dr. Warner you are leaving. If he has any problems, he can call me."
Daniel stood up and nodded his head in the General's direction. "Thank you sir". Daniel turned and left the room.
General Hammond gazed at his office door for a long while after Dr. Jackson had departed his office. He made no move to wipe the tears that had fallen from his eyes.
The phone rang, waking Janet out of a nightmare filled sleep. Looking at the clock, she smiled. 'Daniel's good night call'. "Hello, Daniel".
"Do me a favor, open the front door, I forgot my key", he said laughing into his cell phone.
Janet jumped out of bed slamming the phone down. She ran to the door, flinging it open, she literally jumped into Daniel's arms. Laughing, she covered his face with kisses. Cassie had come to see what the noise was and was standing in the doorway rubbing her sleep filled eyes and yawning. "Superman"..she screamed throwing herself at him.
'How am I going to be able to leave this..." Daniel thought morbidly. Then he pushed those thoughts away admonishing himself. He would not allow those thoughts to take up residence in his mind.
"Let's go in the house, the neighbors are starting to become suspicious." Daniel awkwardly bent down to pick up the duffel bag at his feet and managed to walk through the door with both Janet and Cassie clinging to him.
The threesome moved to the kitchen, where he deposited them both by the kitchen table.
"What are you doing here Daniel, I thought Dr. Warner wasn't clearing you until tomorrow? Janet's eyes were assessing Daniel's medical condition.
Daniel smiled and shrugged his shoulders, "I guess General Hammond felt bad for me wandering the halls and sighing." Daniel looked at Janet and Cassie looking up and him. "Go get dressed Cassie, I am going to convince you mother to go out to eat I'm starving."
"It's late, Janet countered. "Daniel...it's 11:00".
"Janet, come on, tomorrow's Saturday, we'll sleep in." He pointed to Cassie, "Hurry and get dressed...I'm starving".
As soon as Cassie left the kitchen, Daniel bent down to Janet. He wrapped his arms around her legs and laid his head in her lap. "God I missed holding you."
Janet closed her eyes to stop the tears from falling. Janet had never thought Daniel to be a physically demonstrative person. Jack had broken through some of his shell and Daniel would tolerate an occasional hug from his teammates. But towards Janet, she believed that sometimes Daniel's actions were so childlike and needy in their intensity that they frightened her. It didn't matter if they were sleeping, walking or talking, Daniel touched Janet almost like he was reassuring himself that she was still there. His actions spoke of a depth to the man she wasn't sure she could handle. She ran her fingers through his hair, uttering quietly, "I missed you".
Daniel stood up pulling Janet up out of the chair. "We are a great pair. Sometimes I think we are like lovesick teenagers rather than an adults."
Janet pulled Daniel down to her and kissed him long and hard, leaving him breathless. She smiled "Let's go for dinner, you and I can have dessert later".
She left him alone in the kitchen while she went to dress and he slowly paced the room. He placed his hands under his armpits to quell their shaking. He closed his eyes and did some deep breathing to banish the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
After dinner, lying in bed wrapped in Daniel's arms; Janet was always amazed at the passion that was Daniel's makeup. His passion for his belief and his work carried over into their lovemaking. She smiled in the dark and curled closer to him.
"Janet, are you awake?" Daniel murmured.
"Hmmm".
"I have to tell you something..."
Janet started to turn around to face him.
"No..please don't." Holding her tightly in the spooned position. "I have to say this and it makes it much easier not facing you." He took a breath and continued "SG-1 is leaving the day you go back to SGC, the Nuzarians contacted to let us know. He couldn't bring himself to tell her the rest, he wouldn't tell any of them before he left.
Daniel started kissing Janet's hair. "I'm sorry, you're returning and I'm..we're leaving, please don't be angry...".
Janet took a few minutes before answering. "I'm not angry, Daniel." This time he allowed her to turn so they faced each other. She touched his cheek. "I love you Daniel...but I knew the nature of the beast when I fell in love with you. This isn't like a business trip to meet a client or sell a product; I know what is at stake here. Do I wish you weren't going? I would be lying if I said no. Would I love to rant and rave and get angry? Damn straight I would. But the only thing that will do will be to take time away from us before you leave. I won't even ask when you are coming home. I don't want to know the answer. Just remember that I love you and that porch light will be kept burning until you are back in this bed."
Daniel took Janet's hand caressing his cheek and kissed it. She turned back around to resume their previous position. Daniel pulled her in closer and moved her hair from neck and kissed the exposed skin gently. "I love you Janet" he whispered in her ear. Closing their eyes, they succumbed to sleep.
Morning:
"Wake up sleepy head...Come on...get up".
'What is that annoying bouncing on the bed. Janet knows better than to wake me up like that without a cup of coffee in her hand'. Daniel went to pull the pillow over his head, only to have it grabbed and thrown off the bed. He attempted to open one eye, only to be assaulted with bright sunshine in the bedroom. He slammed his eye shut and felt on Janet's side of the bed. 'Well she bailed out'...then Daniel realized he heard the shower running. Mystery solved. But who was bouncing on the bed. Groaning, he opened both eyes...'Cassie. Maybe it was better when she hated him'.
"What could you possibly want this early in the morning?"
"Early, early, are you crazy...it's 11:30 time to get up".
"If I pay you money, will you leave me alone..." Daniel begged.
"No.." Cassie was laughing sitting on the bed. "Oh by the way, Jack, Teal'c and Sam are on their way over. Something about a barbecue".
"Does your mother know this".
"Sure that is why she is in the shower".
"Tell me I have to get up and get dressed".
"Yup".
"Did they call...is that why we know they are coming for a barbecue?"
"No, silly. No, when they found out that you were released last night, they came by really early to go for breakfast and I told them you guys were still sleeping. So of course Jack had to see for himself. The comment 'so cute' comes to mind." Cassie said giggling and glancing at Daniel's expression, "My friend Ali was right, you turn a wonderful shade of red when you get embarrassed".
"Cassie you are an evil, evil girl. Leave so I can shower and dress. Go call Dominic and ask him to come over today".
"Already did".
"Go clean the house".
"Already did"
"I don't believe it".
"I didn't but it is so much more fun to annoy you."
"Cassie, leave Daniel alone" Janet said when she exited the bathroom.
"Oh mom, you're no fun. Daniel you should know Jack paid me money to bother you. But I would have done it for nothing." She leaned over and gave Daniel a gentle kiss on the cheek and left the room.
"Feels good, huh 'dad' " Janet asked smiling.
Daniel was actually speechless. "Umm...I think I'll shower and dress, looks like we have company for the day."
"Looks like it". Janet said walking over to the bed and kissing Daniel. He grabbed her and brought her down onto the bed. "How soon before they show up", he murmured.
"Hey you guys," Cassie yelled in a singsong voice from the bedroom door. "Don't do that in front of the child."
Janet broke off the embrace and looked at Daniel laughing, "Cassie's friend is right you do turn a wonderful shade of red when embarrassed."
Daniel grabbed his clothes in a huff, walked to the bathroom door and slammed it shut. Janet and Cassie broke out laughing.
Later that afternoon, Daniel was sitting on a chair watching Jack manhandle the barbecue. He smiled, feeling himself relax for the first time in a long time. 'I need to learn how to appreciate the times like these...the times when moments are made into memories.' He closed his eyes lost in thoughts and started to drift off to sleep when he heard Jack call his name. " Danny, hey Danny." Daniel opened and eyes and leaned forward in the chair trying to discern what Jack was saying to him. 'Something about two...he was holding up two fingers and smiling. Something about the treaty...oh shit, two days before we leave'. Reality came crashing down on Daniel and he quickly excused him and rushed into the house to the bathroom and promptly threw up. He washed his face and rinsed his mouth before exiting the bathroom and he ran straight into....Teal'c.
"Umm, Teal'c can I help you".
"No DanielJackson, can I help you."
"With what Teal'c".
"I do not know DanielJackson, why don't you tell me".
Daniel looked at Teal'c and shrugged. "I will be okay".
Teal's placed his hand on Daniel's chest "It is not you I am worried about".
"Thanks...just watch over everyone for me, okay".
"I could do no less".
"You are a good friend".
"As are you. Let us go outside, they are calling".
The rest of the day passed wonderfully. The early incident pushed to the recesses of Daniel's mind. He caught Teal'c occasionally glancing in his direction, but returned the look with a smile and Teal'c nodded in acknowledgement. At dusk, they moved the gathering inside and much to Daniel's dismay, Jack brought the conversation around to the treaty. Carter joined in and then Janet started discussing the planet's advances in science and research. Teal'c kept shooting Daniel looks of concern, but Daniel was oblivious. All he was aware of was the roaring in his ears and the seemingly ever present sick feeling in his stomach.
"Daniel...hello Daniel", Sam placed a hand on Daniel's knee to gain in attention. "Daniel are you okay?"
"Oh yea, Sam", Daniel said a little angrier than he meant to "Just really tired of discussing this whole subject matter." And he reiterated the words that he had said to General Hammond the previous day "I just want it to be over and done with". He leaned back on the couch rubbing his eyes. "Sorry".
"It's okay Danny, we understand...but just think of all the fun things we can play with if the treaty..."
"Colonel.." Sam said making eye contact and then shifting her glance over to Daniel.
"Right, sorry".
Daniel abruptly got up and asked "Anybody for coffee?"
He walked into the kitchen to put up a fresh pot of coffee, grabbed a mug and turned around to find himself almost face to face with Jack. "Jack?"
"Daniel".
"Jack...problem?"
"I don't know Daniel, problem? What was that all about out there?"
Leaning back on the counter, Daniel looked down at the floor. "Nothing".
With an exasperated sigh, Jack countered "Daniel, the display in the living room is not nothing. Something is not right".
"Maybe you are absolutely right Jack, maybe there is something not right." Daniel's voice raising in pitch. Daniel ran his hand through his hair. "God, I'm tired. I've lost my way, Jack, something I promised myself I would never do when I joined this program. In one fell swoop, the military have taken away my sense of me. Of what makes me...well me. This treaty should have never rested only my shoulders. But no one wanted to listen to my misgivings, no one watched out for me. No one was paying attention, they were all too excited over the offerings. Not what, let me rephrase that, WHO was being sacrificed to get them." Daniel had definitely entered pity party mode and he was inviting everyone he knew.
