Catch Me As I Fall
by Kayryn
EMAIL: kayrynshadow@yahoo.com
STATUS: Complete
SPOILERS: Entity; An episode addition.
SEASON/SEQUEL: 4th season. Just Entity.
RATED: G
CATEGORY: J/D, hurt/angst, comfort
SUMMARY: Episode addition to Entity. Janet has problems justifying her own actions to herself.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fanfiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: *waves* Hi! I'm new to this SG1 business. I've seen four seasons in less than two months. My brain experienced a... well, a sort of Teryl Rothery sensory overload, so I needed an outlet. This is the result. Not my first fan fiction story by all means, but it is my first in this fandom. Hope you like it, though. ;)
Thank you, Arcana, for beta-reading. :)
Oh and the title comes from Evanescence's "Whisper" as it helped to inspire this little thing. If you haven't heard the song, make sure you do. :)
In the infirmary Janet stood beside the bed, checking and re-checking the readings on the monitors while Jack and Teal'c stood on the other side of the bed and Daniel occupied the end of it. After having once again reassured herself that Sam was going to be survive her latest ordeal, Janet remained close to her friend and listened to Jack O'Neill's voice as he kept talking about... well, something. What that something was, Janet wasn't sure, but the good news was that he was doing it. After experiencing complete solitude when trapped in the base's computers, Sam was, understandably, not thrilled about the idea of being alone. She listened, nearly asleep, as Jack related one story after another, and Teal'c stood nearby, as if guarding his recuperating teammate. Daniel seemed to be just standing silently, observing what was going on around him, but the worry over Sam's wellbeing was apparent in his eyes.
Placing the chart to its place, Janet unobtrusively left her friend's side. From the doorway she looked back at the scene and saw Sam's eyelids slowly drifting shut. As she walked away she listened to Jack O'Neill's soft voice until it grew too faint to be heard.
**SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1**
Sam was finally asleep. Daniel lifted his eyes from his friend who lay on the bed and saw the Colonel with his head in his hands. Daniel felt sorry for the man. If it was hard for him to watch Sam suffer like this, how much harder was it on O'Neill? Letting his eyes wander around the room, Daniel frowned. Something felt off. Then, seeing the chart near the bed he realized Janet had left. Now when did she do that?
Daniel returned his gaze on Jack who was again talking to Sam, though the Colonel's voice was reduced to an almost whisper now that she'd fallen asleep. Glancing quickly at Teal'c, Daniel concluded the Jaffa probably hadn't moved a muscle since they'd arrived some 45 minutes earlier. Feeling restless, Daniel felt something driving him to go after Fraiser. He was about to ask if the either one of his teammates had noticed where Janet had went to, but then changed his mind. Instead, he left the room fairly certain he knew where to find her.
As he approached her office, he saw the door was slightly ajar and a stream of light came from the small crack. Expecting to see the Doctor sitting behind her desk, working on one thing or another, Daniel was surprised when he, pushing the door open with his hand, found the diminutive CMO standing motionless, facing away from the door, her back rigid with tension.
Though he moved quietly, Daniel saw the way the muscles in her back twitched a little, letting him now she was aware of his presence. What surprised him even more, though, was that contradictory to the warm greeting he had grown used to receiving, she wasn't acknowledging him in any other way. It was enough to make him worried.
"Janet?"
When she answered her voice sounded strangled, hoarse. "Daniel, it's alright. I just need a moment."
Her words stopped him in his tracks for a moment. Tilting his head to one side, Daniel closed his eyes, gathering his thoughts. Just how had she known the reason he had sought her out?
Shaking his head, he pushed the thought away, instead focusing on what was important at the present moment. He decided to not really pay attention to her words about being "alright" since the evidence before his eyes was telling him she was everything but. Even standing across the room from her he could see how she was shaking, and it wasn't just her hands, either. Janet was shaking from head to toe, like a leaf.
Not even bothering to try to persuade her to admit something was wrong, Daniel merely closed the distance between them in a few steps and touched her shoulder gently with his hand. She flinched at the touch, but didn't back away from his touch.
"You're shaking," Daniel told her as he slowly but firmly drew her to him until she was enclosed in his strong embrace. Although she remained rigid and refused to lean on him, she didn't refuse his touch.
Soothing her with whispered words, Daniel let his hands make slow circular motions on her back. As the minutes passed, he felt her slowly she yielding to him, and her hands came around his body as she burrowed her head to his chest.
He continued to hold her as her body was wracked with sobs.
**SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1**
Janet had watched as her best friend lay on the bed; once again back in the land of the living. So close this time. So close.
Too close.
And this time the end result wouldn't have been the fault of some Goa'uld. It would have been her fault. Hers. Janet's.
Feeling her eyes filling with tears she had left the room, escaping to the privacy of her office. Reaching her office she'd managed to walk to her desk before freezing there, her body seemingly incapable of even moving to the chair behind the desk.
Emotions were coursing through her, overwhelming her with their strength and disparity; everything from relief to blame, from joy to rage.
She didn't know how long she'd stood there when she heard the door open. Fairly certain it was one of her nurses she was surprised to hear Daniel's voice.
"Janet?"
At once she knew the reason he was there.
