Dreaming of Mary Sues, Part 2

by Vanessa Nichols and Wendy Parkinson

---

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

M is for Maybourne, the Sparkiest of Rats...

"Come on Kawalsky, we'll catch them if we hurry!" Daniel started off down the corridor in pursuit of Ness and Wendy. When he realised he wasn't being followed, he stopped and turned round. "Kawalsky?"

Charlie Kawalsky stared down the corridor as if he'd seen a ghost. He shook his head dumbly.

Daniel walked back to the frightened officer. "Charlie?" he said gently.

"No way," murmured Kawalsky. "There's no way I'm following those two without at least two squads of marines for backup."

The archaeologist sighed. It was too late now, anyway. Ness and Wendy would have got away. "Let's get back to the General's office and report what we know."

Kawalsky nodded mutely in agreement and the two men set off.

When they reached Hammond's office, Sam, Jack, Teal'c and Janet were already there. As soon as he saw Kawalsky, Jack walked over and slapped him on the back. "Good to see you again, Charlie! Siobhan treating you well?"

"Great, Jack. But you've got a major problem here on base."

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Two strange women running around. We haven't found them yet, but we will."

"We've just seen them, Jack," said Daniel, taking off his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose. "Charlie recognised them."

Jack went white. "My god! You recognised them from one of our black ops missions? They're spies?" He was horrified at the prospect.

"No. The two strange women are Ness and Wendy from the mailing list."

There was a moment's stunned silence, then Sam, Hammond, Jack and Janet said in unison, "I want to talk to them!"

Teal'c added, "I also wish to engage them in conversation."

"Oh, tell me about it!" said Daniel with feeling, shooting a quick look at Janet, who winked at him. He rubbed his hand across his face.

There was a knock at the door. It opened, revealing a very embarrassed Lieutenant Paige. "You wanted to see me, sir?" he said to the General.

"Yes, son. It's about the women you were escorting."

"Ms Solo and Ms Jones? The one's that got away. I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't worry about that for now. By all accounts they're tricky customers. What I want to know is who authorised their passes."

"Colonel Maybourne, sir."

Jack snorted with derision. "I thought Ness and Wendy were better than that. Getting involved with Maybourne, of all people!"

Hammond dismissed Paige and turned to his staff. "I'm going to call Maybourne to try and find out what's going on." Before he had chance his phone rang. He picked it up. "Is he? Send him down... for once I'm pleased to see him." He replaced the receiver on its cradle. "Speak of the devil. Maybourne's just arrived at the base and is requesting to see me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

N is for Needing reinforcements...

Ness peered through the crack in the door. "I think we can probably go now. I can't see anyone." She began to open the door further, only to slam it shut suddenly. "Damn. Simmon's is coming this way--he's the last person we need to run into." She sighed. "Getting out of here isn't going to be easy." When her friend didn't respond, Ness turned round and saw Wendy studying a large map of the world pinned to the wall. "Wen?"

"Mmm."

"What are you doing? We're supposed to be escaping, not looking at maps."

"I was wondering about calling for reinforcements. I've found Colorado Springs." She pointed at the map. "Which list members are near here?"

Ness shrugged and looked over Wendy's shoulder. "Lola's in California, which is there." She indicated a spot to the left of Colorado Springs.

"And so's Sue." They stared at the map. "I'm sure they'd both help. If Lola isn't too busy analysing siren noises, that is."

Ness glared at her, before deciding to ignore the dig. "And just how far do you reckon it is from here to there?"

"About four inches?"

"Be serious!"

"I am! It can't be far, can it?"

Ness pointed to the right of the map. "Er, Wen, look how big Britain is."

Wendy looked at Britain, then again at the USA. "We're on our own," she muttered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O is for Opening another can of worms...

Colonel Maybourne swallowed hard when he entered General Hammond's office. He really hadn't wanted to explain why he was here in front of an audience.

"Take a seat, Colonel," said Hammond smoothly. "There's something we'd like to know."

Maybourne's eyes swivelled nervously around the room. "Yes?" he said weakly.