At that point, Jack had the good grace to look ashamed. Daniel continued quietly, " I'm tired of the military holding me hostage. I just want my life back the way it was. The SGC, you, Sam, Teal'c", Daniel lifted his head meeting Jack's eyes, " Janet, Cassie, archeology, languages, traveling through the Stargate, searching for new cultures. Those things were my life, my choice. I know the SGC is military, but the majority of time the people who I worked closely... I had a voice. Now, I am nothing, just an end to the means." Daniel took the empty coffee cup he was holding and threw it against the wall, shattering it.
Janet went to get up but Teal'c restrained her with just a glance.
Jack looked from Daniel to the shattered cup on the floor. "Feel better?"
"No, I mean yes, oh shit...I don't know what I mean. God Jack, I just want it done and over." Daniel scrubbed his hands over his face and exhaled loudly.
"Colonel, is everything okay in there."
"Yeah, Carter, Daniel's just letting us know that the coffee is ready."
Daniel met Jack's eyes and smiled. "I'm sorry, and thanks".
"Daniel, no need for sorry... and Daniel, when this is over, I think a lot of people are going to have to 'thank you' to one overworked, exhausted archeologist. And I think you warrant another vacation," Jack said affectionately.
"I don't want a vacation Jack, I don't want any thank you...I just want things to go back to the way they were".
Daniel went to pick up the pieces of the shattered cup. Janet went into the kitchen, standing behind Daniel she glanced in the Colonel's direction. He shrugged his shoulders and gave a half smile. Janet bent down next to Daniel putting an arm around his shoulders.
"Sorry Janet, I guess I lost my temper", Daniel said sheepishly.
Janet didn't answer, but her worry for this mission just increased a notch. She had seen the looks Teal'c had been giving Daniel all day. She just kissed his cheek. "Don't cut yourself Daniel, I don't go back to work until Monday." In response Daniel just rested his head on Janet's shoulder.
"Mom, hey guys." Cassie said entering the kitchen with Dominic. "I rented this movie from the video store. We gotta watch it tonight. I started to watch it at Dominic's house, but I made him bring me back here to watch it together...It reminds me of someone."
Sam took it out of her hands. "Atlantis...Cassie this is a Disney movie."
"I know, but wait." Cassie took in the bored looks of everyone in the kitchen. "Come on, its only ninety minutes long. Spare me ninety minutes of your time. Believe me....don't make me whine".
"Believe me...you don't want her to whine..." Daniel smiled in her direction.
They took their coffee into the living room and settled to watch the movie. Within minutes, Jack started to laugh when Teal'c said "DanielJackson...did you sell your life story to this Disney person".
Daniel sat with his hands over his face for the majority of the movie. Jack was having a field day with the comments...and he had a captive audience. Jack looked in Daniel's direction 'a little bit better, he looks a little better'."
"Cassie...." Daniel said..."your days are truly numbered".
Daniel leaned against the door lost in thought. Everyone had just left, the movie being a strange culmination to the day. 'Today had been like a roller coaster ride, with its ups and downs, but I guess that is what being with family is all about'.
"We have wonderful friends, " Janet said walking up to Daniel and hugging him.
"Why because they helped us clean the mess or because Janet took Cassie overnight and for breakfast tomorrow so we could be alone?"
Janet didn't answer but jumped when Daniel stepped forward suddenly grabbing her upper arms. He actually scared her with the roughness of his move, but the look in his eyes spoke of other emotions.
Janet placed her hands on Daniel's arms. "Daniel?"
"I started something awhile ago that I never got to finish. I want it now."
Even though Janet knew that Daniel would never hurt her, the gruffness in his voice upset her.
"Come on..." Daniel said tugging Janet by the arm. He dragged her into the kitchen...and he sat her on the kitchen counter.
"Remember, Janet. This seems like such a long time ago. Just when Cassie came home...before the treaty...you know." Daniel asked as he started to unbutton Janet's shirt.
"I remember Daniel" Janet said shivering in anticipation as Daniel placed butterfly kisses on her neckline. 'I remember Daniel, the time when our hardest worry was Cassie, not the treaty, you being sick. Just wanting to be a family'. "But if I remember correctly you had no shirt on" Janet laughed in the record time Daniel removed his shirt.
"You had no pants...." Daniel murmured, helping Janet remove her pants, letting them fall on the floor next to his shirt. "You had your legs...Mmm, that's right" Daniel replied as Janet wrapped her legs around Daniel's bare back. "Now where were we, before we were so rudely interrupted...."
Being alone in the house gave Janet and Daniel a freedom they had never experienced. They knew that evening there would be no ringing of phones or beeping from SGC or friends or Cassie or medical emergencies that required Dr. Fraiser's immediate attention. With that freedom came the ability to experience each other without the worry of the immediate world barging in. In the time that passed no one existed but the two of them. Not the SGC, not Washington, the NID, SG-1, the Nuzarians, hell with a little pang of guilt, even Cassie. The only people that went to bed with Janet and Daniel this night was them. They only people on their minds when they made love that night, was them. It was a novel and wonderful experience. The only problem was that morning came much too soon and the outside world again re-entered their life when Janet woke up alone in bed.
"Daniel" she called quietly. Quickly glancing at the clock...early. Grabbing her robe, Janet went in search of Daniel. She found him sitting on a lounge chair on the back porch, fully dressed with his eyes closed. Quietly closing the sliding glass doors behind her she stepped onto the porch. She stood behind his sleeping form, leaning over she kissed the top of his head and ran her hands over his chilled forearms. "Daniel", she said louder "Wake up".
He opened his eyes, bending his head backwards. Catching sight of Janet he smiled yawned. Grabbing his hand, she pulled him into the house. He stood against the counter rubbing his arms, trying to bring heat into his body. Janet started the coffee. Standing in front of Daniel she untucked his shirt from his pants and placed her warm arms around him. Daniel pulled her towards him.
"Daniel what were you doing, fully dressed, sleeping outside at 8:30 in the morning"
"I completely forget that I promised Dr. Warner that I would come in to let him take preliminary blood tests before I...we left tomorrow for Nuzar. He needed it to be a fasting test, so I couldn't have any coffee or breakfast, so I figured the earlier the better." Daniel yawned again. "So I did the blood thing, took care of some things and ran into General Hammond."
"But Daniel, why were you outside?"
"Oh, forgot my cell phone to call and I didn't want to wake you by knocking. I figured you would eventually miss me. I wasn't out there long."
She poured Daniel and herself coffee and passed the mug to him. The look of pleasure on his face when he inhaled the coffee fumes made Janet smile. He looked down at Janet with a hint of sadness. "I argued with General Hammond. I can't stay the night here. I have to be on base for some last minute meetings with some suits from Washington. They win again. I'm sorry". Daniel hung his head. "It's okay Daniel". She knew it really wasn't okay but she couldn't add to his guilt. Daniel yawned again. Janet took the coffee mug from him and pointed him in the direction of the bedroom. "Go back to bed".
"With you?"
"No." Janet had her back to Daniel "Don't give me the pout, puppy dog eyes, or the eyelash thing."
"Oh...how did you know?"
"I was you doctor first Daniel. I know all your tricks". Janet turned to him and smiled. "Go back to bed...
Daniel made a move to take her in his arms.
She wriggled free. "NO! Get some sleep." Janet eyed him suspiciously "How much sleep did you actually have last night Daniel?"
Daniel hung his head and mumbled something under this breath.
"Daniel?"
"Okay, about two hours. Alright. My God, you're worse than Jack. When you fell asleep I realized that I needed to get the blood work done, so I left."
"Daniel...that was like..." Janet said horrified
Putting up his hand to stop he continuing tirade. "I know, I know. I'll go to bed now if you promise me you won't let me sleep the day away. Promise?"
"I promise."
Daniel removed his glasses, placing them on the night table. Yawning he laid down. 'I didn't exactly lie to Janet. I got blood work while I was there and there is a meeting tonight with the suits from Washington. Hammond left the decision up to me. I cannot leave this house tomorrow morning. I won't be able to do it. I can't say goodbye...I can't lie that much. I just needed to take care of some personal things, things I that had to be done in case. In case of what' his subconscious shot back. 'In case you fail? NO...I don't have any room for failure'. He threw his arm across his eyes to hide the flow of tears.
Fifteen minutes later she went to check on him. He was fast asleep, uncovered, sprawled across the whole bed. Janet laughed to herself. When they were in bed together he was next to her, on top of her, if he could he would crawl into her skin with her. She covered him with the blanket and closed the bedroom door.
Daniel awoke with a start a scream dying on his lips. He barely made it to the bathroom in time to throw up what little breakfast he had at SGC this morning. He sank to the bathroom floor cradling his head in his hands. He had lost count of the number of times he had thrown up meals since he began work on this treaty or the number of aspirin he had consumed. His nightmares had returned with a vengeance his ability to recall their contents upon waking nonexistence. Daniel pushed himself off the tile floor, brushed and rinsed his mouth out. He stumbled to the bedroom and threw himself back onto the bed, trying but failing to submit to the weariness he felt.
Back at SGC:
'Shit', Dr. Lyons thought examining this morning's samples of Dr. Jackson's blood. 'I've sold my soul to the devil.' He visibly jumped when the cell phone in his pocket vibrated. Lyons glanced furtively around the lab before answering the phone. "I told you never to call me here".
Ignoring Lyons' warning, the voice asked. "He will be alright? When we come to SGC tonight, he will be healthy...healthy enough to go through the gate?"
Exasperated and with an edge to his voice, Lyons answered "Yes, I've told you countless times yes. He's cured; it wasn't a Band-Aid fix. There are some residual aftereffects, but you were aware of them at the outset and they won't interfere with SG-1's gate travel. Now or in the future."
"Refresh my memories of the problems...Dr. Jackson might have."
"Why are you calling to bother me. We've gone through this over and over again. Insomnia, nausea, headaches...these will all dissipate in time. Why do you risk everything by calling here."