"Daniel, it's alright. I just need a moment," she heard herself answer him, but she didn't know how she managed to form the thought, let alone the words. When a moment later Janet heard him coming closer, she was almost mad at him. He was completely ignoring how great an effort it had been to her to formulate the words. A distant part of her brain told her that her thinking this way was an obvious signal that not all was okay.
Okay? How do you expect things to be okay after what you almost did?
Janet flinched when she felt his hand touch her shoulder lightly, but she forced herself to stay still and not escape his touch. It would just probably make him more determined to find out what was wrong.
"You're shaking."
As his words registered, she realized Daniel was right. She was shaking. Not just her hands either, but all over. Clinically she recognized it was most likely due to her emotional state, her rage and fear battling inside her. Strong emotions could cause physical symptoms.
When Janet felt his hands pulling her close to him, she remained stiff, refusing to allow herself to embrace the warmth and reassurance he was so kindly offering.
She didn't deserve to be comforted. Not after what she had almost done. She didn't deserve his kindheartedness. And after Daniel learned what she had nearly went through with, he probably wouldn't offer it anymore, either. That achingly painful thought along with his hands on her back, slowly soothing her as he gently reassured her of how he was there for her, caused her walls to crumble.
Little by little she surrendered to the solace he was offering her. Wrapping her hands around his waist Janet pressed her face against his chest. Unable to keep the pain inside her any longer, she held on to Daniel and let the tears come.
**SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1****SG1**
Daniel continued to hold on to Janet as she cried against him. He had no idea how long they'd stood there, but then again he didn't really care either. As her sobs turned into hiccups she slowly detached herself from him and turning, fumbled for something from her desk drawers. Finally coming up with the tissues she'd been looking for, Janet blew her nose and dried her tears, all the while unable to look at the man in front of her in the eyes.
"Janet, what's wrong," Daniel prodded gently.
"It's nothing."
"If you don't tell me what's going on I can't help you," he said. "And I want to."
Knowing the truth behind his words, but unable to meet his gaze, she kept her eyes on the wall behind him.
Gently placing a finger under her chin, Daniel encouraged her to look at him. When she did, he smiled at her, though it wasn't the happiest smile that had graced his lips. Satisfied that she at least was not fighting him anymore, Daniel half sat, half leaned against the desk while keeping a hold of Janet's hand, thus making sure she stayed in close proximity.
The silence stretched on as Daniel waited for Janet to begin her explanation. He didn't want to push her anymore than he already had, knowing she didn't find it always easy to open up to people about painful issues.
Some moments later she inhaled deeply and started to tell him, "Did you know that just before you entered the isolation room with Teal'c, I told Jack that Sam had a living will? It says that she doesn't want to be hooked on machines... I... I told the Colonel it was time... time to let her go... When all that time..."
She had to stop for a moment to calm herself and was grateful when Daniel placed a supporting hand on her upper arm, silently telling her it was alright.
"I almost unhooked Sam from the machines, Daniel. I almost killed her," Janet finally cried out.
Cringing at her self-incriminating words, Daniel tried to offer her reassurance, "What matters is that you didn't unhook Sam from the machines. And that Sam's gonna be okay."
But even before he finished his sentence Janet shook her head. "I was ready to give up. God! I had given up. If it hadn't been for Jack insisting..." she couldn't bring herself to finish the thought.
Reaching out to her again, Daniel pulled her close to him. She tried to struggle a little at first, but it only caused his grip on her to tighten. "I need you to think of this rationally for a moment." He paused for a second to make sure he had her attention. "There was no way to know. No one thought of the possibility of Sam's mind being trapped in the computers."
Letting the words sink in, he pulled away so he could look her in the eye. "Isn't it usually Sam who comes up with the wildest ideas?" When he didn't get an answer from her he repeated, "Look, no one thought of this. Not Jack, not me, not Teal'c..."
Seeing his words were helping, at least some, he continued. "Besides, we know you were thinking of Sam's wishes... Jack knows it, I know it. Sam knows it, too, Janet." Pausing again, he brushed away a single tear that was rolling down her cheek. "You were thinking of what Sam wanted, even though it hurt you, of this I'm sure. It wasn't easy for you to say those words to Jack, I know you well enough to know that."
His words took Janet back to the moment in the isolation room. She'd stood there, unable to look at Jack, and barely able to see Sam though her gaze was directed on her. Even as she forced the words out of her mouth she'd kept praying for a miracle that would have caused Sam to open her eyes... and stopped her from saying what she had to.
"It's not that you were ready to do that, that matters, Janet. It's that you were ready to do that as a doctor, despite being her closest friend. That's what makes you a wonderful doctor. And how you're feeling now shows what a remarkable friend you are."
Seeing her faint smile, Daniel knew he was finally making progress in getting through to her. He kissed her forehead before adding, "Don't dwell on 'what might have beens'. Sam's going to be okay now, you said so yourself."
He searched her eyes for something that would tell him she was accepting his words. But though he found what he was looking for, he still saw the fear reflected in her eyes.
"Janet?"
Pressing herself against Daniel again, Janet drew strength from him. With a trembling voice she admitted her true fears, "I thought we lost her Daniel. I thought we really lost her this time."
Knowing no words could make any difference, he just held her tighter, offering whatever comfort he was able to, and found his own peace in her accepting it.
The end
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