"Why did you authorise visitor's passes for Vanessa Nichols and Wendy Parkinson?"

"That's between me and them," Maybourne answered evasively.

"Cut the crap, Sparky," said Jack. "We know who they are and that they're here... Somewhere. What we want to know is how you got involved and *why* they're here."

Maybourne decided that on this occasion, he'd try telling the truth. It might confuse them. "They wanted to visit the baby. Wendy approached me for the passes."

"That makes sense," Janet piped up then. "They told me they were with CM Enterprises..."

"CM Enterprises?" repeated Jack.

"Cloning Machine Enterprises," Sam filled in for him. Jack sent her a grateful look.

"... and that they'd been monitoring the progress of Sammy-Wammy's pregnancy." Janet finished.

Hammond sighed. "As if they don't monitor enough things around here."

Maybourne nodded. "They are rather covert. We've actually been meaning to talk to them for some time now... we want to know who gives them their information, and how. We think there's a lot we can learn from their operation."

At the sound of his voice, everyone turned and glared at him.

"What?" he asked defensively, crossing his arms. "That list is a global network that knows more about this Base then we do on occasion. We could have a very serious security breach here!"

Daniel snorted. "So you decided to compound that by giving two of the list's ringleaders papers into the Base. Very generous of you, Colonel," he finished with a touch of sarcasm in his voice to rival that of Jack's.

Jack shook his head. "Nah, something about this doesn't make sense. They may know a lot, but their interests in us," he glanced at Sam nervously. "Are largely biased. I doubt there's a security risk involved here."

Hammond nodded. "I agree. So what did you want in return Colonel? Honestly." asked the General.

Maybourne swallowed nervously and looked around. Deciding he may as well come clean, he sighed and then mumbled, "Wendy agreed to put me in one of her stories."

"So you were feeling a little left out, were you Maybourne?" said Jack, sarcasm coating his voice.

Sam cleared her throat, hoping the story didn't feature a Sam/Maybourne pairing. She shuddered, then asked, "So why are you here today, sir?"

Maybourne pouted. "She hasn't posted anything yet. I wanna to know when my story's coming out!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P is for Panicking, the one thing we must not do...

"What are going to do?" Wendy asked then, turning away from the map. "We're stuck in a room that someone is sure to find us in sooner or later, with no idea of how to get to the surface without being seen..."

"We need to get to a computer."

"... and--what?"

"A computer," Ness repeated. "Reinforcements in person won't work, but maybe we can get some help anyway."

Wendy looked around the room they were stuck in. There was a map on the wall, a bed, an empty closet, and not much else. "I don't see one." she offered, aware that the information wasn't really helpful.

Ness rolled her eyes. "Really?" she quipped sarcastically, before shaking her head. "Alright, let's think about this for a moment--where can we find a computer?"

Wendy shrugged. "Everywhere," she answered finally. "The whole Base seems to be in on the emailing thing."

Nodding, Ness agreed. "Yeah, I know. At first it was just me talking to Daniel. Then Janet started sending me info on all their missions for the list, and Sam and Jack found my email addy on Daniel's computer... Simmon's found it through the archive, as did Hammond, and the clones from overhearing SG1 talk about the list. With every new digest, it seems, another member of the SGC starts to email me..."

"... and now me." Wendy added. "I still think you should have asked me first before telling them all they could email me."

"I did!" Ness protested, looking a little guilty.

Wendy narrowed her eyes. "*After* you sent them my email addy, you mean."

Ness shrugged. "The email was delayed--I told you I was having ISP problems at the time..." she defended herself, before shaking her head. "Anyway--this isn't helping... we need to find a computer." Moving back to the door, she cracked it open again. Satisfied that the way was clear for the moment, she turned back to her friend. "Come on--let's go."

"Alright," Wendy muttered, following Ness. "But if we run into any proverbial lions, tigers or bears..." she let her voice trail away suggestively.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q is for Questioning your friends, when you really need some information...

"Aha!"