"Because we own you now. Forever and ever. Get that through your head of yours and if I want to call you every minute of every second of every day, I will do it. And you will jump through hoops for me and mine...or you and yours will suffer. Maybe a car accident in that new car you bought, or fire will burn down that new house...it is amazing what you managed to purchase on an Air Force salary. Don't you agree, Dr. Lyons." Without waiting for a response, the party at the end of the phone severed the conversation.
Dr. Lyon's pocketed the phone with shaking hands, glad that no one was around to witness his anxiety. He had been deeply in debt when the NID approached him regarding being their "medical man" on the inside. In the beginning, it had been easy with no occurrence of guilt on his part. A blood sample here, a urinalysis there. The NID played their hand when the incident with Dr. Jackson, the entity and the treaty occurred. The fact that Dr. Fraiser had been removed as CMO had fit right into their hands. She never saw Jackson's blood, never realizing what he had to do to "cure" Dr. Jackson. Dr. Warner drew the blood and let Lyons run the tests, never aware that he falsified readings. Lyons now knew the meaning of guilt as well as the belief that there was no way out of the hole he had dug himself with the aid of the shovels from the NID.
Daniel hadn't been able to return to sleep...and he himself didn't relish revisiting the realm of his nightmares. He stayed in bed, not wishing to provoke the wrath of his doctor. The phone rang somewhere in the house and moments later Janet peeked into the bedroom. A look of irritation skirted across her face when she realized he was up. She sat down on the side of the bed irritation turning to concern. "Did you sleep at all?"
"Yes Doctor, I did".
She smiled as he attempted to pull her down to him. She went willingly whispering in his ear that the phone call was from Sam giving her an hour's warning before bring Cassie home.
"Good friends, we have such good friends" Daniel laughed as he untied the belt to her robe.
"We don't have much time..." Janet started unbuttoning his shirt.
"Kitchen?"
"Dr. Jackson, you live dangerously. Bed is fine", Janet replied leaning in to kiss Daniel.
"Bed is good..."
"I love you Janet", as he kissed her lips, her neck.
"I love you too Daniel, but we are working against the clock here...50 minutes and ticking. Hurry", as she ripped off her nightgown...
"Janet I feel like we are contestants on an old game show called 'Beat the Clock'..."
"Daniel...shut up and pay attention. God, I wonder how Colonel O'Neill deals with you"
"I think the show starred..."
At that point Janet realized the only way to shut up the good doctor was to kiss him.
By the time Cassie walked into the kitchen followed by Sam, Daniel and Janet had dressed, showered and were drinking coffee with a look of complete innocence on their faces.
Cassie took one look around and said "Guys come one you are not fooling anyone...but at least you are fully clothed this time."
Janet nearly spit out her coffee, Sam laughed, and Daniel face took on a wonderful hue of red. Turning to Sam, with hands on hips, Cassie defiantly said "Pay up Sam, I win...I told you I could have Daniel blushing within five minutes of being in the house".
Daniel shook his head looking at Cassie "You are incorrigible. Are you sure you haven't been taking lessons from Jack?"
Cassie laughed "I'll never tell."
Sam joined Daniel and Janet for coffee while Cassie disappeared into her room. Daniel knew that eventually the conversation would turn to tomorrow's departure.
"All ready Daniel?"
Leaning back in his chair Daniel shrugged his shoulders. Quietly he answered, "As ready as I will ever be."
"You'll do great...you always do. Plus SG-1 will be there for backup, we can always force them to sign on the dotted line Daniel."
Daniel didn't even respond, he just hung his head. Sam covered Daniel's hand resting on the table with one of her own. On contact, he lifted his head and gave her a sad smile. Sam reflected a smile back at him. Removing her hand she stood, "Time to take my leave folks. See you at the briefing Daniel and get a good night's sleep".
Daniel met Sam's gaze. "Tomorrow Sam".
Following Sam's departure, Janet asked Daniel what he wanted to do today. His reply "Anything, as long as we are together...actually Janet, let's just stay here."
"Home is the choice then".
"I'm going to cook dinner though. A thoroughly delicious dinner with a decadent dessert."
"Dr. Jackson...I never knew you could cook", Janet replied with a glint in her eye.
"I try to keep it a secret, otherwise everyone would expect me to cook off world, on world and brown bag their lunches", Daniel gave Janet a true smile. Getting up he grabbed her hand; "I have to go to the grocery store first. Come on."
"A man who cooks and shops...oh be still my heart."
As promised Daniel shopped prepared dinner and true to his word, the man showed off his culinary talents. Cassie invited Dominic to dinner, set the table, complete with candles, and her and Dominic helped clean up. The two teenagers had since deserted their adult counterparts and Janet was washing the dishes while Daniel was leaning against the counter drying. Daniel had been very subdued during dessert and had moved into the realm of unresponsive while drying. Janet noticed that he kept glancing at the clock. The phone rang making the two of them jump.
Answering the phone, Janet handed it over to Daniel, mouthing the word "Jack".
"Hi, Jack. No, it's okay. No I don't need a lift in the morning...I'm staying on base tonight...Hammond's orders...last minute meeting with Washington. Yes, I know. Good night Jack. Yes, I promise to get a good night sleep...Good night, see you at the briefing." Daniel laughed "I worry about you too Jack...Breakfast in the commissary...have to go Jack, Janet's getting jealous...Good bye." He hung up the phone smiling. He took a quick glimpse at the clock and the smile disappeared with a sigh. Daniel filled a mug with coffee for himself and one for Janet. He motioned her to sit with him at the table.
"Today was fun".
"Daniel, you shopped and cooked. I know we were together, but fun?"
"I pretended we were just a normal family, doing normal things. Shopping, cooking, eating dinner together. My childhood very rarely consisted of "normal" family interactions and as an adult, my job...for want of a better word...rarely attains a balance of normalcy. So today, in my mind we were just like any other family in the grocery store, in the bakery, in the house doing family things".
Janet couldn't answer him...couldn't make up for the years of heartache he experienced in childhood into adulthood. Silence enveloped them in the kitchen, the only sound the ticking of the clock marking the minutes until Daniel had to leave.
"Daniel", she called softly to gain his attention, "Our group of family and friends...normal we are not. But for a taste of real normal life, would you consider moving in with me and Cassie when you get back?"
"Oh". He swallowed a few times and squeaked out "Cassie?"
Janet laughed at Daniel's reaction "Actually it was her idea."
"I could watch her when you are not here."
"Actually Daniel, I believe she feels it would be the other way around".
Smiling he leaned across the table and kissed her "You want me and all my artifacts, fish, books...me?"
Janet looked at him in bewilderment, Daniel really couldn't understand why someone would want him, love him, want to wake up in the morning next to him. She answered him a little angrier than she intended. "Yes, Daniel, I love you...Cassie loves you...we want you here...with us. A family."
"I love you Janet", Daniel thought a few moments, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Janet waited patiently, drinking her coffee and wondering where Daniel was actually going with this conversation.
"My piano, too?"
Janet laughed, "As long was we don't have to move it ourselves...everything Daniel. We want everything and you too".
Daniel pushed himself off the chair leaned over Janet and kissed the top of her head; "We will have to look for a bigger place, right?"
"My thoughts exactly, I think the piano put us over the edge". She leaned back and he dropped his head to meet her lips.
Janet sensed him rather than saw him look again at the clock. The arms that he held her with stiffened and he whispered "I have to leave".
Janet stood so they faced each other. All those years of being a doctor aided her in keeping her emotions in check. Daniel's state of mind would not handle Janet losing control; particularly due to the fact that Daniel was walking a thin line attempting to rein in his emotions. She could see it in his eyes and body language. Daniel has already entered the "don't touch me, I'm fine" level of thought.
She shadowed him through the house as he gathered up the needed items for his stay on Nuzar.
Daniel put down his duffel bag and gathered Janet in his arms. She placed her head against his chest comforted by his beating heart.
"I report back tomorrow to SGC so l will see you in the morning before you go through the gate. I report back at 0800...you leave later".
'I'll be long gone. I'm a coward, leaving the General and Teal'c to pick up the pieces'. He bent to kiss her head. "You really want my fish and my piano?"
"Everything."
Looking in the rear view mirror as he drove off down the street, he smiled to himself as Janet went inside and turned the porch light on. Even though the sun had not yet set, Daniel knew that Janet would keep that light illuminated until he returned back home.
SGC - The night before departure:
Sitting across SGC's briefing table from Colonel Simmons, Senator Kinsey, and their various entourages, Daniel had to work hard to stifle a yawn. General Hammond looked at Daniel and sympathized with the young archeologist. After sitting through countless briefings with Dr. Jackson, he was well aware that Daniel was a million miles away in thought. General Hammond sighed, Daniel knew better than anyone else sitting at this table, himself included, what exactly was at stake in this situation. This treaty had made strange bedfellows of Kinsey and Simmons. The droning and arguing of both Simmon's and Kinsey's voice was remnant of fingernails on a blackboard.
"Headache?" Colonel Simmons questioned with concern after noticing that Dr. Jackson had closed his eyes and proceeded to rub his temples.
The tone in his voice even made General Hammond glance in Daniel's direction.
Daniel did not open his eyes and he certainly did not want to visit the infirmary by admitting to the pounding behind his closed lids, so he lied and answered "Tired."
"That's understandable Dr. Jackson, but are you aware..."
Daniel had no interest for whomever made that remark, but he was done, finished, wanting out of this room, end of game. He leaned forward, eyes wide open and ablaze with countless emotions. "Aware, believe me gentlemen, no one at this table is more aware of what is at stake here than I. I certainly do not need anyone from Washington, the Pentagon, NID or whatever rock you've crawled out of to remind me of this fact. Get it through your heads, when I...SG-1 step through that gate tomorrow, we do it in the interest of the people of Earth, and with the exception of General Hammond, not the bureaucratic assholes who are sitting around this table." He stood up so abruptly that his chair rolled halfway across the briefing room. He said "Goodnight" to General Hammond and started gathering his paperwork.