Looking up, Ness saw Wendy standing in the doorway of what looked like someone's office. "Found one?" she asked, moving over to her friend.

Wendy nodded, moving further into the room as Ness shut the door behind them. "One computer, as ordered." She watched as Ness moved over to sit at the desk, cautiously shifting a precarious stack of files to one side. "So now that you have the computer, what are you going to do?"

"Log in," Ness answered, clicking on the IE icon. "We need details about this Base--ways in and out, preferably with the least amount of people contact." As she waited for her email inbox to load, she looked at Wendy thoughtfully. "So, who do we know who would have those kind of details?"

Wendy shrugged for a moment, and then brightened. "AQ--she has Jack and Sam doing it after just about every episode--surely she would know of the people-quiet areas."

Ness shook her head. "Nah--if we need sex details, she'd have 'em, but most of her fics don't spend much time on the surroundings detail." She was silent for a moment as she thought about it. "I know, what about Alli? Her fics are always good for..."

Now it was Wendy's turn to shake her head. "If we needed info about alien worlds, Alli'd be our man... woman... but she doesn't use the SGC that much."

Sighing, Ness nodded, absently checking for latest emails whilst Wendy kept an eye on the door.

"Tiffany?"

"Siobhan?"

"Jill?"

"Kelly?"

"Jez?"

"DustDevil?"

"Jen?"

"Angel?"

"You wrote Blackout... that was set in the SGC..." Ness offered suggestively.

Wendy shook her head. "It was set in one lab--in pitch blackness. Anyway, what about you? You've set fics here before..."

"The locker room and the gate room, yes. Other than that--nada."

Both women sighed.

"I know!" Wendy said a moment later. "Why don't you just send a general email to the list--maybe one of the lurkers would know..."

Ness shook her head. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of--the lurkers reading the email." At Wendy's confused look, Ness explained. "Or have you forgotten about a particular lurker that we're currently hiding from?"

"Oh," Wendy murmured, "Yes, I suppose that would be a bit daft then."

Ness nodded sagely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

R is for Really desperate...

Ness got up and started pacing up and down the room. Wendy took her place at the computer and started typing.

"Wen, what are you doing?"

"Mailing the list."

"We just agreed that would be a daft thing to do."

"I was humouring you. We've got to do something, Ness. These are desperate circumstances. And in any case, Daniel won't be checking his mail. They're all looking for us."

Ness let out a huge sigh. "I hope you're right." She leant over Wendy's shoulder. "What have you put?"

Wendy pointed to the e-mail on the screen.

~~~
From: Wendy Parkinson
To:
Sent: 09 November 2000
Subject: [samandjack] question for story
Does anyone know of a website that has a plan or diagram of the layout of the SGC?

Thanks in advance.

Wendy

~~~

"Now we wait," said Wendy.

"I'm not sure if waiting here is such a good idea," said Ness. "If he is checking his mail, they'll probably be able to track which computer that came from. I think we ought to find another one."

"Hang on, we've got a reply! Pepsi's got a plan of the base, she's asked if she should send it off list."

"Say yes, and let's get out of here."

"Okay." Wendy quickly replied to Pepsi's mail.

~~~

From: Wendy Parkinson
To: pepsicola
Sent: 09 November 2000 09:37
Subject: Re: [samandjack] question for story

> > Does anyone know of a website that has a plan or diagram of the layout of
> > the SGC?

> I have a picture somewhere of the plan from Into The Fire, but I think
> that's the only way you can see plans. It's also all on one level, so it
> won't be much use if characters are going up and down in the elevators. :)
> If you want the picture, please e-mail me off-list.
> Pepsi

Thanks Pepsi. The characters are using the elevators but under the circumstances, every little bit helps. If you could forward the pic I'd be grateful.

Thanks again.

Wendy

~~~

"Done and dusted. Let's go!" Wendy carefully opened the door a crack and squinted through. "I think we're safe," she whispered, opening the door a little further. Both women crept out and began to make their way down the corridor. They heard voices approaching from in front of them. "Oh hell!" muttered Wendy. They both frantically looked round and then dived for the nearest door. They ran in, slamming it shut behind them. They stood transfixed, just inside the room. "Er... Ness?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

S is for Steamy Situations...

"Yeah?"

"My specs have steamed up."

"It is kind of warm."

"And steamy." Wendy took off her glasses and tried polishing them on a corner of the camouflage shirt she was wearing. It didn't really help. "I don't think there's going to be a computer in here."

"I wonder if..." Ness began, only to stop dead when they heard a voice singing.

"I ain't nothin' but a hound dog, crying all the time..."

"Elvis?" whispered Wendy in confusion. "So he isn't dead? Do you think he's been hiding out at Area 51 all these years?"

"Wen, don't be ridiculous. This must be the locker room and that's *someone* singing in the shower."

The voice warbled, "... I ain't never caught a rabbit and she ain't no friend of mine."

"The locker room? A'la'Broca Divide?"

"Guess so."

"Wonder if it's Jack?" The two women paused for thought for a moment, letting their imaginations run wild, eyebrows raised.

The voice stopped singing and shouted, "Is anyone there?"

"Oh damn!" Wendy muttered.

"Is anyone there?" the voice repeated.

Dropping her voice several octaves, Ness replied, "Yeah, who's that?"

"Graham Simmons, who's that?"

Ness and Wendy looked at each other in horror. "Should have guessed," muttered Ness. "That man's obsessed with dogs."

Wendy whispered, "Time to go whoosh."

Ness nodded in agreement and started to open the door. Both women jumped a mile when it revealed a janitor standing on the other side, holding a mop and bucket. He tipped his head on one side and looked at them curiously.

"Excuse us," said Ness hurriedly, dragging Wendy past him. They headed off down the corridor at a brisk trot.

"Do you reckon that was Brad Wright?" gasped Wendy, as they jogged along.

"Could have been. The description fits," said Ness, shooting her friend a grin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

T is for Technology, where would we be without it...

"For crying out loud, they've got to be somewhere!" exclaimed Jack in frustration.

"We've looked everywhere, sir." Sam shrugged.

Teal'c added, "Perhaps they have already left the base, O'Neill."

Daniel sighed deeply and sat down at his desk. He logged in and absently checked his mail. Scanning down the list mails he said, "No, they're haven't. They're still here."

"How do you know?" asked Sam.

Daniel turned to his team-mates and grinned. "They just mailed the list asking for a map of the base."

"They're lost?" Jack was incredulous.

The archaeologist nodded, then turned to Sam. "Can you tell where they sent that mail from?"

"It'll take me a few minutes, but yeah, I should be able to." She sat down and began to type.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

U is for Uh-oh, busted...

"This will do," said Ness. "There's a computer in here."

Wendy sat down and logged in. "Brilliant! Pepsi's sent the plan. I'll just print it off, then we can get out of here."

Two minutes later, they were heading back down the corridor, towards the lift. Stopping in front of it, they grinned at each other and Ness pressed the button. The doors opened. The women's mouths dropped open in horror.

"Ness..." said Daniel.

"And Wendy," added Jack.

"Pleased to meet you at last," said Sam.

"We have been searching for you for some time," said Teal'c.

"You really shouldn't have started using our computers. It made you very easy to track," said Jack.

"I wouldn't say 'easy', sir," protested Sam.

"Yeah, when you checked your mail and received the map, we knew *exactly* where you were," added Daniel.

Wendy puffed her cheeks out and tried not to look at Ness, who muttered, "This is all your fault," under her breath. Sighing deeply, she shrugged.

"Okay, we're busted." She held out her hands, wrists together, waiting to be handcuffed. Wendy followed suit.

Jack smiled. "Ladies, I really don't think that will be necessary. We just want to ask you a few questions."

"Quite a few," agreed Daniel. "Starting with 'why haven't you been answering our mails?'"

And before the women could do or say anything else, they found themselves promptly taken away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

V is for Victory, at last...

"Now listen guys, I can explain..." Ness protested quickly.