Daniel got as far as the door to the briefing room when Senator Kinsey spoke up "A little bit of an attitude problem, Dr. Jackson, considering these bureaucratic assholes pay your generous salary." The smug look on Kinsey's face made even Hammond want to kick his teeth in.
Daniel turned around and in a calm voice replied "Fire me. Say the word and tomorrow morning instead of gating to Nuzar, I'll be gone." Kinsey sputtered angrily, for once at a loss for words.
"Checkmate". Daniel said quietly exiting the room.
General Hammond took in the stunned looks of the people sitting around his briefing table. Smiling inwardly 'You just made Colonel O'Neill very proud'. Then General Hammond wondered if he could get a copy of the security camera's tape of this incident and give it to the Colonel for a Christmas present.
General Hammond stood. "I'm letting you know at this moment that this meeting is adjourned. Your presence when Dr. Jackson...and SG-1 step through that gate tomorrow is not needed nor is it welcomed. The President will notify your respective offices when they return. Good night".
Daniel threw his paperwork on his desk and flung his body onto the couch in his office. 'Shit...I really lost control there'. Head in his hands he wondered about Simmons' concern and Kinsey's anger 'Too many hidden agendas '. Pushing himself off his couch with a sigh, he began to pace his office. Overwrought with anxiety, too much nervous tension in his body and mind to enable him to contemplate sleeping. Unconsciously, with methodical, almost compulsive movements, he began cleaning his office.
Daniel surveyed the completed task ...files put away, desk cleaned, bags packed, personal matters attended to...he jumped when he heard Teal'c call his name.
"DanielJackson".
Daniel turned to face the Jaffa who had entered his office "I'm sorry Teal'c, can I help you."
Bowing his head, Teal'c asked solemnly "I would be honored if you would join me in Kel-no-reem".
"Thanks, Teal'c. I will join you in your room in a few minutes".
Teal'c bowed his head in response leaving Daniel's room. Daniel smiled in satisfaction. He never would have been able to obtain any type of sleep tonight, meditating with Teal'c would be the perfect answer. He turned off the light and locked his office door before continuing to Teal'c's room.
***********************************
Dr. Joe Lyons was more than a little on edge leaving SGC this evening. 'Almost home free' he thought to himself getting into the elevator and pressing the button that would take him to ground level. He exhaled, not even aware he had been holding his breath. He allowed himself to relax; he hadn't come in contact with the people holding his leash even though he was aware that they had arrived on base. Dr. Lyon's didn't even look up when the elevator stopped at another floor, but his heart started thudding in his chest when the elevator came to an abrupt halt and he realized that he was stuck in an elevator with Colonel Simmons and one of his henchman.
The military grunt grabbed Lyons by the throat effectively pinning him up against an elevator wall.
"You lying piece of shit", Simmons said. "I sat across from Dr, Jackson tonight...and he sure as hell doesn't look 100% to me. This is your only warning, if this treaty is not ratified because he falls ill, your ass is mine."
Motioning for the grunt to release Lyons, Simmons disengaged the halted elevator and departed at the next floor. Rubbing his bruised neck, Lyons glanced upwards realizing that the security camera in the elevator had been removed. He knew that this hadn't been a chance encounter, but his heartbeat quickened with the confirmation of the missing camera.
********************************************
Daniel stretched his arms over his head and checked his watch in the glow of the candles in Teal'c's room. He had time for a shower and coffee before leaving. Untangling his legs from the floor position, he rose slowly and quietly so not to "awaken" Teal'c. The meditative state has done more to relax him that he believed would have been possible and for that he gave quiet thanks for good friends.
This time in the early morning, the halls of SGC were eerily devoid of human noise. Lights were muted and conversations were in whispered tones. Showered and dressed, Daniel leaned against his desk savoring a mug of coffee from his office coffee machine, inhaling deeply the fumes. Draining his cup, he dumped the coffee that remained in the pot, rinsed it, and moved the button into the "off" position. Picking up his duffel bag and briefcase, surveying his office one time Daniel started his journey to the embarkation room.
Daniel entered the gate room surprised to see the General and Teal'c there. He had hoped for a quick getaway, but he should have known that was neither Teal'c's nor the General's way of showing support. General Hammond took a look at Daniel's manner of dress and smiled.
"Taking the casual approach, Dr. Jackson?"
Pushing his glasses up his nose, he smiled shyly. Rather than his usual suit and tie used to impress the dignitaries, Daniel had on his SGC uniform. He shrugged and answered sadly "This is who I am...who I've become. This is whom the Nuzarians want to see".
The General stepped forward to shake Daniel's hand "Good luck and God speed". He pulled Daniel into a bear hug and whispered in his ear "Come back safely to us". Daniel stepped back, overwhelmed to see a hint of moisture in the General's eyes.
"I intend to sir. Sorry, I am leaving you the mess to clean up with the Jack and Sam". Daniel audibly sighed and hung his head, "And probably Janet and Cassie. I'm sorry".
"DanielJackson, do not lose your way over this treaty".
Daniel laughed "Actually Teal'c that was never my intention. Turning serious again "I have a request...please watch over our friends".
"I have promised that to you already, but it is my wish to accompany you to Nuzar and watch out for you".
"Sorry, my friend, that is how they want to play this game".
Daniel looked at the clock on the wall and gave the thumbs up to the technician in the control booth. Nodding his head in acknowledgement, the tech began the dialing sequence to Nuzar. After the seventh chevron was locked and the wormhole stabilized, Daniel began his walk up the ramp. Before entering the event horizon, he turned and took in the surroundings of both the gate room and his friends at the bottom of the ramp as if imprinting them to memory, nodding, he turned and entered the shimmering horizon.
General Hammond and Teal'c stood in silence after the Stargate winked out. Taking a breath, Hammond touched Teal'c's forearm "Teal'c would you care to accompany me to the commissary for breakfast".
"It would be a pleasure General Hammond".
*******************************
The Letters
Janet
Janet was mentally berating herself on the drive to the mountain. She really hadn't meant to be so short tempered with Cassie. She hated starting the morning off with arguing, slamming doors, and harsh words. Cassie was being, well being a typical teenager and Janet was just being a bundle of emotions. Going back to work...a rushed phone call from Daniel last night no phone call this morning ...this treaty...Daniel. Sighing, she knew it all came back to Daniel. Checking the clock on the dashboard, she started humming along with the song on the radio. At least she had time to see him before he left which lifted her spirits somewhat. Pulling into the first checkpoint on the mountain the guard on duty greeted her warmly, welcoming her back. She flashed him a smile when he informed her that Dr. Jackson asked that she go to his office when she arrived at SGC. Parking the car and checking the time again, Janet was satisfied that there was enough time allotted to visit Daniel before morning report in the infirmary. Waiting impatiently for the elevator to make the trip down into the bowels of her workplace, Janet's mind wandered playfully over the amount of time before work interfered and her and Daniel's ability to play "Beat the Clock" again.
She entered his office quietly, chuckling to herself as she locked the door behind her. Janet called Daniel's name softly, no answer. Walking in a circular pattern, Janet sat at Daniel's desk chair confused. Her eye caught an envelope bearing her name in familiar handwriting leaning up against Daniel's computer screen. Janet's heart started pounding as she reached with shaking hands to retrieve the letter from its resting-place. Taking a moment to close her eyes and take a deep breath, Janet knew there was no way that her mind could convince her heart that this letter contained anything she wished to read. Not willing to put off the inevitable a moment longer, Janet gently opened the envelope.
My Janet,
The Nuzarians requested one last dance before the treaty was to be ratified. They have chosen me as their dance partner and alone I have left to finish these negotiations. Please try to understand my behavior and omission of truth...inflicting that on you was harder for me than having to step through the gate in the morning without my teammates at my side.
A few days ago, I told General Hammond that the only memorable accomplishment in my life was deciphering the code to the Stargate. After leaving you tonight, I know that not to be true. I now know my best accomplishment has been my ability to open my heart and life to you.
I love you,
Daniel
At that moment all the pieces of the puzzle fit into place. The insomnia, the nightmares when he did finally sleep, the frantic grasping at normalcy...Janet looked around Daniel's office. Daniel had returned here last night to put his life in order, closing her eyes and holding the letter tightly in her hands, she realized this mission was one step beyond just gating to Nuzar and having the agreement signed. She sat in Daniel's quiet office willing her body to make a move, any type of move, to bring her to reality, but her mind refused to cooperate so Janet stayed wrapped in the comfort of Daniel's office devastated.
Cassie
Cassie jumped into Dominic's car waiting in her driveway; her body physically vibrating with anger. Dominic barely got out a "Good morning" before Cassie proceeded to vent.
"My mother makes me so angry", Cassie said between clenched teeth. "I mean, I know Daniel had to go out of town for a few days, she was like all over my case this morning. God, she made like not getting a telephone call from Daniel this morning was my fault."
Dominic smiled as Cassie punched her backpack in frustration. He attempted to placate her by suggesting that they get some fast food for breakfast before school. Dominic's reward was a smile and a squeeze on his arm from Cassie. "Good idea" she echoed.
Dominic maneuvered the car through the drive thru at the restaurant and pulled into a parking spot to eat their breakfast. Dominic reached into back of the car and gave Cassie a crumpled envelope from his backpack. "This is for you from Dr. J...I mean Daniel."
"What is it?" Cassie inquired putting her half-eaten breakfast sandwich back in the bag.
Dominic gave Cassie a look "It's a letter Cassie...from Daniel. He gave it to me last night and asked that I give it to you this morning before school. He seemed to want someone with you when you read it."
Cassie ripped open the envelope; she was clueless as to what it would contain. The outside world seemed to fade into the background as she read the salutation.
To the daughter of my heart,
I need to leave for awhile. It was a decision that was out of my hands from the beginning, but I agreed and now it needs closure. Please remember Cassie; don't let anger at things out of your hands take control...please take care of your mom for me. You are a special person for this world and in my life and I need you to remember...riding with clouds between my knees was never my idea of fun.
Love
Superman
The look on Cassie's face reminded Dominic of a caged animal he had seen once at the zoo. The need for flight had overtaken every moment the animal made. Gently he tried to remove the letter from her trembling hands.