Across from her, Daniel and Janet folded their arms, features creased in expectation. After being captured at the lifts, the women had been separated--Jack and Sam cordoning Wendy into one interrogation room and Daniel taking Ness into another. Teal'c had gone off in search of Hammond and Janet, sending the latter down to where Daniel and Ness were. Hammond was apparently trying to console the still-terrified Kawalsky.

"We're listening," Daniel prompted.

Ness gulped. At least there were no artefacts in the room they were in. "Um, well, ok... see what happened is that you guys--and the others--started emailing me so much--which was a good thing, don't get me wrong--that my ISP got really cranky with me... and well, that's why I told you all to email Wendy for awhile."

She held her breath as a silence filled the room.

"We know that," Janet said then, breaking the silence. "And we said we were sorry but--"

"But Wendy didn't have the answers we needed!" Daniel finished for the doctor.

Janet nodded in agreement.

Ness groaned... she should have known it would take more than a quick plea of truth to get her out of this one.

"Now," started Daniel, sounding more and more like General Hammond with every passing moment. "Just what is going on with this danandjan list?"

Janet shot him a dirty look, but sent one of expectation to Ness again.

Squirming, Ness tried for evasion. "You don't like the idea of a list being devoted to you?" she asked innocently.

Now it was Daniel's turn to fishmouth. "Well, yes..." he managed after a moment. "But the *content* has me more than a little worried."

Before Ness could answer, Janet turned towards the archaeologist, hands moving to her hips. "Why?"

Daniel looked embarrassed. "Well, see, look Janet, you're one of my best friends..."

"Thank you."

"And I like you, honest..."

"That's good to know."

"But..."

Narrowing her eyes at the archaeologist, Janet glared. "But what?" she asked. "But you think the idea of me and you is repulsive? You think *I'm* repulsive?" her voice rose dangerously on the end of her sentence.

Daniel's eyes went wide. "No! Of course not! It's just that..." Shooting a dirty look at Ness, he wondered just which of his precious artefacts would do the most damage if he threw it at her.

"Just what?" Janet demanded angrily.

"It's just that I've never really thought of you in *that* *way*!" he answered in the end.

"Well maybe you should *start*!" Janet responded, her voice more than a little furious.

Eyes wide, Ness watched the two argue for another moment before deciding on what may be a suicidal action, but was at the very least worth a shot.

"Um, guys?" she asked timidly.

Both rounded on her. "What?!" they shouted.

Holding her hands up in mock surrender, Ness tried to smile. "Whoa! Back off a moment," she paused to consider how to word the rest of her answer. "I was just going to suggest a... deal... of sorts."

Taking deep breaths, the two SGC members looked at each other for a moment and then at Ness.

"We're listening." Daniel answered.

With a deep breath of her own, Ness smiled. "Ok. Here's the deal--I'll cancel the danandjan list..."

Janet gasped in horror, whilst Daniel smiled.

"... *if*," Ness grinned. "You two kiss."

One... two... three...

"What?!" shouted Daniel again.

Ness nodded. "Yup, that's the deal. You two have to kiss--right here, right now--and if you can honestly tell me after that there's absolutely *no* *chance* for the two of you, I'll erase the danandjan list from existence."

Janet grinned--this was just the excuse she needed to get her hands on Daniel... without the guise of medicine getting the way either. "Agreed." she answered happily.

"Daniel?" Ness prompted.

Looking like he was about to pass out, Daniel slowly nodded. "A-alright," he stammered. "But only so that..." at the look on Janet's face, he wisely shut up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

W is for Why, why, why...

"Alright, we want answers."

Wendy smiled, undeterred by the stern look on Jack and Sam's faces. "So do we." she answered happily.

Sharing a confused look with Sam, Jack shook his head. "No--what I mean is, we want some answers about..."

"So do we." Wendy replied again.

Sam tilted her head to the side, and decided to take over. "Why are you here? Surely it's not *just* to see Baby Martouf..."

"Why haven't you two got together yet? And properly too... I don't mean any of that D&C confession stuff or WoO time loop kissing stuff."

Jack and Sam looked at each other. "Deeandcee?" he repeated.

"Woo?" Sam murmured with a confused shrug.

They shook their heads. "Why hasn't Ness updated the archive yet? We thought we were to email you to give her time to do the updating." Jack asked.

"Why is Sam going to marry Joe instead of you in the future?" Wendy retaliated.

Jack sent Sam a dirty look, to which she protested. "I don't know any Joes! Honest!"

Wendy smiled smugly.

"Why did you agree to give Maybourne a part in one of your stories? And willingly at that!"

"Why didn't you tell Sam that you kissed her more than once in the WoO time loops?"

"How does the list know so much about us and what we do--sometimes before we even do stuff?"

"Why didn't you tell Jack that you're restoring a motorbike and that's why you couldn't go fishing with him?"

"Why do people write 'twist' stories about us?"

"Why didn't you tell Sam that Anise kissed you?"

Sam and Jack groaned. This was going nowhere... and fast. Wendy simply smiled.

"Alright," she said eventually. "I'll make you two a deal."

Sam and Jack both looked at her dubiously. "Go on..." Sam prompted.

"I'll answer *all* of your questions--in full--*if*..."

"If..." Jack repeated.

"If you two kiss. Right here, right now."

Exchanging a look, Sam and Jack then looked at Wendy, eyebrows raised.

Hands raised slightly, Wendy grinned. "That's the deal, take it or leave it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

X is for X-it, as quickly as we can...

Shutting the door quietly behind her, Wendy smiled. Well, that ought to keep them busy for the time being, she thought satisfactorily. Looking up, she found Ness likewise gently closing a door to her left. Moving to her friend's side, she nodded towards the door.

"What's going on in there?"

Ness grinned. "Left 'em locking lips." Glancing at Wendy's door, she raised an eyebrow. "You?"

Wendy sent her a similar grin. "Same."

The two women high-fived each other.

Giggling, Wendy inclined her head down the hallway. "Shall we go whoosh again?"

Raising her arm, Ness indicated the way. "Whoosh away."

As they made their way down the corridor and into the lift, Wendy sighed.

"What's up?" asked Ness, turning around to face her friend.

"What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking it would have been nice to see Kawalsky again before we left... I really enjoyed talking to him last time."

Ness nodded. "Yeah... I know what you mean."

Wendy frowned. "You know, you never did tell me what the deal is between you two..."

Smiling secretly, Ness shook her head. "Let's just say it's a story for another time." she answered evasively.

As the lift doors opened, the two women quickly checked the way and then headed down towards their VIP room. Finding their bags untouched inside, they quickly shouldered the backpacks and headed back to the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y is for Young man, there's no need to feel down...

They turned a corner, only to find their way blocked by Teal'c. "Vanessa Nichols, Wendy Parkinson, I wish to speak with you."

The women looked at each other, then at the Jaffa. They did their best to smile but up close Teal'c was huge. He really wasn't the sort of guy they wanted to annoy. "What can we do for you?" asked Ness.

"I emailed you both concerning my song repertoire. You did not reply." He looked hurt.

"We've been busy, Teal'c," began Wendy.

"Yeah, but I'm sure we can think of something now. Still into pop songs?" asked Ness.

The Jaffa nodded solemnly.

"I know!" Wendy exclaimed. "Something lively, something fun... something with *actions*!"

Ness groaned. What was her friend going to do?

"Just follow me, Teal'c," said Wendy, then she began to sing.

"Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy"

Ness stuck her fingers in her ears. "Wen, don't give up the day job."

Undeterred, Wendy carried on,

"Young man, there's a place you can go
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to--have--a--good time."
"Come on, Teal'c, join in!" she encouraged.

"It's fun to stay at the Y..." Wendy threw her arms up in the air. Ness ducked out of the way. "M..." She pointed her hands at her head. "C..." As Wendy flung her arms to one side, Ness had to take evasive action again. "A." Wendy stuck her arms above her head.