"No", she screamed, the sound bouncing off the closed car's windows. She clutched the letter to her chest "I want...I need my mom NOW...take me to the mountain...I need to go right now."
"Cassie, we have school".
"I don't give a shit about school, I need to see my mom". Tears were starting to form in her eyes "If you won't take me to the mountain, I'll walk." To Dominic's horror, she opened the car door and made a move to leave.
"Don't Cassie close the door, I'll take you". Breakfast forgotten...Dominic put the car in gear and sped off to take Cassie to her destination.
Jack
Jack was a creature of habit. If he didn't spend the night at SGC before a mission, his routine at home never altered. He got up, showered, quick glance at the sports section of the morning's paper and then he would go to SGC to have breakfast with his teammates before departure. Unlocking his car door, Jack became aware of a piece of paper under the driver side wiper. Lifting the wiper blade, he cautiously removed the paper, first realizing that it was a sealed letter and then recognizing the handwriting as Daniel's. Getting into his SUV, Jack threw the letter onto the passenger seat, started the car and began his morning drive to SGC. His eyes were constantly being drawn over to view the letter sitting on the seat. Concentration lost, Jack maneuvered the car to the side of the road to read Daniel's letter.
Jack,
I beg your forgiveness. I was a harsh judge when you went undercover to infiltrate the ring of SGC personnel stealing technology. I tortured you with the idea of "why couldn't you trust us...me?" Well people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones or place judgement before they walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Jack I have taken up residence in a glass house and my shoes are worn from walking that mile. By the time you are sitting in your car reading this letter I will have long since gated to Nuzar. The Nuzarians required, requested, demanded (It's amazing the linguist in me is not sure what is the correct terminology) only me. General Hammond and Teal'c can give you the remainder of the details. I can only hope that you will be a more forgiving person than I was. I am sorry for the past and I am sorry for what needs to be done now.
Daniel
Jack took the letter and crumbling it in a fit of anger, he threw the paper in the confines of the car. The letter bounced off the closed passenger side window, landing on the dashboard. Jack drove away, mind racing at a thousand possibilities, the largest one his anger at Daniel. Jack also was furious with General Hammond and Teal'c...'Daniel saw fit to confide in Teal'c, but not him. Why not?' At the next light, Jack began to pound the steering wheel in anger, then in frustration and then slowly the emotions dissipated into fear...and the Colonel's pounding of the wheel faded out. Jack took the crumbled letter from the dashboard and with great reverence smoothed it out, folded it and placed it in his jacket pocket. When the light turned green, he continued to the mountain to receive the answers from General Hammond that had not been forthcoming in the letter.
Sam
Sam was also a creature of habit, whether it was ingrained from having a father in the military, her own military training or just her type of personality, one would never know. She would also shower, dress and head towards the mountain to have breakfast with her teammates. But while Jack would read the morning's paper, Sam was a child of the technology world and once she reached SGC, Sam would go to the commissary, grab and coffee and retreat back to her office. Turning on her computer monitor she checked the time before the briefing...almost twenty minutes. Sam smiled to herself, she had noted that Janet's car was already in the parking lot and Daniel's office door was closed...leaving little if anything to the imagination as to what they were doing.
Her computer voice droned "you've got mail" and Sam opened the screen displaying her incoming mail. One was an article from a college colleague she had requested, one from her brother Mark, containing pictures of his family, the last email was from Daniel...checking the time she noted that Daniel had sent it last evening. Leaning back in her chair, finishing the last of her coffee, she opened the email from Daniel.
Dear Sam,
I can see you in my mind sitting at your computer...about twenty minutes before the briefing, sitting in your chair reading your mail, just finished cup of coffee by your side. As I write this, in less than 12 hours I alone will make the journey to Nuzar to ratify this treaty. The Nuzarians desired my singular presence on their planet. There are extenuating circumstances to this agreement, General Hammond and Teal'c can explain them. Sam, I need your strength of spirit. I know you have an abundance of it, I've relied on it plenty of times, through good and bad. Please don't let our friends, our family; be destroyed by the guilt for me gating to Nuzar. If I return I don't want to pick up the pieces of the people I love. Please help Janet and Cassie remember why this needed to be done. Make sure Janet knows how much I love her. Help Jack not let his anger or guilt consume him. The Nuzarians are good people and whatever the outcome, this journey needed to be completed. When I walk up that ramp, even though SG-1's physical presence will be missing, their support and friendship will be my guide.
Love
Daniel
"If" he returns. "If" he returns...In stunned silence, Sam contemplated hitting the delete button. If the email no longer existed, the inferences it contained also would vanish. Sam hit the print button and the printer spit out a hard copy of Daniel's email. She ripped it off the printer and held it to her chest, her heart pounding. Sam's mind began to function in overdrive. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that Janet wasn't with Daniel in his office, Daniel was already on the other side of the universe by now. Janet was in Daniel's office, alone...Sam's first order of business was to help Janet like Daniel requested and Major Carter took off down the halls of SGC at a dead run.
General Hammond and Teal'c sat quietly in the General's office. Hammond again glanced at the clock counting the minutes before he had to justify to the remaining members of SG-1 as to why he let Daniel Jackson go solo on this one. Giving answers that he himself really did not believe. On cue the telephone on his desk rang, breaking the silence.
"Hammond here" Teal'c watched the General nod his head slowly. "Of course, no it's alright. No, I'll send someone to the gate to get her. Thank you". Hanging up the phone, he felt as if he had aged ten years since Dr. Jackson imparted this news to him on Friday.
"That was the front gate. Cassandra Fraiser is there demanding to see either her mother, a member of SG-1 or myself. The front gate has Dr. Fraiser and Major Carter signed in but they are not answering pages." The tired man ran his hands over his face. "It begins Teal'c". The General went to rise from his seat. Teal'c rose placing a hand gently on the General's forearm "I will get CassandraFraiser and bring her here".
"Thank you Teal'c", the General replied gratefully resuming his seat.
"To speak honestly GeneralHammond, I would rather meet Apophis and a battalion of Jaffa than have to face Dr. Fraiser's daughter".
"I understand perfectly Teal'c...I understand".
General Hammond stood after Teal'c departed his office. The need to see the Stargate was overpowering and he moved into the briefing room. With hands clasped behind his back staring through the picture window into the gate room, the General was so completely lost in thought he did not even hear Colonel O'Neill enter. Jack stood next to General Hammond mirroring his position.
"General?" Jack questioned "something you forgot to tell us?"
Turning to his 21C, the General motioned towards the briefing table. He took his customary seat at the head and Jack sat to his left.
"General...I", Jack began.
Hammond silenced Jack with a movement of hand as the door to the office opened, allowing Teal'c followed by Cassie access into the briefing room. Cassie ran to Jack like she was 10 years old again. Dropping her backpack to the floor, she threw her arms around the Colonel. Jack acknowledged Teal'c with a bow of the head which Teal'c returned. Jack's feelings towards Teal'c, and maybe even the General, was one of betrayal. He gently dislodged Cassie's arms from around his neck and guided her to the seat next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, Jack saw Janet and Sam enter the room. Janet looked shell-shocked and something else, Janet looked angry. Actually, angry was too gentle a word. Janet was pissed. Janet took the seat next to Cassie, grabbing her hand to comfort her daughter. Sam sat across from them. Teal'c took the seat to the immediate right for General Hammond. Jack looked across the table in realizing in irony that a chair had been left empty for Daniel.
Before anyone had a chance to say anything, General Hammond repeated to the table members the story conveyed by Daniel Jackson just 72 hours ago, for the sake of Cassie, he left out the 'may not be returning in the same condition that he left'. General Hammond knew that Cassie understood the unspoken truth. It was one thing to use your imagination, another thing to hear your worst fears voiced. General Hammond made sure that they were aware that nothing anyone could have done would have prevented Daniel Jackson from going to Nazur. General Hammond's hands had been tied...the subterfuge of not letting his teammates aware of his plans was Dr. Jackson's doing.
Jack leaned back in his chair, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. Removing them, he shot forward slamming his hands on the briefing table. "What the hell was he thinking? How stupid could he possibly be? Teal'c you knew and didn't say anything? General Hammond? Washington asks you to jump General and you ask how high...you were willing to sacrifice Daniel to get what they wanted? Jack fired the questions off when after another, neither waiting nor requiring an answer.
"Colonel O'Neill...shut up", Janet screamed with vengeance. "How dare you try to place blame on Daniel? We have no one to blame but ourselves." Janet placed her hands gently on the table, almost caressing the surface with her fingers. She hung her head and upon looking up, her eyes were bright with unshed tears.
"What did we expect", Janet asked quietly. "Daniel couldn't be honest with us, we wouldn't let him. Every one of us, with the exception of Cassie, permitted Daniel to get backed into a corner. He let each of us knows how unhappy how consumed, overwhelmed and frightened of failure he was. What did we do? We send him on a vacation...he didn't want that...he wanted us to be there for him...and we failed. We all have to share in this guilt. I know I didn't ask because I was afraid of the answer. I became no better than those bloodsuckers on Capitol Hill. I could taste those research advances". Motioning with her chin towards Sam, "you mentioned on numerous occasions in Daniel's presence the benefit the fusion generators could provide the Earth". Turning with accusatory towards Jack "He knew how you felt about their advance weapons technology. Daniel didn't want to fail; he didn't want to disappoint his friends. As a doctor, I saw he was physically and mentally falling to pieces, but I was terrified to ask him the right questions, I didn't want to know the answers. So I took care of him the best way I knew how, and avoided the obvious".
"Doctor Fraiser...if you were so concerned about Daniel's health, why didn't you speak to General Hammond and not permit him to go through the gate?" Jack asked.
"Why didn't you..." Sam pointed a finger in Jack's direction. "I told you Janet was concerned with Daniel's behavior, and you just brushed it off. And you have the audacity to blame Daniel for this".
This was turning into shambles. Even Teal'c had gotten into the foray when Sam accused him of not confronting Daniel. They were supposed to be a team, a family... Hammond glanced at the only quiet member at the table. Cassie sat head hanging down, arms wrapped around her body, an echo of Dr. Jackson's comfort position. Hammond tried to gather everyone's attention by first clearing his throat. The finger pointing, guilt and accusations kept rebounding around the table. He called out "People". He watched with growing alarm, as the people around the table, were totally oblivious to him and Cassie. Jumping out of the chair and slamming his hands so hard on the table that he felt the pain all the way to his elbows "Enough", he screamed. The silence was immediate and Janet and the members of SG-1 shared a mask of shame on their faces.
Recalling the contents of Daniel's letter, Sam had a sharp intake of breath. 'Daniel was right. We are consumed by our own guilt, twisting it into anger at our friends, our family'. Her heart broke at the sight of Cassie's body language. Before Sam had a chance to gather her ideas into a coherent thought process, General Hammond broke the silence.
"People, sniping at each other and pointing fingers, will not make anyone feel any better about this situation. This is a no win scenario, a waiting game. Based on Dr. Jackson's advice that any dialing of the Stargate to the Nuzarians' home world will negate the treaty, the President has ordered SGC to sit tight and wait for his return. We all know Dr. Jackson well enough to understand that he was always willing to sacrifice himself to benefit others. He always had the ability to place himself in the line of fire to protect an idea. Remember those ideals...honor his beliefs. Dismissed". General Hammond knew that he was going to have to work hard at keeping an SG-1 together for Daniel to return home to and with those thoughts he left the briefing room for his office and closed the door.
Janet was the first to speak. "I'm sorry...I wasn't thinking..."
Jack got up from his chair and gently placed his hands on Janet's shoulder's "Nothing to forgive, we all weren't thinking. Come on Cassie, I'll drive you to school".
For the first time since this ruckus began, Cassie lifted her head and met her mother's concerned gaze. "No. Please let me stay here today with you mom? Please" Cassie's pleading eyes boring into her mother's soul.
Janet gave Cassie a half smile. "I'd like to have you on base with me today, honey."
"Janet, why don't I take Cassie to my lab for the morning, then we will have lunch together and see about this afternoon."
"Thanks Sam". Janet got up slowly, kissed Cassie on the head and stated "I'll be in the infirmary...back to work". Janet left, Teal'c left, Sam left her arm around Cassie's shoulders.
Colonel O'Neill was alone with his thoughts after everyone had departed the briefing room. Drawn to the window overlooking the embarkation room, he placed the palms of his hands against the cool smooth glass. Within moments, he rested his forehead between his palms. "Daniel, how could you, you left me behind. I thought you remembered, no one gets left behind."
Sam entered her lab, there were plenty of things to lose herself in, but she doubted the ability to become consumed enough to not think of Daniel would be happening any time soon. She turned to Cassie who had been silent the whole journey to Sam's lab. Cassie had seated herself in one of the lab chairs; Sam smoothed the young girl's hair away from her face to maybe get a better idea of her mental status.
"Mom was wrong", Cassie whispered softly.
"About what?" Sam inquired taking Cassie's cold hands in her own.
Cassie picked her head up to meet Sam's gaze "I knew he was unhappy, that something was wrong. He came right out and told me".
"Cassie?"
"Daniel never, ever treated me like a child...or my friends. He talks to us and..and he listens when we talk. He never judges me...or anybody else. Some people act like teenagers are invisible, not Daniel. But I didn't listen to him when he needed me." Cassie took a wavering breath and continued "One day, he was driving me to school in mom's car, and I put my favorite CD in, just background music cause, Daniel and I were talking. After one song, Daniel got really quiet and asked if I could hit replay and let the song play out again. I could tell he was listening to the words. When we pulled in front of the school, I remember turning to him to say goodbye and he looked really upset. He told me that's how he felt, like those words in the song. He told me that's how people saw him. I even bought him a copy of the CD for himself, 'cause he enjoyed it so much. I started to kid him about the song, he played it all the time". Cassie started to cry in earnest. "See I knew, and I said nothing...I felt like mom, if I asked him and he told me something I didn't want to hear, then it would become real and I would lose him".
Sam gathered Cassie in her arms. Physical contact slowed the flow of Cassie's tears and Sam heard her mumble "Want to hear the song? I would feel better if someone else listened".
"Of course Cassie", Sam let Cassie go. Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, Cassie rummaged through her backpack pulled out a portable CD player and CD. Placing the CD in the player she placed it on the worktable next to Sam, putting the headphones gently over Sam's ears, Cassie hit the play button and the music and words entered Sam's soul:
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd...but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything...
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me.
Sam could not remember the last time she cried, the last time she hurt enough to remove her emotional barriers. 'We missed it Daniel, it was right in front of us at all times, and we missed it. You never asked for help before, you didn't know how to. This one time you wanted us, needed our help, you gave us all the clues and we didn't listen'. Sam put her face in her hands and began to sob.
The early evening was cold but Colonel O'Neill couldn't bring himself to go inside and get a jacket, he couldn't even manage to retrieve another beer for himself in the kitchen. After the briefing he had spent hours sitting in the infirmary watching Janet cope, sitting in Daniel's office and wandering the haunted halls of SGC, he had needed to escape and he ran. Ran to the place in the world where solace was available. His roof...the place where he could touch the sky. The guilt he felt was overpowering and had numbed his mind and body. This was an incident that should never have happened, an opportunity for the good of Earth that blindsided everyone excluding one. God, the opportunities to stop this before it had gone this far, were so very numerous. Janet's concerns about nightmares Sam echoing Janet's concerns and voicing a few of her own. My god, even Daniel had eluded to them. Running his hands through his short hair and he took a ragged breath. At the briefing Daniel's empty chair sat as a testament to their guilt, Jack had difficulty meeting General Hammond's eyes. The emotion mirrored in the General's eyes was palpable. If only the General had taken up Daniel's threat to withdraw from his work on the treaty...we wouldn't be where we are now.
So many incidents spring to mind...his irritability, letting Janet take him from the infirmary, his fighting with Dr. Warner to leave, knowing that the obelisks on the planet would not be finished by him, he knew his clock was ticking. Even though Daniel informed the General he hadn't been aware of what was required of him until recently, Jack now believed that was another of the lies that Daniel had told to assuage the inevitability of Teal'c's and Hammond's guilt. Jack knew beyond a certainty of doubt, that Daniel knew he was going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice for this treaty. Peering through his rooftop telescope he whispered to the night air "I know you are out there Daniel, just stay safe for us".
Nuzar
Daniel leaned back in his chair enjoying the conversations that were floating around him. Although he had immeasurable trepidation as his placement of Earth's '"finest" in the eyes of the Nuzarians, he felt only comfort and safety around these people. He had tried to convey to the General and Teal'c that it was not the test the Nuzarians wished him to participate in that set off his alarm bells, it was the fact that there was no safety net for him. At this moment in time, he alone in the Nuzarian's eyes was the key to Earth receiving technology.
"All is well, Dr. Jackson?" questioned Cial.
"It's Daniel, please. Yes, everything is fine." Daniel yawned, covering his mouth in embarrassment. "Sorry".
Rising Cial motioned to Daniel to follow him. "Don't be...it has been a long day. I will escort you back to your quarters.
Joining Cial, Daniel had to admit to himself that he was grateful for the chance to rest. In actuality he could not comprehend his state of exhaustion. When he gated here, although it was 0530 Earth time, Nuzar's time was afternoon. The council had greeted him, shown him to his quarters and then escorted him to a dinner in his honor. During dinner, Daniel had attempted to bring the conversation to the required test, but Osta, the High Council leader, had held her hand up. "All in good time, Dr. Jackson". It was said with finality, as close to "shut up, not now" as these people would get. Daniel got the hint, letting the Nuzarians guide the direction of discussion around the dinner table.
Daniel sat at the edge of the bed, on the cusp of sleep. He had showered and changed into sweats when a feeling of exhaustion so encompassing overcame him forcing him to the position he was now in. He gasped and his eyes opened wide momentarily as he felt a presence touch his mind. Daniel's eyelids drifted shut again as he swayed in his sitting position. The overpowering need to rest brought Daniel to a prone position on the bed, where he enveloped himself in the blanket. In a matter of moments a soft yellow beam of light momentarily surrounded his bed and he issued forth a small whimper as the presence again touched his mind.
The Test:
The heat of a desert sun warmed Daniel's face and arms. He breathed deeply of the desert smells, smiling as a long hidden feeling of home and contentment invaded his body and mind.
"Happy?"
Daniel jumped at the sound of a voice so close to his ear. "Cial? This is the test?"
Nodding his head "This and more".
"Where am I?
"Your body is in your quarters, your conscious is here with your memories. No one can see you, but you will view yourself reliving these memories".
"Oh, not always my idea of fun", his arms snaking around his body for comfort. "Why this?"
"Daniel you are aware that we believe in action speaking louder than words. We know you to be a good and fair person. We need to see your actions...in your life... to back up our beliefs" Cial replied patiently
"Are you staying with me, is this like the Christmas Carol, are you the ghost of Christmas Past?" Daniel asked, panic creeping into his voice.
Fixing Daniel with a look of puzzlement he responded "We...the Nuzarians High Council, will observe your life".
"You're telling me that you are watching me replay my life for you, on a screen...the High Council is the audience."
Cial sighed "For want of a better analogy, Daniel yes. Only bits and pieces we are searching for. You may hear us ask questions, answer them to the best of your ability. But be warned, these questions are to answered."
"Earth's capability to obtain technology is going to be based on my memories...my life?" Daniel asked incredulously.
"Did you think we were going to torture you, string you up and draw blood".
Eyes downcast, Daniel replied "Cial, I would have preferred that". Motioning with his hands to encompass the area "To me this is torture".
"I do not understand, Daniel" Cial questioned.
Looking at Cial with a sad smile Daniel answered "You will, Cial, you will". Turning back he noticed Cial had departed.
"Danny? Danny...you're home".
"Mommy".
Daniel's head jerked upright at the sound of the two voices. Almost thirty years had passed, but he still heard that voice in his head. "Mommy", the grown Daniel said softly as the woman appeared from the side of the structure. She dropped to her knees as a small blond boy appeared running up the walk and flung himself into her arms. She picked him up covering him with kisses. "I missed you Danny".