Ness watched with fascination as the burly Jaffa started waving his arms around, mimicking Wendy, a look of extreme concentration on his face.

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything
For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys."
"That's brilliant, Teal'c. You're really getting the idea. Make sure you teach it to *everyone* on the base, won't you?"

The Jaffa treated them to one of his rare smiles. "I will Wendy Parkinson. Thank you."

"My pleasure, Teal'c. If we meet again I'll teach you how to do the twist."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Z is for Zat gun, we've seen one up close...

"You wouldn't really teach him how to do the twist, would you?" Ness asked as they walked into the car park.

"It'd be either that or the locomotion." Wendy grinned.

"You're incorrigible."

"Always."

"Ahem. Ladies. I'd like a word with you."

Ness and Wendy span round to be confronted by Maybourne pointing a zat gun at them.

"Why?" asked Wendy.

"You know why. Where's the story?"

"Ah... the story! Yes, well, I've been busy. I'm working on two things at once at the moment anyway. I can't do three, I'll get muddled up."

"You promised," interrupted Maybourne petulantly. Seeming to pull himself together he added, "I want to be a good guy. I want to get the girl."

Ness and Wendy glanced at each other, eyebrows raised. The man was clearly delusional. Ness licked her lips, then said, "Is that a zat gun, Colonel? I've never seen one up close."

Momentarily distracted, Maybourne replied, "Er, yes it is."

"Colonel, there's something I've often wondered--are those things heavy?" asked Wendy innocently, holding out her hand. Maybourne meekly passed her the weapon. Wendy muttered, "Not as heavy as I'd expected," and passed the gun to Ness, asking, "What do you think?"

Ness turned the gun over in her hand for a moment, then said, "I think I'm getting rid of this!" Taking a couple of steps run up, she threw the weapon as far as she could across the car park. There was a thud, then the sound of breaking glass. She winced.

Wendy frowned at Maybourne, who was staring at her sheepishly. "Colonel, if you had a brain, you'd be dangerous. And before you ask again--you will be in my next story, I promised you that, but there's *no way* you're getting the girl!" She turned on her heel and headed towards the car, Ness trailing behind her.

"Wen, let's get back to the airport before anyone else pulls a gun on us, shall we?"

"Good idea," her friend replied. They got into the car and drove out through the security gates, waving to Mac II as they passed. Soon they were out on the open road.

"Wen."

"Mmm."

"I think you've forgotten something."

"What?"

"In the USA they drive on the right."

"Oops."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Groaning, Daniel raised his head, rubbing his cheek where the keyboard had left a sleep imprint. Whoa... what a dream!

Yawning, he glared at the list discussions he'd been rereading whilst he waited for his new website to finish setting up. Thinking back now, it probably hadn't been the world's smartest idea to reread the "Mary Sue" conversations.

Finding his glasses half in and half out of his abandoned coffee, he grimaced, wiping them clean before putting them on. Peering at the screen, he was satisfied to see that the page had successfully loaded. His website--his very own!--was now complete and on the internet. www.geocities.com/djlurk/ --he'd even changed his nickname from "Dr D" to "DJ (the lurker)" so that it matched his yahoo email addy better; plus, there was no way Sam would be able to complain about him telling people a bit about his online personality this time--he'd made it both as vague and as real as he could, without revealing anything that would link him to the SGC.

Smiling, he exited out of Geocities and clicked on his mail icon. His smile faded when he realised there was no new mail--Wendy and Ness still hadn't replied to his latest emails for help over the danandjan list!

Wendy, Ness, the danandjan list... that reminded him of his dream. Tilting his head to the side, he thought about it for a moment. It certainly was the weirdest dream he'd ever had--list members coming to the Base--but the more he thought about it, the more it appealed to him. It would certainly make a good story!

Feeling inspired, he rubbed his hands together, booting up the word processor. Besides, if he wrote another story, maybe Ness and Wendy would finally email him!

And so, with a smile on his face, he began to type:

"The ABC's--SGC Style. A is for..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The End.



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