"I missed you too Mommy, but Daddy and I had an enlightening time. Right Dad?"
Daniel swallowed as his father walked to his wife hugging both Claire and Danny together. "You had an enlightening time, Mel?"
'I remember, I remember'...Dad took me to the city...we had dinner with some government officials regarding...' Daniel racked his brain trying to think why he went with his Dad to the city.
"Mel, did you make arrangements for the coverstone to coincide with our arrival at the museum?"
Daniel started to pant as a wave of sickness overcame him accompanying the roaring in his ears. He knew if he didn't sit, he would pass out...but how was that possible if he really wasn't here. Here being Egypt, six weeks before his parent's death.
"Cial", he screamed "I need someone..."
The head of the High Council appeared before Daniel. Gently she bent down until eye level with Daniel.
Panic-stricken, Daniel looked up at her eyes wide with shock. "How come I can feel things, heat of the sun, sadness...emotions...when my body is somewhere other than here".
She looked deep into his eyes answering "The mind is a powerful tool."
Daniel stood up shaking, the full understanding of what she was inferring hitting home. "Oh my god, that's another part of the test my reaction while the events were playing out and how I react to seeing them unfold again. Because now I have the knowledge of the outcome".
He turned away from her, arms wrapped tightly around his upper torso in an attempt to halt the shaking that was threatening to overtake him. "We must commence Daniel".
Closing his eyes, he drew a ragged breath and turned around. She was gone. Daniel took a deep cleansing breath striving to achieve the feeling of contentment that he had experienced when he had first "awoken" to this memory.
Smiling, he watched himself struggle in his mother's arms. "Mommy, put me down...I'm too old to be held like this".
Laughing Claire put him down, kissing the top of his head before releasing him. "No matter how old you are Danny, you will still always be 'my little one'."
"Moommmm".
Daniel chuckled. That was the exasperated tone of voice he used when annoyed with Jack. Shrugging his shoulders he realized 'some things never change'.
He wanted to grab that little boy and to tell him to remember everything, every smell, every voice, every kiss, every hug, because those memories were going to have to last him a lifetime. But he couldn't, so as an adult he approached them slowly, wanting to remember them, wanting so badly to touch them one more time. But this obviously wasn't like the Gamekeeper's planet, his parents couldn't see him, he couldn't participate in the life unfolding before him."
He heard a voice gently ask him "Dr. Jackson, what are you looking at?"
"Happiness, I'm looking at true happiness, it will be countless years before I have it again", Daniel was finally able to admit that statement to himself.
He followed his mother and father as they walked into the house swinging Danny between them. Walking through the door he was taken back by the change in scenery...the house's interior had now become the walls of the Museum of Art. Daniel continued walking through the cavernous halls, well aware of what would be waiting for him at the end. Daniel actually heard his parents before seeing them. Voices echoing through the museum, Mel and Claire were issuing orders to the crew. Quickening his pace, upon entering the room, Daniel looked down at his younger self involved in an activity on the floor. Daniel quickly glanced at his parents standing under the coverstone. Closing his eyes and wishing them a silent goodbye, he turned his back on the scene and concentrated on Danny, sitting on the floor coloring. Daniel remembered his parents buying a pad and colored pencils for him to draw with. The promise of a special dinner if Danny could just be quiet and let his parents finish. Daniel sat on the floor with his back to the coverstone facing Danny.
"Why don't you wish to watch your parents, Daniel?"
"I've seen the scene before" was the answer that Daniel gave. The question was repeated countless times by the High Council his answer obviously insufficient to meet their needs...Daniel chose to ignore them. He grimaced as he felt their presence touch his mind with more acuity. Daniel chose to forego answering despite the increasing pain and his concentration was focused solely on the little boy in front of him.
Daniel had seen his parents die too many times on the Gamekeeper's planet, and had no desire to have that scene replayed. Daniel wished he could grab his younger self from this room and run, living with their death at been horrible, witnessing it had been the worst nightmare imaginable leaving Daniel with a lifetime of scars. Danny was bent over concentrating on his coloring when the whine of a straining wench drew his attention towards his parents' work area. "Mommy?" Daniel's breathing quickened becoming synchronized with Danny's. The chain gave way and the coverstone fell with a deafening crash, Danny's eyes widened in shock; Daniel's eyes filled with tears. Even though he knew it was impossible, Daniel made a grab to hold onto this child before he reached the coverstone. And the blood, Daniel remembered with sickening clarity all the blood pooling at the base of the coverstone. Danny passed right through him screaming "No" with heartbreaking anguish. Daniel drew his legs tightly to his chest resting his head on his knees. He flung his arms over his head effectively covering his ears to shut out the anguished cries he had made so many years ago.
"Sorry...so sorry Dr. Jackson. Sorry..." the hushed voices of the High Council reverberated in Daniel's mind and for a moment in their shock, the Council released their hold on him and the hard floor of the museum became the bed in his quarters. Within seconds, Daniel felt them drawing him back but not before he was able to curl into a fetal position coccooning himself in the blanket for comfort.
The next cessation of memories became a repeating nightmare. Foster home after foster home. The Nuzarians couldn't grasp the concept and continuously questioned Daniel with "Who took care of you".
Always Daniel responded sadly "Myself".
The concept of no one wanting a child was incomprehensible to the Nuzarians. If a misfortune happened within the Nuzarian family, gladly a neighbor, friend, distant relative or even a stranger would welcome these children with open arms. Children to the Nuzarians were believed to be a blessing, were revered and belonged to all. The Nuzarians were of the belief that their children were the gateway to the future.
The High Council received a front row seat as to how Daniel was treated when misfortune fell across his hearth. From the Peterson's home, where he was one of six ignored foster children, to the Winston's with the drunken abusive father, to the Schultz's, who were god fearing people and came home and beat their children every Sunday after church. The High Council made sure that Daniel took a walk down memory lane with almost each and every family.
"This home is different Daniel", stated Ular.
Leaning against the kitchen wall, Daniel inhaled deeply. "Yes, this one was different. I was happy here...happy as I could possibly be. And love. They loved me...and I was okay with that."
Daniel took in the scene in the small comfortable kitchen. He was sitting with his foster parents the Lowes; he was what 15, 16 years old already he had received his college acceptance. They were older than most of the parents Daniel had lived with. Ellen Lowes was a teacher Patrick Lowes a professor of history at the local college. Daniel was a challenge to them, smart and bright and he had blossomed the three years he had been under their care. Daniel remembered as tears filled his eyes..."I let them call me Danny, no one besides my parents ever called me that".
Cial asked with concern "You were alright then, you had your family".
Trying not to lose patience Daniel responded "Cial my family died when I was eight years old. What I had were two people I cared for very much, who loved me and I was grateful because they led me that last step of the way."
"They must be proud of you now Daniel" Osta asked gently.
"No, they died in an accident before I even made it home for Christmas break." Daniel did not stem the flow of tears that fell as the warm kitchen melded into a cold college dorm room. He now stood, arms wrapped around his body for comfort being mirrored by his younger self, the telegram informing him of the accident crumpled on the bed.
"The state found you another family, a good family for you to live with, correct," Ular inquired.
"No, I was too old. I became a ward of the state and lived happily ever after for quite some time looking after myself. I don't mean to sound bitter", the college dorm melded into the library. "I made friends and was happy. I was in my element. I was learning...that's what I used to get me by. My thirst for knowledge".
Daniel led the Nuzarians through his maze of memories of college and graduate work. The memories halted at his work with Dr. Jordan. Looking at his younger self, Sarah, and Steven he remembered what they had been fondly called the "Three Musketeers". While it lasted, those had been wonderful times, those three wonder kids had doors opened for them in academia that Daniel could only dream about during his younger college days.
The memory crystallized into Dr. Jordan's lab, where the three were arguing.
"What is happening Daniel?" Cial questioned.
"My beliefs interfered with our friendship. I believed that the pyramids were older than the Egyptian culture, " Daniel sighed heavily "and I was left going down with the ship".
"You fought for your convictions", Osta said "There is nothing wrong with that".
"I lost two good friends and respected Dr. Jordan enough not to drag him down with me...so the path I took was lonely".
Daniel now stood in the back of an auditorium watching his younger self lecture to an almost empty hall.
"This is what my colleagues thought of my convictions", Daniel said sadly gesturing with his arms at the hall. His frown became a smile as he recalled one very special person, who attended that lecture. "But see that person there", Daniel said pointing "that person, in that one seat, with one idea changed my life like no one else had ever done."
"Who was she Daniel?" Ular questioned.
"She is Catherine. Catherine put the Stargate and me together like two pieces in a puzzle. She believed I could open the gate and...well, I had no where else to turn. Later SG-1 gave her a gift in return. One of the best things I believe was ever done through the Stargate".
The scene melded into the room that housed the language of the Ancients. "We brought the love of her life, Ernest, back to her. He had been stranded on this planet for over fifty years".
Daniel walked around listening to his longhaired self from 5 years ago explain the room that contained the writings of the Ancients to those standing with him. A sudden realization just occurred to Daniel "Wow, guys, can we stay here for awhile or come back later. Whatever you want. When we are finished...cause I can... you see I can be here for a while and try to decipher. I didn't have time before with the storm...with the rush and everything. Everything was lost, but see if it's in my memory and I would....
"Daniel", Osta called quietly, attempting to get his attention.
"But if you have patience" Daniel was practically vibrating with excitement.
"Daniel", Osta reprimanded Daniel as one would an errant child. "Later".
Taking a deep breath Daniel replied "Later is good".
"Tell us about the Gamekeeper". Cial asked.
"Can't you pull my memories...isn't that what you are doing?" Daniel asked confused.
"No, Daniel. We are searching and prodding, we can take them, but prefer that you offer them freely". Ular explained patiently.
Osta answered "Daniel we are supposed to ask you the questions, remember. Now about the Gamekeeper".
"No", Daniel answered emphatically.
"No is not an option Daniel. Both of our planets have quite a lot riding on your cooperation".
"I know, but..." Daniel fell to his knees holding his head. He bit back a moan as he squeezed his eyes shut in pain. The Nuzarians were taking their "prodding" to the next level of pain. Opening his eyes slowly, he once again found himself in the Museum of Art. Kneeling in the line of vision of the younger version of himself and Sam dressed in 70's clothing. Holding his head and standing upright on shaky legs. "Well that was interesting. I obviously have no say in this matter. Hope you don't mind if I stand in the back of the room, seeing this once in a lifetime was once too many."
The High Council has reached their limit "Stop Dr. Jackson. Stop and listen to us...you knew the rules and the ideals before you stepped through the Stargate".
Daniel halted, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle. Suddenly acutely aware that there was no one watching out for him, no one guarding his six. "Sorry". Daniel barely had a moment to catch his breath before the pain and bombardment of questions started. Watching his parents be crushed beneath the coverstone and the ensuing questions, left Daniel confused and disheartened over the turn of events and he began questioning if he was wrong about the Nuzarians.
Daniel no longer attempted to suppress any "requested" memories. If he felt the High Council prodding him, he gave it over. Standing over himself and Hathor while she raped him in the VIP room at the SGC not that many years ago sickened Daniel. He felt a piece of his conscious break and knew it would be a matter of time before the High Council would hit on the correct memory before he shattered.
The Unas, Nox, Tollans, Enkarans, and the Gadmeer. The High Council and Daniel visited them and others. Questions that Daniel would never have asked, never wanting to know the answers, were brought to the forefront and answers forced.
'And lest we not forget children, on our vacation we saw Sokar, Apophis, Seth, Cronos, Osiris and the Destroyer of Worlds. Also we must remember the fun time had by all when we had the option to blow up a submarine with your team mates on it or watch them get eaten by Lego bugs' Daniel said to himself, channeling Jack. Daniel gave free access to Urgo, SG1's clones, Jack and Teal'c's time loops thinking that maybe even the High Council could use a laugh.
There was no rhyme or reason in the order the High Council pulled memories. Daniel was a little peeved when he stood in an ISO room gazing at a very recent memory of him and Janet curled on the bed sleeping IV's and oxygen running into his prone body. "Stop! This has nothing to do with me being an equitable and fair man. This is voyeurism. Leave these memories alone". Daniel yelled.
"Quiet" Osta reprimanded. "Daniel something is wrong with this memory. A part that will have repercussions is hidden".
The High Council had again warmed to Daniel once he permitted free domain of all his memories; Daniel treated their change in attitude with uneasiness. "Daniel, stand quietly and open yourself to this memory. I'm sorry Daniel, but I feel a strong need to unlock whatever is covered here."
Osta appeared before Daniel her presence forcing eye contact. Something happened in this room...can you tell me anything".
Swallowing audibly Daniel began. He began to tell Osta the complete story of the entity, Janet and Cassie, Jack, Sam and Teal'c. In this one-on-one session with Osta he unveiled himself; not as Daniel Jackson, mediator; not the archeologist, Dr. Jackson; nor the explorer, a vital member of SG-1. Daniel uncovered to Osta the man that made up all those people. Osta was taken back by what she perceived to be the complete and utter honesty of Daniel Jackson.
Osta pointed drawing his attention to the room around him. Daniel shook his head. "This is like a tickle, a dream...I can almost grab it". Daniel's eyes opened widely as his memory returned. "I had IV's and oxygen and was uncomfortable, but I..." Daniel closed his eyes rocking back and forth on his heels as the memory came forth and played out in front of them. Opening his eyes, I remember, Janet had left...and I was waiting for Jack to come back, he was really pissed at Janet..."
"Daniel", Osta cried impatiently.
Shaking his head "Sorry" As Daniel voiced his returning memory, "I remember Dr. Lyons and two men in uniform that I didn't recognize then...but I recognize them now. They were in the briefing room the night before I left to come here. Dr. Lyons came in, injected me with something, and mentioned to me that...that...that Washington had enough of sick and missing archeologists and that I had to be up and working on this treaty. Ohmigod...he works for SGC...and he's probably NID". Daniel immediately began pacing. "I recall the pain, it was horrific. I drifted in and out of consciousness; Lyons lied to SG-1 and the other doctors about the entity leaving residual.... can't recall all of it. Just the pain...and he threatened me. Told me the best part about this was that I wouldn't be able to tell Jack anything because I wouldn't remember...but I do. I need to go back now, to tell them". Daniel begged Osta.
"No", the High Council answered as one. "You need to stay and finish what you started Daniel.
"Please...let me go home. I started nothing. The High Council chose me. Washington chose me. I'm still in the dark about what you need from me, what you are searching for. I want to end this game." Daniel looked at Osta with pleading eyes, he was close to breaking, he knew, she knew and she was trying to prevent it.
Osta stated "Understand this Daniel. What we are doing is not a game. There is no turning back. Our laws and society dictate this must be carried through to a conclusion. There must be one fair and equitable person on your planet to warrant our sharing technology. As hard as these memories are, see the big picture, this is about benefiting Earth... this is not being done to torture you." Daniel hung his head and Osta continued "Your body in the quarters is reaching the end of its endurance."
"I...I don't understand", Daniel stammered.
"Your body is not in a stasis chamber it is just taking up residence in that room. Your body has only been at rest; your conscious is here, so REM sleep cannot be achieved. In the four days you have been here, there has been no partaking of nourishment or sleeping".
Incredulously Daniel echoed, "Four days?" Images of friends and family waiting home starting crowding his thoughts pushing out his ability to think clearly.
Softly Osta reminded Daniel "To go home, we must finish".
Eyes closed and head bowed, Daniel acquiesced.
"Tell us about the memory you have managed to keep hidden from us...tell us about Abydos".
Daniel answered with silence.
The question was insistently repeated "Tell us about Abydos".
The pain brought Daniel to his knees again and then gradually subsided. Daniel awkwardly pulled himself to a standing position. Osta had returned to wherever the High Council was and with a sigh Daniel began. Reminiscent of the beginning of this nightmare, he again felt the desert heat warm his body. The desert sounds and smells enveloped him. In full lecture mode, Daniel spoke of his first mission with Jack, Feretti, Kawalsky and General West. Ra and the people of Abydos. Sha're. Kasuf. Skaara. The destruction of Ra, the people of Abydos freed. Jack leaving to return to Earth, Daniel's happiness...a sense of belonging...a family. Finding the cartouche room. Uncovering the Stargate...a box of tissues...SGC returning ...Apophis...the real nightmare beginning.
What he wasn't prepared for was the next question. "Daniel, why did you open the Stargate at Abydos. After a year, why. Weren't you happy? Hadn't you been looking for happiness?" Didn't you want to spend you life with Sha're?"
Daniel had asked this question of himself thousands of times. "It wasn't enough that I was happy...I opened the gate not to dial other worlds, but in the hopes that someone from Earth would return to Abydos. I was terrified that I would never be able to share my discovery with anyone. My wife spent the remainder of her life as a Goa'uld because I was so hell bent on being right. I wanted to make sure no one was ever going to leave a lecture that I gave again. My egotistical attitude eroded my ability to foresee the consequences of my actions and I destroyed the people of Abydos and my wife. She paid with her life because of my arrogance".
Pausing, Daniel shifted his stance. Sliding to the floor, Daniel pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them for comfort. The memories were rolling over one another, the shifting of scenery taking on a roller coaster affect. Daniel spoke for hours, occasionally halting to regain control. He never moved finally closing his eyes against the onslaught of memories. Listening to Sha're's voice evoked unspeakable emotions within him. Daniel's mind would not permit him to open his eyes and look upon her. Daniel refused to gaze upon his younger self. In reality Daniel wanted to take that person and throttle him, make him see the happiness before him; tell him that contentment and joy was in front of his face, not through the Stargate. The guilt Daniel felt from his actions without gazing upon her was destroying him. His only awareness of the change in setting was the feel of the air or the sound of the voices from his memories. Daniel spoke of Ammonnet, returning to Abydos, delivering her baby, promising to protect the child. Ammonet attempting to kill him, Teal'c killing Ammonet...freeing Sha're. Sha're's message through the ribbon device. Locating Kheb, locating the child, Oma Desala. Leaving Kheb, leaving Sha're's son behind. The dream Shifu imparted to Daniel. Sha're gone...Shifu gone...dream gone.
"Daniel, you remember the knowledge from the dream".
Daniel lifted his head in surprise. "No" and with frightening intensity he added to the High Council. "Do not prod...I do not want to remember".
"Why" Cial questioned.
"A wise person once told me the only way to win the battle, was to deny it." Daniel replied again resting his chin on his knees. He waited a few minutes, actually astonished that the High Council was willing to accept that answer. "I beg you, please leave that memory alone." Daniel paused, feeling the Nuzarians "prodding" gritting his teeth and refusing to give over that memory. "I will die rather than giving anyone access to that memory".
"But the knowledge the Harcesis child had...if you could remember it, Earth would need no allies in your battle."
Daniel answered wearily "Earth is richer for encountering some of our allies. Richer than if I retained the knowledge of the Harcesis...and far safer. Daniel cradled his head in his arms; the pain intensifying as the Nuzarians attempted to reach the hidden memories of the dream. Daniel built an imaginary wall around the knowledge stubbornly refusing to give the Nuzarians entry. As the pain increased in magnitude, Daniel was aware that his surroundings had changed and that his consciousness had been returned to his body in his quarters. Stiffly he rolled off the bed and fell; his hands and knees impacted the floor painfully. The nausea was overwhelming forcing Daniel to vomit as the pain's tentacles reached down his neck and traveled his spine. Still Daniel held firmly and refused to submit to the Nuzarians. "Give us access to view the memories Daniel".
"No. I would rather die". Daniel's last thought before losing consciousness was how badly he had misjudged the Nuzarians and how he failed the people of Earth and SGC.
Osta stood making eye contact with the High Council members surrounding Daniel in his quarters "I must ready myself to visit Earth". Glancing down at the still figure curled in a fetal position at her feet the sadness evident in her eyes. "The test has been completed."
TBC
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